Do I have BPD (Trigger warning - references to self harm, abuse)

[KJJ]

I was wondering if I have BPD. I have been seeing a psychiatrist since I was 20 when bulimia, depression, and anxiety became severe. I have a diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety disorder. I’ve never told anyone including my doctor how I really feel inside as I feel ashamed there is something wrong with me and I don’t feel I can trust enough to tell anyone. I keep my feelings hidden from those closest to me as I am confused by them and unsure if they are valid. My mother had me when she was very young and was quite unstable with substance abuse and volatile moods for as long as I can remember. I was alienated from my father when I was about a year old until later in life. Among other traumatic experiences when I was 12 my mother's boyfriend at the time was volatile and did drugs and also sexually abused me. I told my mum but he lied and said I was mistaken and she believed him. When they split he broke into our house and terrorised us one night. Within the year or less after this I remember I started bedwetting and hurting myself. I remember being so angry or upset and hurting myself was the only thing that calmed me down. This reduced after time but as I got older I started binge drinking and having problems with anxiety, depression, and bulimia. At that time in my head whenever I did something that I was ashamed of or binge ate would repeat “I hate myself, I want to die”.
With time, CBT, and medication I have stabilised, and rarely drink or have problems with eating but still have occasional relapses of depression and anxiety. I often feel lonely and empty. I also feel numb a lot of the time but other times I also feel emotions are overwhelming, especially anger. One thing that confuses me is when my husband goes to work I feel so angry at him, I feel he doesn’t care about me and that I can’t trust him (I don’t tell him this) but when I am with him I wonder why I felt that way and feel guilty and confused for being so angry. My doctor hasn't mentioned BPD. I am distancing from my mother under the advice of my doctor, due to enmeshment and emotional abuse. I feel similarly with my mother - at times rage and resentment towards her and then guilt and confusion at my feelings. With other relationships such as my father if I feel I am getting too involved or close I get scared and untrusting and worry that they will hurt me and then I push away. I guess I am trying to make sense of the way I feel and see if I can deal with it. Thank you.

[james1]

Hello KJJ,

I'm very sad to hear about your upbringing and how it is still causing you so much difficulty today. It sounds like you have had, and still have, a really really hard life which is confusing and exhausting.

You've described a lot of your feelings really well and while it certainly does match a lot of what the internet has about BPD, I wanted to ask whether you've thought about how a positive or negative diagnosis would make you feel?

The reason why I put that question out is because I've been through the same thoughts and done the symptom matching and checklist, where I go through my family upbringing and go, "oh...this sounds exactly like BPD." I really wanted to know but it also put my head in a bit of a spin and I think I forgot about who I really was: me.

So, yeah. BPD is real. It's a collection of symptoms which present themselves together, differently for different people, and these symptoms are individually and collectively really horrible to deal with. And a psychiatrist will certainly be able to tell that yes or no, you match enough symptoms with enough severity...but your question at the end sounds like you don't just want understanding of what is happening, but also what to do about it.

Fortunately in Australia (unlike the USA), psychological treatment is often done based on the person, and not the diagnosis. There is no treatment for BPD - Schema Therapy and DBT are there to treat the symptoms, particularly the emotional regulation. In fact, they are often used for non-BPD "disorders" as well.

You mentioned having done CBT - also another one used for BPD symptoms among others - and it seems to have helped with some of the symptoms but not everything. I think your feelings, the true ones that you have not shown others, are absolutely valid and need to be addressed.

Even after a couple of years of therapy, dealing specifically with my own BPD related things, I still feel very empty and numb for most of the time. I am almost constantly afraid of my partner leaving me and it's so bad that I, out of necessity, keep it mostly to myself rather than let my partner know just how bad it is. Instead, I rely on my psychologist to help me through unless it's very bad.

How do you feel about talking to your current doctor about it? It sounds like they have been helpful so far, and would probably also like to be able to help here too.

James

[KJJ]

Hi James,

Thank you for taking the time to listen and read my story, and for sharing your experience. I'm sorry that you are still struggling too. I've always felt different or disconnected from most of those around me but I feel less isolated reaching out on this forum, know that there are other people to talk to about this.

I also keep my fears and anger/mistrust from my husband as I don't want to destroy our relationship - he is the most stable person I've ever had in my life, but I find it hard sometimes to know which of my feelings to trust. Those when he is here or those when he is gone.

I guess for me I think a diagnosis would provide an explanation for why I still don't feel ok despite years of medication, cbt, and therapy, and I guess it would give me hope that a different approach may just yield some more positive results for me, and that I don't have to feel this bad for the rest of my life.

I have been conflicted over this for over a year now, but I do think that I need to bring these feelings up with my psychiatrist or a psychologist to move forward, I guess I'm also afraid of what that will mean if I do. At times I have found it hard to discuss some things with my current doctor, as I feel a bit ashamed or 'wrong' for some of my feelings. I have been called 'needy' before by her when bringing up some topics. Maybe tough love was what I needed at the time - I don't know. I wonder if it is possible to have access to a psychologist as well as a psychiatrist?

Kelly

[james1]

Hey Kelly,

I am glad you feel less disconnected being able to speak on these forums. It's why I came on too when I was really struggling, and why I still come on now. It's just nice to be able to speak freely without being judged.

Oh, I hope I am not about to put words in your mouth and please let me know if I am misunderstanding you at all.

You said something about not knowing which feelings to trust - those when he is there, or those when he is gone. I have a similar thing; when my partner is around vs not around, I can have quite conflicted feelings and I have not really learnt how to reconcile the two. I can feel unsafe in both, but for completely opposite reasons - you're getting too close to me, now you're too far, just as a basic example.

Part of me says that's really weird, but part of me is now trying to understand both together. Perhaps they are not as mutually exclusive as I think. Perhaps I feel both because, actually, I just don't know where I want to place someone in my life (in terms of how close we should be). So my partner is always either too close or too far, depending on how I'm feeling that day.

I don't know what to do about it, and it sounds like you also don't know what to do with your feelings either. For me, i am able to talk to my psychologist very easily, and she has never called me needy. I am not sure why she called you needy before, but it sounds like it hurt you a bit.

I think it'd be good to clarify that otherwise it'll be hard to reestablish that trust, and you won't be able to speak openly which is pretty much a requirement for effective long term therapy. If you don't feel safe broaching the topic with her, is there someone else you can see instead?

Yep, I had both a psychologist and psychiatrist at one time, but I dropped the psychiatrist because I didn't like the drugs and I just wanted to talk to someone. You may feel differently about that, but that was just my experience 🙂

James

[KJJ]

Hi James,

Thanks so much for sharing your experience with your feelings too. I think I understand what you mean, with my husband I think I am comfortable and feel safe as he doesn’t ask too much of me, but he also often tends to be distant and closed off with his feelings which at the same time can drive me crazy as it feels too far. Also anytime I feel someone getting too close or indicating they need me I tend to pull away. It makes my head spin sometimes!

Trying to understand both of the conflicted feelings like you say sounds like a different perspective that may be helpful to think about. And it sounds like having someone to talk openly to is helpful for you. I can understand trust is a must for effective therapy, maybe a psychologist with a different approach would be easier for me to talk to.

I don’t really like the medication either, but at the moment am better off with it. Perhaps if I could talk to someone about these feelings it would help and I’d be less reliant on it.

Kelly

[Guest_7403]

Which of the 9 traits would you say afflict you the most?

What are your current triggers?

[james1]

Hello Kelly

Yeah, I can definitely understand how you feel around your husband. Sometimes I have no idea what my partner thinks and it drives me nuts too. It's such a frustrating push/pull experience, and I'm still not very good at managing it, even if I can largely talk to myself and get mostly out of the negative cycle.

Yeah, I think a different approach is needed for each person. Medication may suit you, perhaps with a bit of personal talk therapy, and I'm glad to hear that you're willing to try. I guess it does go to show that your life is quite difficult at the moment and you're hoping to get whatever help you can.

I've been to a few different psychologists and I ended up with my current one who is a better fit for me. I'm not very good at making it to my appointments/making it on time, but she understands and doesn't have a go at me, but does try to encourage me to make it. So I guess psychologists do have different approaches and hopefully it is not too hard to find one who you feel you can trust.

James

[KJJ]

Hi Theborderline,

I guess the traits I struggle with most at the moment is the abondonment/rejection fears, and the feelings of emptiness. I used to struggle with a lot more when I was younger but some seem to have improved with time, therapy and medication. One thing Ive found even as a child is that I’ve felt unlovable, like no one could really love me that much and that I don’t really matter to people like they do to me. I don’t know if this is a borderline trait or not but one I’ve always struggled with. I guess it could relate to the abandonment fear, as in people would find it easy to leave me.

[Guest_7403]

Most borderlines lack a "sense of self " in that because you don't know your own identity you question why others would like you or want to be with you.

This is just your subconscious playing games, you just don't realise it.

And of course your natural response is to throw your walls up and not allow people in to your circle so that they can't leave you (because in your mind that's what's going to happen)

I know it's hard to control FOA but it can be done. The simplest method is when your feeling that abandonemt/they're going to leave me thought....that you take a breathe and ask yourself is this a rational or irrational thought

Learn your triggers and try and come up with a plan to ackowledge what's triggering you but not allowing that too manifest into action.

take care of yourself

[KJJ]

Hi James,

It sounds like these things take a bit to work through for you too. I think I have to start somewhere, and doing nothing doesn't seem to help me much at the moment. A trusted psychologist seems like the way to go, thanks for sharing your experiences with this, it has been helpful for me.

Kelly