Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. *Wall of text*

[John_Smith_the_III]

First post, not sure it belongs here given the content so i apologize in advance if it is the wrong thread. Also it's going to be a long post which will be multiple posts. Sorry... "trigger warning" i suppose.

Basically i'm depressed for insane reasons. I was sexually abused by a relative as a kid which honestly doesn't bother me so much, but as a result of experiencing this so young i developed irregular behaviours of all kinds. Between i guess what must have been 4 and 9 years of age I had developed sexually inappropriate behaviours towards other kids, the type which i found out as an adult are considered very serious and are suppose to be reported to protective services or authorities of some kind. I don't know if the adults around me didn't catch on or were idiots OR just straight up neglectful but these behaviours went unchecked.

I'm in my late 20's now and though all such behaviours had disappeared by the time i was 10 or so i feel absolutely disgusted by them even being a thing that i did as a kid. To put it bluntly i feel like my body and genetics are a disgusting product of a disgusting genetic ancestry full of disgusting people.

Other behaviours i developed were severe anxieties, depressive, attachment and defiant disorders, explosive rage attacks with little provocation, fear of taking clothes of around people, bed wetting until a late age, mentally regressive behaviours all of which were more or less ignored and treated with  ADD medication. I believe i was mostly seen as "a little shit who needs a good smacking". Most of these problems went away by the time i was 10 except for the severe anxiety, depression and anger issues which all got extremely severe from around age 12-14. I was eventually diagnosed as having major depressive disorder with lots of talk about Asperger's and possible Bi-Polar features. I was medicated for these things for a few years.

[John_Smith_the_III]

Sorry, i haven't been explaining myself here properly. I'm not a religious or spiritual person so i believe things happen for no reason. Since i believe these things have all happened for no reason and don't mean anything it's hard for me to feel like a victim of someone's bad behaviour, and more like a victim of existence and nature. Victim isn't really the right word here since nature doesn't have intentions and it's all really just bad luck. I also meant to point out that as gross as my abuser is i actually pity him a lot, because i'm sure he didn't choose to be what he is, which is something quite appalling, again really bad luck for him.

I think this is why i end up on forums.. My beliefs about existence don't offer me any consolation but i'm still looking for it. It's sort of a paradox i suppose how my beliefs don't allow me to feel comfort but i'm in need of comforting. Sort of like how i'm terribly lonely but incapable of properly bonding with or trusting people. I think maybe i come on the forums to talk about myself as well, because apparently i'm self obsessed 😛

[Quercus]

Hi John and thanks for keeping on replying to us it means a lot to me,

This I understand...

the signs of abuse were so strong i don't understand why the adults around me didn't investigate sooner rather than accusing me of being a bad kid

I hate it too. That children with significant problems are ignored or worse... Blamed!

I've seen this my whole life (Mum is a public school teacher most often in low socio-economic areas). The amount of times she has reported parents is ridiculous. I'm not just talking about sexual abuse but neglect and drug use. And usually... Nothing happens.

The house may be checked. But people know how to play the system or at least play dumb.

Nothing changes.

So she (as long as I remember) has taken food to school. Kept our clothes and shoes and toys to give. She does homework and reading with kids while they wait for the bus because she knows they won't get to do it otherwise.

And she says the things others won't. Like phoning the parents and saying she expects them to pick up their child and take them home for a bath and a clean uniform and she expects them back safe in half an hour or she's calling the local cops (who back her totally).

I asked her once... Why do you do it? She said to the kids school is an escape. They need a safe place. It made me sad and hopeless. I know my mother. She is kick ass and none of the addict parents want to cross her. But what about other kids? Like you. Who everybody failed.

I hate this system we have. Hate it. Hate that everyone ignored your hurt. To me it makes them equally as responsible to have known and done nothing.

Doesn't help you. I'm sorry. But I am angry for you too and I get why you must feel so bloody let down. Because you were.

Speaking up about it. That's a good first step though right? We can't change anything if noone knows what happens.

[John_Smith_the_III]

I'm not so sure talking about things i'm annoyed about helps in the long run. Maybe it relieves a bit of the frustration at the time that i'm feeling particularly annoyed but overall there hasn't ever been any improvements to my mood on average.

On a side note; I can't really describe the mood i feel most days. It's definitely a depressed one but not so dramatic. I suppose the word "gray" kind of describes the feeling, though i don't like using dark colours to describe the feeling because they're a bit cliche i prefer darkness over light anyways. Having said that, when i'm out in the day light everything feels very "gray", when i think maybe it would be more normal to see it as a nice sunny day. Seeing all the houses along the streets and people driving to and from places feels very gray. Any relationships i have with people feel gray. All my memories have a grayness about them. I think loneliness is apart of this gray feeling, though not lonely as in no one is around right now but lonely like it wouldn't even matter if anyone was around anyway.

[Quercus]

Hi John and welcome back,

I had to smile... You use the word 'grey'. I use the word 'meh'. Some people use the word 'numb'. But in all the words show a disconnection with the people and things and experiences around us.

In my experience that inability to feel or care or connect is a warning sign my depression is not managed well.

Did you end up going back to the doctor? What has changed for you since your initial post John?

A thought I have been struggling with lately is purpose. I have days where I feel like I'm just passing time on this earth. We do need purpose and connection. I know you mentioned struggling to connect with people but what do you feel about animals or the environment?

Is there anything that you feel able to connect to even in this grey space you're in? For me I find those things I find enjoyment in and seize the opportunity to feel.

I hope you can keep talking us through how you are managing.

Nat

[John_Smith_the_III]

I haven't been back to the doctor yet. I'm not so good with organizing things that i should be doing.

I like animals a lot, but still any family pets we ever had that died or were given away didn't make me feel anything. I don't know if i'm a sociopath or what, but i just don't experience feelings of missing things. It doesn't really matter whether i do nothing all day or create things or socialize or anything at all, i still feel like it's all for nothing and everything keeps on feeling gray. As far as i can tell i don't really want anything either. Like i don't have any real desire for things other than like some fizzy drink or other such pointless things.

[Quercus]

Hi John,

Thanks for replying to me. The way you write about not 'feeling' is a real concern to me. I know you mention it is difficult to make yourself organise the doctor's appointment but I do feel strongly it is really important.

Do you feel like you are a risk to yourself or is it more just numbness?

If you worry about things like being a sociopath that really does need the guidance, opinion and diagnosis of a psychiatrist. You said you saw one once and it didn't help but I can't help but think you do need to know what is going on within you in order to make changes.

If you feel at risk could you please call or sign up for an online chat with the suicide callback service? 1300659467. You don't have to be suicidal to call. Of all of the helplines this one does allow for longer conversations.

I hope you don't feel fobbed off by this. I am still listening if it helps you to write. But I do feel you need more support than you currently have.

Nat

[John_Smith_the_III]

Probably not going to do anything drastic any time soon. I've tried to figure out if my ability to have relationships with people was damaged by the bad things that happened when i was young but really i can't recall ever having cared about anyone much. I was diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum once so i just go with that explanation.

By the way, having been diagnosed on the spectrum + all the bad things that happened when i was a child makes it seem like i hit some real bad luck upon being born.

[eagle72]

yes talking about it is an individual decision.....you have to be ready.....im a mum of an abused child and i could be driving...or going to the toilet and all the emotions will hit me.....so...i have to calm myself down....

i agree, no talking will change it or fix it....but it does release it.

[eagle72]

John Smith the III please read....

reading between the lines you learn peoples true thoughts.....and with you.....your struggle of finding why? why did this happen to you? well....YOU WILL NEVER FIND OUT.

i am a mum of a beautiful girl who told me at age 2yrs that daddy hurt her. i caught him....he got supervised visits.

we had sexual assault detectives do vat evidence tapes....my evidence....child psychologists reporting that she 100% believes its true....

lets not forget i actually caught the bastard.....so YEAH....ITS TRUE..

my point to sharing all this with you john is......

let go of wondering how, why,.....i too cant comprehend how a dad can hurt is daughter who actually was 22months at the time.

im sorry you suffered back then...and still do.....but as a mum of an abused child, i DID EVERYTHING to get that sicko locked up and the courts protected him.

11 years on and i am suffering....she now has chosen to live with him....yes thats right.

all the feelings and emotions have come back. i feel i failed.

im sorry no one protected you john, but i suppose im sharing all of this to let you know that no matter even if someone had.....

we are alone in our thoughts....

the best we can do is accept people as they are. it is there problem. not ours.

the pain is ours......

the wondering why me.....is ours

the constant flashbacks .....is ours

but ALSO....

we OWN OUR SOUL....they will NEVER BREAK US!!!

[John_Smith_the_III]

That is a disturbing story. I can't really wrap my mind around the insanity of it all, or how for these offending people it's just a normal everyday thing for them. I'm always stuck between understanding and hatred.