Complex Trauma - newly triggered, anxiety, sense of urgency, and fears of abandonment after 30 years....?

[Idkme]

I have just had (as close as I can explain it) a feeling of being "triggered" just 2 weeks ago. I had a therapist that "saw through me" and brought up feelings and issues that I had long buried and suppressed, she encouraged me to explore through journal writing. Unfortunately things did not progress so well and I have been feeling like 'a cat on a hot tin roof'. I have made contact with Blue Knot (not sure if I can mention them here or not) but they helped me realise that I had been "hyper aroused" or similar and I needed to put all the things back into the box and just bring them out gradually and that it was much more important to feel safe.... I TOTALLY AGREE.

Problem is that, on the outside, I appear to be doing okay, but on the inside I am feeling terribly anxious and needy. I have met with a great CALM clinical psychologist but when my session ends I feel okay but by the next hour/day I feel alone and unsure of what to "do" to deal with the feelings of unsettling in my stomach. I am trying not to "stalk" my psychologist with emails and she tells me "we'll deal with them next session". I realise now I had not set up safety strategies to protect myself (which is pretty understandable considering I had never dealt with these things before). I have this sense of urgency to kind of talk about it or help me soothe... It's like I need to talk but I can't talk to any of my friends or family because they don't understand. I have had all the feelings or abandonement, disgust, shame, hurt, anger, internalised pain, regret, insecurities, flashbacks, panic attacks, self hate, etc. and all so fast and furious... I'm really not surprised that people resort to drugs, risky behaviour and 'other' actions to stop the "feelings".

I'm okay but I would love some tips on how to deal with this "sense of urgency" and "fear of abandonement" while inbetween weekly psychologist visits. I've tried mindfulness, deep breathing, mood apps, being aware of the senses, journal writing, earthing meditation (I've even tried to inflict pain, it's not recommended). Problem is the feelings just keep interfering and I struggle not to obsess over "thinking"... The only real kind of thing that works is to read and research 'everything' and eventually I'm exhausted and fall asleep... Some of those psych talks are quite dry after 1 hour (smiley face).

Love to hear from those who may survived something similar because I don't feel like a survivor... looking for hope.....

[Guest_1211]

Hey, just wanted to say I’m still here nodding along, just not much to say right now.

i suspect we might be in the same occupation though idk 😉 it’s a super busy time and there’s not much room for me at the moment.... but I must say I empathize with the outside calm, inside turmoil x

[Ayisha]

Hi Idkme

I know you have said that you tried journal writing but had no joy with it. Perhaps you could humor me? I suggest you write a small piece about an event/situation; or emotion or even perhaps about your sense of urgency with things. And then write a verse about it. You don't have to be a poet you just need to put your raw emotions behind your words. Whilst you are writing your verse you will be in touch with your heart and soul for a while. This is where you need to draw your words from... your heart and soul. When you have finished your verse you will feel fantastic and your emotions acknowledged. I have included a verse i wrote some time ago.

I know why my heart is in so much pain
I am all too familiar with the thoughts in my brain
I’ve been here before
Now I’m here again
Someone help me … please help me

There is nothing but depression inside of me
A state of such regression, it will be
I have to give in, I cannot keep going
I feel like I am choking, desperately choking

I can hardly take a breath
If I can’t breathe soon … I fear there will be death

My heart is shattered
It has no love to give me
It looks at me with sadness
It knows it can’t relieve me

I know why my heart is in so much pain
I am all too familiar with the thoughts in my brain
I’ve been here before
Now I’m here again
Someone help me … please help me



It seems like an eternity
For a day to go by and end
I sit and think paralysing thoughts
And listen to my heart cry … like there will be no end

This debilitating condition has control over me
I try to fight it … I beg it to go away
But it comes with such force
Comes and has its way

I know why my heart is in so much pain
I am all too familiar with the thoughts in my brain
I’ve been here before
Now I’m here again
Someone help me … please help me

Lots of pills I take and swallow
But sometimes they just don’t help
Something stronger takes over my mind
Something of a sinister kind

I’ve forgotten what I look like
I’ve forgotten my real face
For the one I have now is distorted
From existing each day in this state



Suicide thoughts come and go
I need to leave this deathly state
To leave this chronically sad person behind
And take my soul to another kind

My body is exhausted
My mind is frazzled
Someone help me … please help me

So weak I can hardly speak
But then I hear a curdling scream from within
‘I banish you, depression
Far across the seas
Your crippling ways are not welcome here
I am the captain and I will steer.’

[Idkme]

Hi again Fern,

I'm a teacher of year 11 students, I teach English and the worst bit is marking all the hundreds of essays... the even worse bit is when you're "triggered" and you keep re-reading the same sentence a hundred times and they all blur or your mind travels off....

There is, of course, no option to "not do it" because you have students relying on the results you have to give... but I can push through that... I can do that....

BUT... ask me to face my own emotions or say something nice about myself....well that's a completely different thing.... look me in the eye and you'd see a weak uneasy self... Am I working on it.... yes now that I know what to do a bit more... am I succeeding.... yes and no....

By the way, it's lovely that you drop in every now and then.... This is quite therapeutic in a way... I've just got to protect my identity (obviously), but that's what makes it easier to talk... because no-one need to know who I am and I can walk along a street with a big smile on my face and NOONE would have the slightest clue.... and the realisation that that is possibly a similar thing others are thinking and feeling also...

How are you going anyway Fern? what are your coping strategies? Mine are the new "Voooooo" breathing that I listened to from Peter Levine, and the 4782 breathes (from somewhere)... I love my back being scratched by my husband (but he has to do only the places I say and he can't do it rhythmically, it has to be random). But I'm still struggling with the 'triggered' moments, the "in your cupboard" moments when I want to curl up like a baby and rock back and forward. I feel so immature.... but I don't seem to be able to stop myself.... oh well.... only you guys here know that one.... wink wink....

[Idkme]

Wow Ayisha,

That's very deep and interpretive... It's great that you can put your words into poem... I'm not that gifted unfortunately. It's a good way to express the pain and I can really empathise with the way you say it.... so much darkness. The last verse if very empowering... I wonder if you say that to yourself a lot?, take control... My mother, who suffers bipolar, loves the sea, it seems to neutralise the effects of her "ebbs" or mood swings... I wonder if you could explore that more... find the beauty of the imagery...

however... for the challenge here's a deep short one for you from my journal collections....

Random, unthinking, careless, avoidance...

do whatever.. I don't care..

I can't feel you... I refuse to see you...

Alone, deep, dark, devastated, lonely, leave me be...

or maybe this...

I hate horror movies,

I hate the dark,

I hate me,

I want to live in a fairy kingdom,

how pathetic...

Let's try a better one...

Love, live, breathe, feel.

Trust, care, be kind

soothe, comfort, listen, aware

free, content, unwind.

[Idkme]

Trauma is like cancer.....

its an infectious nasty disease that can’t be ever cured....

there are many ways to treat cancer.... some work on some, some have little effect.... some of the cancers are fast acting and ‘take’ the strongest of us, others are slow and chip away taking but by bit of us. But then there are those who find a treatment that works, and some can declare their ‘cancer’ is ‘remission. Trauma can NEVER be cured.... but it CAN be treated.

Never give up hope.

[Guest_1211]

Hey Idk,

yep just popping in and out... it’s a crazy time for us in teacher land, I have 2 x 11’s and 2 x 12’s so I’m feeling it!

I don’t have much left for anything other than reading and being there for my seniors at the moment, but I’m still here! 😊

[blondguy]

Hello Idkme

I understand your pain with feeling over sensitized and it can be an awful place to be in. I used to have chronic anxiety for a while (10+years) and the symptoms do reduce in severity

You are strong for having the courage to post....especially when you are feeling over sensitized. Thats brilliant!

You mentioned "If I feel hypo (depressed state). I put some music on, go for a short brisk walk, sit in a paddock where I can see clouds and wonder at nature’s magnificence, have a cuddle with someone or something" Excellent mindset!

Im sorry as I am a late comer on your thread.....Just an idea that I never thought of when my anxiety was spiking....Can I ask if you have a GP that you can see in between your psychologists visits...just to help you express how you are feeling? (having a vent)

GP's have better training now compared to even 10 years ago. The bulk of Australian GP's appointments are related to mental health.....I still see mine every 4 weeks for a 'tune up' for my anxiety/depression

Great to have you as part of the Beyond Blue forum family (thumbs up!)

be gentle with yourself, and have a the best weekend you can....you deserve it 🙂

Paul

[Idkme]

Hi Fern,

its comforting to know I’m not alone in my struggles as a teacher. .. just know you also have someone who knows and can empathise.... others mynot comprehend the pressures, but I do....

and Paul,

thank you

unfortunately my trust issues have reduced to the fact I have very little trust in others, besides my husband and my ‘now’ psychologists, and this forum group. GPs are completely useless in my mindset, they are impossible to get in to here in a rural town, which means the town is too big for doctors to be personal, and too small to keep doctors (large turn over or closed books). I very rarely attend a doctor unless I’m nearly dead. I went to one recently to get a health plan and they had me in and out in 15 mins... I spoke around 20 words, I basically said ‘can I have a mental health plan’?, she asked me a few questions, then wrote up the plan.,,, she has NO idea of my issues because I didn’t tell her (of course she misdiagnosed but I got the plan). The referral she gave me was away for 3 weeks... lucky I had found other options and have now found a ‘trauma informed’ psychologist I can Skype who is 500km + away.

This forum has been very beneficial for me exploring my thoughts, thank you all for being part of it. I just hope I can help others to see the struggles they have are shared too.

[blondguy]

Hi Idkme

Thankyou for taking the time to post back.... Im sorry about the GP idea....especially being in a rural town which would make that a pain. Even though I have had chronic anxiety for 10+ years....its been followed by depression for another 25 years.....(under management and meds)

I joined the forums in 2016 when I was mess.....I actually tested the water in the Beyond Blue Cafe as I didnt have the strength to write my own thread topic. I am happy that you are here with us....I understand we dont have immediate chat, yet we have a ton of life experience that we help support you with 🙂

Just for your information Idkme....Approx 70% of the people that 'click' on the forums are readers that benefit from our posts....the remaining 30% choose to post.....You are already helping more people than you know and thankyou!

Your privacy and well being is paramount to Beyond Blue. You have a lot of experience that you can help support other members only if you wish to

Thankyou for the super complimentary comment about the forums too!

my kind thoughts

Paul

[Idkme]

Hi again Paul,

It's just so great to have ambassadors here that have committed themselves to this process... It has been amazing healing power for me... the opportunity to share ideas, thoughts and struggles with others in a non judgemental way but also to be ABLE to express those thoughts is great. I'm certain there are many out there that can't, or are struggling to do it... that's okay... we all deal in our own way. I think the dangers of immediate chat is getting advice that is not so good, or things spiraling quickly out of control. The only safe way to do that is on a direct chat to a "professionally" trained counselor. The beauty of this process is you can be more thoughtful and reflective in considering your responses... because once their posted they're there for everyone to read forever... It's invaluable to share these feelings, as you mentioned, so that those who are just reading can see they are not alone....

I hesitate to post on other's threads because I am not experienced with dealing with my trauma, but I can understand/empathise with some. So I will continue to post here while I have something to say or if someone has any questions they want to ask me. I guess it becomes a bit like a "blog" post...

one of the things that bugs me though is not knowing when someone comments on your post... it would be great to get notifications... I know in the early days I was desperate to get responses, but they weren't forthcoming, and I was checking every 15 mins which was exhausting... I'm better now, I only check a few times a day... but as I settle into more routine it would be great to know when someone posts on this thread so I could respond.... (just an observation). It's the anonymity that is so amazing about this site... (although private messaging from an "approved" person would be good too...).