Complicated past issues

[Leleina]

Hi
I think I have a complicated past. I'd like to think I have since moved forwards. Married w 3young children. However, I do poorly on my own and my anxieties, insecurities and feelings of abandonment play up. I sought help before and was diagnosed with dysthymia. Was on medication for awhile then stopped. I have been to counselling before too. I thought to share my story because I don't really talk about the past anymore. Why should I? But generally because I am stay home mum recently out of job, I find I disconnect easily, slip too easily into routine, prioritise everyone else's needs before mine and I think it is the disconnection and low feeling that now makes me see... since the death of my mil, that maybe I'm not quite ok.
So apparently I was given to my grandmother to look after the first 9m of my life. Now with kids, I cant imagine doing that to my children after what we now know of baby/mum attachment, skin to skin etc. Then as a child, my dad molested me and tried to rape me and warned me to keep quiet. Eventually I told my mum after so much fear. It was the telling that made him remorseful. My mum sort of blamed me, she didnt at first believe me. I was sent away to study overseas as a result. My dad considerd hus vasectomy as 'punishment'. Police never contacted. Mum warned me to brush it under the carpet no one needs to know because my dad had changed and wont do it again. This is all pretty dysfunctional in my view.
I have a series of poor dependent relationships before I met my husband. I smoked, hung out with poor company, I cheated on my exes. Then I met my husband, I gave up smoking and now have kids, walking the straight and narrow so to speak. I do yearn for my carefree days and feel tired and tied down most of the time. Now my parents are supportive of me, mostly my dad, he helped me last couple of weeks but mum and I don't have a good relationship still. Mum just finished chemo for lymphoma and my mil recently died a sudden death. I have fallen into an anxious cycle and got back on here... and I just want to let things out. My husband returns tomorrow and we still need to process grief.
Thanks for reading
Leleina

[Wazowski]

Hi Leleina,

You most certainly do have a complicated and traumatic past, filled with a lot of hurt. It is completely understandable that you would have feelings of anxiety, insecurity and abandonment after everything you have been through. And it is completely fine to admit that you’re not okay. It sounds like you were never able to get closure for what happened, because everyone wanted to sweep it under the rug. Now you are experiencing new grief as you mourn the death of your mil, and deal with your mum suffering from cancer. It is a lot for one person to handle. I am very pleased to hear that your relationship with your dad has improved and he has been helping you recently. It also sounds like you have a supportive husband and three beautiful children who you love a lot. I was wondering if you have talked to your husband about what is going on for you? You also mentioned that you took medication and had counselling, and I was wondering if you found that helpful? If so, they may be options to use again to help you get through this dark period.

You mentioned feeling tied down and yearning for your carefree days. I know once you have a family, it can be difficult to do all the things that you did as a single woman. Being a stay at home mum is a full time job, and it’s very easy to let everything else go. However, it important to not lose sense of yourself, and find time to do the things that are important to you. What is it that you enjoy doing? Is there any possibility of getting your husband or someone else to take care of the kids while you take time for yourself? It can just be a few hours a week, but you may find that this change from routine will bring back your spark.

Take care,
Wazowski

[Leleina]

Hi Wazowski

Thank you. Yes I am going to try a babysitter in a couple of weeks. It has its challenges... yes I think this difficult period has made me realise how I have lost myself. Yes I have chatted a little with my husband here and there but he is not home yet and he also has heaps to process and I don't want to make it all about me. Yes I think I found counselling helpful to a point. It depends on the relationship with the counsellor too. Meds.. not quite. Thank you for listening. I still feel sad and tired and am trying to make some necessary changes to help me move in the direction to finding myself.