Complex Trauma - newly triggered, anxiety, sense of urgency, and fears of abandonment after 30 years....?

[Idkme]

I have just had (as close as I can explain it) a feeling of being "triggered" just 2 weeks ago. I had a therapist that "saw through me" and brought up feelings and issues that I had long buried and suppressed, she encouraged me to explore through journal writing. Unfortunately things did not progress so well and I have been feeling like 'a cat on a hot tin roof'. I have made contact with Blue Knot (not sure if I can mention them here or not) but they helped me realise that I had been "hyper aroused" or similar and I needed to put all the things back into the box and just bring them out gradually and that it was much more important to feel safe.... I TOTALLY AGREE.

Problem is that, on the outside, I appear to be doing okay, but on the inside I am feeling terribly anxious and needy. I have met with a great CALM clinical psychologist but when my session ends I feel okay but by the next hour/day I feel alone and unsure of what to "do" to deal with the feelings of unsettling in my stomach. I am trying not to "stalk" my psychologist with emails and she tells me "we'll deal with them next session". I realise now I had not set up safety strategies to protect myself (which is pretty understandable considering I had never dealt with these things before). I have this sense of urgency to kind of talk about it or help me soothe... It's like I need to talk but I can't talk to any of my friends or family because they don't understand. I have had all the feelings or abandonement, disgust, shame, hurt, anger, internalised pain, regret, insecurities, flashbacks, panic attacks, self hate, etc. and all so fast and furious... I'm really not surprised that people resort to drugs, risky behaviour and 'other' actions to stop the "feelings".

I'm okay but I would love some tips on how to deal with this "sense of urgency" and "fear of abandonement" while inbetween weekly psychologist visits. I've tried mindfulness, deep breathing, mood apps, being aware of the senses, journal writing, earthing meditation (I've even tried to inflict pain, it's not recommended). Problem is the feelings just keep interfering and I struggle not to obsess over "thinking"... The only real kind of thing that works is to read and research 'everything' and eventually I'm exhausted and fall asleep... Some of those psych talks are quite dry after 1 hour (smiley face).

Love to hear from those who may survived something similar because I don't feel like a survivor... looking for hope.....

[Idkme]

Update....

still here.... still worrying.... still looking for answers.... still lost.....

The worst feeling at the moment is wanting to talk to people and having no one to talk to because I feel like I’d be an emotional strain on them....

its just that desire to talk and I guess, get validation from someone that it will be okay, although no one can ever really know that.... it’s the same ‘urgent’ feeling I had in the first week I was fully triggered.... and now I just get mini triggers, like backtickling shudders and shock face Smacks.

I find myself googling questions... why do I get anxious?, why am do I want to talk to people?, how do I stop panic attacks?, how do I stop worrying about things? There’s lots of answers out there but they just don’t seem to answer the underlying need.....

so, that’s my update... thanks for reading.

[Chick_in_a_guernsey]

Hi ldkme,

It's the whys and hows of what you're feeling that can be so frustrating and troubling hey. You've somewhat described where I'm at these last couple of months. Not knowing where to from here, or how long and to what extent the feelings and symptoms will continue. I find myself asking, is this the new 'normal' for me? If it is, it saddens me.

I find myself staring at my messenger list of contacts, wanting to reach out and talk to someone about how I'm feeling but then also not wanting to let on how I feel. I fear they will look down at me, I know they are good people but I still fear their judgement.

We are most certainly all on our own winding, ever changing journeys and I hope you are able to make meaningful connections and find clarity through these forums.

All the best!

[Idkme]

Thanks 'Chick in a guernsey',

I still find I'm searching but I realise I might not find what I'm looking for (or maybe for only short periods of time). I think I need to find ways of self soothing so that I can find that comfort within myself.

It's good to know that others feel the same as me... I've done lots and lots of searching online, I wonder how they managed before we had 'access' to all the answers.... lol...

I still write in my journal which is probably the best source of satisfaction at the moment... I've often wanted to call some of the 'help' lines but I feel like I'd be wasting their time and resources...

As to feeling better or getting used to this being my new me... I'm not going to accept that... I don't care how much I search I will search until I find a better me, because if I feel like this is all I'm going to be than that is just not an option for me.

It's comforting to know that the struggle is 'real'. Keep fighting....

regards,

[PamelaR]

Hi Idkme

I've been following your post even though I don't always write. You are building up a lot of support and that's wonderful to see. I also take a break so you may not see me around for days, but I do read, just don't post.

Understand what you mean about looking, wanting something to soothe yourself, searching - always searching. It's something that I went through over the years as I was recovering. To be honest, haven't truly talked about it myself, but it's possibly part of the process of healing. It's finding out who you are? In hindsight I think that's what I was doing. What I think i've learnt is - there are many different answers. The answers are different for different people, different circumstances. Not one size fits all. What works for one, may not work for another.

You know, I wrote in my journal for years and years. It is something I hope no one ever reads. But for me it was the only thing that helped at times. I was able to get down the things that really hurt me deep inside. The other thing I also did was - drawing. Got one of those huge drawing books and used coloured pencils. Came across these drawing the other day when I was spring cleaning. Oh, I was feeling bad back then. It makes me realise how far I've come, how much I've recovered.

I think you are doing beautifully. It is so good to have you around. You are an inspiration. I see you show others that, no matter how hard things are for you or how down you are, you are there for them. Good on you Idkme.

Thank you for being here. Keep reaching out if and when you want.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Idkme]

Such lovely words of encouragement PamelaR, thank you.

I did read somewhere that those who have been impacted by their trauma have often lost their imagination in times of distress and that those susceptible to PTSD were often creative thinkers, it is fitting that you love drawing.

I, personally, am a bit of a dreamer and love working with horses.... I’m hoping that as I find myself that I too can rediscover my passion for those magnificent animals.... it’s incredible to think that I’ve had horses most my life and now I’m so nervous around them and they’ve never given me cause to feel that way.

That is the goal I’ve set myself, to keep searching until I find peace within myself. I’m seeing tinysnippets scattered around the place.... I’m hoping one day they’ll all come together.

This site has become a bit of a ‘hope’ site for me.... I’m hoping that I’m giving I can receive and find.... it’s happening so far (a little slowly at times but that’s okay cause I’m learning patience and persistence). I only wish it would send notifications when people respond so I don’t have to keep checking all the time to feel did appointment when no one has replied.

But it’s comforting to know that there are some regulars that keep in touch and keep waving the BB flag (thank you).

[Guest8901]

Hi Idkme,

Sorry it's taken a while to return, I've not felt up to an intelligent response.

I've been working my way through your thread and consistently saying to myself "yeah, same here, I so get that". I love what you're saying here and on other threads I've seen you on. I'd like to comment on some of the things you've spoken of on page 1 now, but will get to page 2 another time.

I was interested to read of your psych apt where you spoke about hyper-arousal & hypo-arousal and how triggers cause a ‘bouncy ball’ effect. Getting into that ‘optimal arousal zone’ is tricky, but I like how you set out what you were doing to achieve that state.

When I feel hyper, I use relaxing breathing and grounding techniques my psych taught me. I also write prodigiously, not a journal as such, just random ravings. My psych asks to read it sometimes. I call a helpline too, try reading or browse these forums.

I don't have as many strategies for when feeling hypo. I've recently started going to a pilates class, I love nature, I adore my little dog who just oozes love and cuddles. My psych also suggested I self sooth by rubbing my arms as you described, as in a self hug.

My psychologist also told me that trauma therapy can't start until we have the tools in place to enable us to deal with the rigors of intensive therapy. Very true when you say that we need some control over our hyper/hypo states. A good psych can then delve into our psyche to start the healing process without the flight/fight/freeze response taking over to such an extreme that it stalls treatment.

You compared trauma to cancer. My husband has Stage IV (incurable) cancer and, after undergoing trial drugs, he's now in remission. But they can never say he is cured .. the cancer is just lying in wait to strike again. I agree with you that trauma, though not likely to be cured, can be treated to make the effects of it bearable. I won't give up hope of that happening.

You mentioned early on you were reluctant to post on other threads as you didn't feel experienced dealing with trauma, but that you understood and empathised with many. You write beautifully and you clearly have a good knowledge of trauma gained from your desire to learn. I see no problem in you treating this thread as a "blog". Many can learn from your experiences and insight here.Even if they don't reply, I feel sure many are learning from your words. It's great to see that you're now getting around to other threads. Thank you.

Amanda 💕

[Idkme]

Wow Mandy,

what an eloquent piece of writing.... I literally have tears of heartfelt appreciation welling in my eyes.... you’re very kind words make this journey so much more empowering and it’s revitalising to hear how you have coped with life’s struggles.

i do realise that sometimes my writing is very raw and I apologise for anyone I may trigger or distress, however I feel that if there’s anywhere that we can post those raw emotions it should be here where others can see we are not alone.

You sounds like you are getting a good grip on understanding what you are dealing with and the fact that you can share things that are obviously still raw yourself is amazing. You are a true example of a survivor who is working hard to maintain equilibrium (balance).

I too struggle with the hypo.... I use ‘turn the volume up’, listen to up beat music and my psych has suggested yoga (although that’s definitely not happening yet but it is in my long term goal).

your puppy sounds like amazing therapy. I just love how they tend to know how we feel and will push their faces into you and annoy you at the most unwanted times but end up making us giggle at their stupidity, lol. It’s really important to open your heart and be prepared to take calculated risks sometimes...

i am really glad your husband is in remission, it’s a gift to be appreciated... I feel so sorry for anyone who has to deal with such a horrible disease.

And thank you for your encouraging comment on writing on others pages... I find I can only do so when I’m feeling okay myself but it’s also clarifying a lot of the things I have that goes through my mind...

The people on this site are amazing and true including you Mandy and all the others who have shared comments and posts.

Keep strong, be brave and keep growing.

Thank you

[Idkme]

Moments.....

have you had moments when you just sit and obsorb and take in all the things around you as time lapses? Like watching the sun set and seeing the intricacies of life continue on in minute detail.

How does it make you feel?..... I get mixed emotions... I feel privileged to be a part of it and also feel incredibly alone....

[PamelaR]

Hello Idkme

Yes I do have those moments. Not so much now that I've recovered, but during the most trying times of working through the trauma, I did just as you say.

I remember one time in particular, after my last pregnancy (and my baby dying). I sat in the backyard and I felt the world around me (in minute detail), but at the same time I didn't feel in the world. I also had that feeling for weeks following my breakdown twenty years later. My psych said she thought I was disassociating - in part to help deal with the trauma I was experiencing. It's kind of like letting go of everything and just watch what is. Most peculiar feeling and I found a very frightening one. Yes, I agree with you that feeling of aloneness was exceptionally strong.

I love your story about your horses. I hope you come to become less fearful of them.

Fear of fear was a very large part of my recovery. It took a long time to realise that fear couldn't hurt me. For me it was retraining the brain and body. My psych explained it was the resetting of the neuotransmitter synapses. It's training the body and mind to find new pathways to situations that previously caused fear. It worked. Took time, effort and loads of self understanding.

Also, thank you so much for responding to posters. You're doing wonderfully. It's great having you around.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Idkme]

NOT A good day I’m afraid..............

do you get those feelings of lightness, happiness, a glimpse at settling to then come hurtling back to earth with a ground shaking thud????

Its like for every good thing that happens in my life I pay for it with my soul.....

i got home from a lovely trip away and now the guilt has settled in.... the pressures of life and the avoidance is wacking me in the face so much so that I have a physical pain across the area between my eyes and into the front of my forehead.... I’ve tried sleeping, I’ve tried pain relief, I just haven’t tried alcohol yet.....

the more I travel this journey the more aware I become.... but the more I wonder if it’s making me worse.... it feels like I’m obsessed with it sometimes.... I try to have a break from it but the pressure gets worse and worse until it’s so close to eruption that I feel I’ll explode into nothingness.

I’ll get through.... I think.... but I’m tired..... I’m caged..... I’m roped down.... my wings are broken....

I’ll survive.... what other option do I have......

sorry......

i know it’s not what you want to read........

but I’ll come back........