Chronic instability/ moving house growing up and the repercussions now

[Justaperson]

Hi I'm a 22 year old guy and this is my first post on these forums. I wasn't sure which section to write this in but I think at least what set off my mental health problems is rooted in the trauma I experienced primarily in my early teen years and teen years in general. So this is where I decided to start.

Let me go over my past as concisely as I can.

When I was 11 I was in the last term of primary school. Coming into my final term of primary school, my mother impulsively decided to pack up our lives and everything we'd known and move interstate for a new lifestyle. We sold most of our belongings or put them in storage and within a few weeks of chaos we were driving up interstate against our will for mum's new life.

Due to the word limit I'm going to greatly summarise the next year and a half of hell that was my and my siblings life. So we moved interstate with no long term house arranged to move into. We literally arrived at a short term holiday accommodation with just our suitcases to spend the next 6 weeks until my parents could "figure it out"... They didn't.

I spent the last term of primary school at a school where I knew no one. We had to move again shortly after. I started high school a term late and then left a term and a half later after barely making friends. We became essentially homeless, and due to a bizarre combination of factors, we were moving all over South East QLD, from temp accommodation to temp accommodation, in dodgy units that could barely fit us. I had to share beds with my brothers or sleep on a blow up on the floor. This went on for at least 6 months. Packing up our suitcases and taking trains to another unit or apartment every week at most. During this period we moved roughly 26 times, no exaggeration. And I missed the rest of grade 7.

When we finally settled for a few months, it was after another failed start at school that my panic attacks and dissociation started.

I'm at the word limit and have left out a lot of detail and haven't gotten into my future issues but initial responses would be appreciated as to whether this counts and trauma. I can tell you as a 12 year old, I was stressed and scared all the time not knowing where we were going next and waiting in the cold sometimes at night at train stations for my parents to find somewhere to stay. It was really distressing and disorienting for my brothers and I.

[music_man]

Hi Justaperson,

I can relate quite a lot to your post. I was born in NZ. When I was 5 we moved to WA. Then when I was 9 we moved back to NZ. Then when I was 13 we moved to QLD. There were many small moves in between these major moves.

The move from NZ to Australia when I was 13 was particularly hard. I was already suffering from quite bad anxiety. I was very shy and quiet and found it hard to make new friends. I was mercilessly teased at school because of my accent. I did manage to make a few friends that first year in year 9 and then my parents pulled me out of that school to put me a private school. It devastated me. I had to start all over again.

I definitely consider what happened to me as trauma and your situation is no different. You've experienced a lot of trauma being constantly uprooted and moved all over the place. Being unable to settle down into routines and form relationships and constantly not knowing where you are going to end up is very traumatic when you are a child and have no control over what happening.

Jez

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Justaperson,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for deciding to join us and post. I'm really glad that you shared what's been happening with you and appreciate trying to summarise everything to help us understand.

I agree with Jez here. It would make sense that this constant uprooting and shifting can lead to trauma. While there was probably good intentions from your parents, this constant movement meant that you totally lacked any sort of stability - from where you lived, your relationships to your schooling (or lack of!). Add to that the fact that you were only 11 when it all started, right when you needed that the most.

I hope that this answers the question, and hopefully you'll find some comfort and support in the forums too.

RT

[Sashy]

Hi Justaperson,
I hope you have some more stability in life now?
I understand what it's like to be uprooted several times during childhood. First time we moved from overseas to Australia when I was 9. Then continued to move a further three times through various sides of my town during schooling. Always sudden with no warning, no control of what happens.
I've found what helped me later in life was just getting into a routine that is familiar (I.e. going to the same class each week with the same people). Doung some exercise and trying to make one or two closer connections (rather than trying to have lots of friends).
I hope you are doing well...

[Justaperson]

Thanks all for your responses.

It's nice to hear a bit about your experiences and that there are others who have experienced this kind of instability. I have really felt like my family is very different and separate for having gone through such an unusual life situation.

I'd like to continue on from where I left off and explain the symptoms I've had/ am having. I'd really appreciate any ideas as to the best course of action for achieving real changes, opinions on what it actually is I'm struggling with, and whether you can relate.

So as I said, when I was 13 is when we settled longer term for 8 months. I finally was going back to high school, but was so anxious to start. Took me a few days to build up the courage and when I got there, the school just didn't suit. I couldn't get on with anyone. I left after 2 weeks.

After this, while looking for yet another school, confused again, one day I was in the park with the family. I don't remember feeling real anxiety before this point or even having a concept of it; but suddenly I had this stream of thoughts. "What even is life? Existence? How do we know we do exist or what is real? Immediately these thoughts stuck, and my brain seemed to conclude that nothing is in fact real. I could fight against this and tried to tell myself why life, the world, myself is in fact real and exists, but my subconscious just concluded that it wasn't. This revelation my brain came to just created the worst possible feelings and state of mind. Horrific dread, like I was going to suffer something worse than death, because even the process of dying didn't exist, nothing existed. Existing was fake. I just felt this. And it felt like some void was just going to swallow me.

I was having severe continuous panic attacks and wanted to cry all the time. Crying, as it is designed to do, provided me with momentarily emotional release but within half an hour the dread and thoughts were back. Ruminating on these thoughts constantly, unable to see around them, why they weren't true.

My identity, my structure of what the world was, every familiar thing and feeling was gone. The world felt like this hollow, 2 dimensional thing with no sensation. I would physically widen my eyes to try and take in more of the world, because I felt like I was watching it, detached, behind a foggy pane of glass.

When I googled these symptoms, the first result was Depersonalisation/ derealisation. The description for that is incredibly accurate.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Justaperson,

It's good to hear back from you and thank you for opening up more about your experiences. You asked for opinions on what you're struggling with but it seems like you've already figured that out - derealisation/depersonalisation.

I noticed that in your message you were saying 'was' and 'were' - is this something that's in the past or something that you are still struggling with?

Personally, I am a big believer in therapy and there's a lot of evidence talking about how useful therapy is for trauma especially. As a kid, we need stability - I think I mentioned that in my earlier post, but not having stability in aspects of your life kind of caused a bit of 'shattering' and dissociation as a result.

RT

[Justaperson]

Hi romantic_thi3f thanks a lot for the response. And sorry for the delayed reply, concentration is something I really struggle with due to my mental health. Working all day is hard enough and when I get home its hard to find any drive to get on here and post, even when I'd like to.

Sorry if I went on a bit of a spiel there, it was just a flow of consciousness recalling my struggle. I was going to continue on but I hit the word limit. I was trying to give my full back story. But I won't go into full detail going forward. I'll get to where I am now.

I said 'was' and were' as I see when I was 13 as my first episode. I lived with these symptoms in this almost 'fugue state' for 9 months at that time. Somehow I started a new school and carried on doing things even with this. I reflect on it now as a 24/7 thing that I was suffering all the time but obviously there must have been periods of relief. But they were never long. Like it all felt very foreign anyway to be in school again after being so out of it for the 6 months before. But during class, I'd be looking around and out the window and just feel not there. So fearful, confused and empty. I'd be grappling with these thoughts about reality if I wasn't distracted with something else. Anyway so this carried on for 9 months. Something was triggered in my mind and I was just a different person. I felt I was never going to know normal again. I would cry to my parents most nights trying to explain to them but understandably they didn't really know what to say.

[Justaperson]

At the end of the 9 months is when we went on a holiday to Tasmania though and where my first episode ended. It was really strange. Up until I was on the plane I was stuck in the same sh*t as I had been every day for the passed 9 months, a horrible existence. But something about going to a new place, the change, the fact it was a holiday, my mind started to shift back to being healthy again. Literally it was like I was escaping a prison of irrational thought and confusion in my brain and was starting to reconnect with the external world again. Upon arriving in Tasmania, we'd rented a holiday home and a place called Cataract Gorge was nearby where we'd walk nearly every day. Its just the best dose of nature and clean air you can get in Australia. Within a week, all I can say is that my mind went back to normal. The episode ended and I wasn't suffering the active symptoms of severe anxiety, depression or DP/DR anymore. I could SEE myself again if that makes any sense. To say it was a relief would be the biggest understatement. The way I remember it was like a physical switch in my brain. All I was left with was just the aftermath of what I'd gone through the passed 9 months and the regret, anger and loss I felt because of it. However I was only 13. Way to young to have gone through this. And I decided to just dismiss it and move forward. I told myself whatever that was, it was just a strange phase and it would never happen again. For the next 6 weeks we stayed in Tasmania, it wasn't really a holiday, more just an excuse for my mum to move again. I left that school in Brisbane yet again with plans to start another one in the new year when we returned from Tasmania. But I didn't care, I was grateful for it. I was so happy again in Tasmania, it actually was the medicine I needed and it made me better again.

At the end of the 6 weeks we did return to Brisbane though. As soon as we landed and were back in Brisbane streets I remember I felt noticeably depressed again, but not severely. My 9 month experience in Brisbane and all the moving I'd done here before the mental health episode had actually given me it's own PTSD. And I just didn't like Brisbane anymore.

But for the next year, I was pretty stable mentally. Here and there I'd feel weird and depersonalized again, but I wasn't in an active mental health episode. I went to a new school during this year and again didn't make many friends but at least I wasn't mentally ill.

CONTINUING ON IN NEW POST

[Justaperson]

It was a year later though that things got bad again. In grade 10, I started one more school that would be the final school until I finished year 12. This was a selective school , that was just years 10 - 12 for creative arts. So everyone was starting the same time as me. It was a great place, with zero tolerance for any bullying and just a great group of people. It was the first school in my life that I'd ever felt excited to start.

The first term went pretty great. I'd never had long term friendships as a teenager so I was a bit shy to make proper friends but I was also a confident personality at the same time. I was joining extra curricular groups and really loving staying back for chats with people. I got a girlfriend. Just actually enjoying myself feeling like a pretty regular teenager.

Then just the worst happened that derailed my life again. As had always been the case in our life, my family (instigated by my mother, who has a whole host of mental health issues that have definitely affected us kids. Story for another time) became unstable and moving everywhere again. Although I was loving my school, my home life was horrific. We were living in tempoaray accomodation where sometimes I had to travel over 2hrs one way to get to school. I felt I had to lie to my friends about where I was living because it was embarrassing, and it made me late and depressed and mentally vulnerable again. I seriously blame my mother for my problems as her issues ultimately led to all this displacement in our lives.

So it was one place we stayed at in a rural suburb on the way to the gold coast where my second, and persisting to this day, mental health episode started. I was 15 and I'm now 22. i'm still in this 'episode' and haven't recovered.

This place was crammed and depressing already. We were all fed up with the moving. One night the movie A Beautiful Mind with Russel Crowe was on about the schizophrenic man. This is the movie that triggered me. Because the episode I went through when I was 13, I was reminded of the symptoms by some of the symptoms he had in the movie. I wish I'd never watched it that night.

That night I literally felt my mind spiral down again and all the old symptoms were back and they just didn't go away. I was confused, irrational, depersonalised and I couldnt get out of it. I didnt want to talk to anyone at school anymore, I lost my girlfriend, I could barely make eye contact with people.

CONTINUING ON IN NEW POST

[Justaperson]

I've been typing for ages so I'm not going to go into detail right now, but I've been in an active state of mental ill health for 7 years now and I don't know how to make myself better again.

I have tried quite a number of things but have had no lasting results.

It's so frustrating because I'm trying to proactively get the right treatments, and I've tried to maintain the mindset that I'm going to get through it but I'm just not better.

I've been to a number of psychologists over the years. One psychiatrist. Tried a number of different antidepressants. I just feel I'm not getting results.

But typing this all out now is giving me a different perspective. That's kind of why I came on here in the first place. I said Tasmania made me feel better, and I haven't been out of Brisbane the last 7 years I've been suffering with this. So maybe going back to Tas or somewhere similar will be what I need again. Also I've never been able to stick with one therapist regularly, and I think I need someone consistent, who I can see in a concentrated span of time.

I'm so scared though, because even after the first 9 month episode I feel I only just managed to recover from that. It has now been 7 YEARS with these symptoms and it has ruined my life in a number of ways. And I'm scared I'm now unrecoverable. I can't see myself ever been able to think properly clearly again. It's just been to long where my mind has been a mess. I haven't had a girlfriend in all this time. I try to tell myself I'm going to do things despite my problems, but I can't see myself being able to fulfill any goals because of it. I have very little goals, motivations, or aspirations, because I just don't want to do things if I'm going to be suffering with mental ill health while doing it.

Advice on what I can tell myself about the future and what I should focus on as best course of action at this point in time would be appreciated.

I obviously don't expect anyone to read or respond to all of this. I have just used this as an outlet, as my own journal that other people can see, because I didn't want to keep it to myself anymore. It's like I want people to know that I'm trying my best.

I also probably should have asked this in the beginning. Are these forums completely confidential? I know it's not a good idea to put everything as deeply personal as mental health out there for everyone to see and I've basically outlined most of my life story. Please let me know if posting all this isnt suitable.