Childhood abuse, disturbing behaviour as a child, eventual recovery and being about my life. *Wall of text*

[John_Smith_the_III]

First post, not sure it belongs here given the content so i apologize in advance if it is the wrong thread. Also it's going to be a long post which will be multiple posts. Sorry... "trigger warning" i suppose.

Basically i'm depressed for insane reasons. I was sexually abused by a relative as a kid which honestly doesn't bother me so much, but as a result of experiencing this so young i developed irregular behaviours of all kinds. Between i guess what must have been 4 and 9 years of age I had developed sexually inappropriate behaviours towards other kids, the type which i found out as an adult are considered very serious and are suppose to be reported to protective services or authorities of some kind. I don't know if the adults around me didn't catch on or were idiots OR just straight up neglectful but these behaviours went unchecked.

I'm in my late 20's now and though all such behaviours had disappeared by the time i was 10 or so i feel absolutely disgusted by them even being a thing that i did as a kid. To put it bluntly i feel like my body and genetics are a disgusting product of a disgusting genetic ancestry full of disgusting people.

Other behaviours i developed were severe anxieties, depressive, attachment and defiant disorders, explosive rage attacks with little provocation, fear of taking clothes of around people, bed wetting until a late age, mentally regressive behaviours all of which were more or less ignored and treated with  ADD medication. I believe i was mostly seen as "a little shit who needs a good smacking". Most of these problems went away by the time i was 10 except for the severe anxiety, depression and anger issues which all got extremely severe from around age 12-14. I was eventually diagnosed as having major depressive disorder with lots of talk about Asperger's and possible Bi-Polar features. I was medicated for these things for a few years.

[Quercus]

Hello John and welcome,

I'm not going to wait for post number 2 because I want you to know you've been heard and that people are listening and do care.

The disgust you feel towards your pedophile relatives, your abuse and neglect are completely understandable.

I do feel like it is important to point out to you though (in regards to your disgust towards yourself) you were a child and children need guidance and kindness and boundaries. You had none. You've managed to get to 20 years old and are able to say you are different than your family. Can you see how strong and capable and resilient and self aware that makes you?

Noone taught you what was right and wrong. Gave you guidance or boundaries. You did that for yourself. I think that is admirable.

I hope you write more. I am curious to know what sort of supports you have around you.

Every family has genetics we want to wish away. The reality is though you are your own person. You can choose to be different. To manage your mental illness and even to advocate for the protection of children. You know the harm it does. And empathy and understanding is crucial to making change happen.

Nat

[John_Smith_the_III]

No support. I'm incapable of having friendships or intimate relationships. I get lonely all the time but i can barely stand anyone for very long.

[Kate25]

I get lonely all the time. I cant stand the company of others for too long and the reason is because when they start complaining about their lives I feel like screaming out is that all. Maybe I'm jealous that they haven't been through what i went through. Dont no. Maybe I frightened they will find out and make fun of me. I wish you all the best.

[Quercus]

Hello again John and welcome to the forums Kate,

I'm sorry I took ages to be able to reply.

You both talk about having no patience for the issues of others and that makes sense to me. I told my psychiatrist once I have a level of tolerance and patience and energy to give and once I've hit that level I have nothing to give anyone. I retreat and try to survive.

Does that sound like something either of you can relate to?

His reply was that anger and irritability can be part of depression. That I feel so emotional and overwhelmed and have little capacity to deal with anything extra. And part of managing this was getting the help I needed.

Do either of you see a medical professional currently? I find the relationship with my psychiatrist to be unique. It is all about ME and what I need to talk about. I had never had this before. To have someone just listen without sharing in return. Even the psychologist I saw didn't help because she kept talking about herself and I'd leave feeling stressed about her on top of my issues.

What I'm getting at is would you consider this? Is it financially viable for you to see a psychiatrist for therapy? They are initially expensive but once the medicare safety net threshold is reached it becomes affordable ($12 a session for me).

He is not my friend. I pay him to listen and help me untangle a lifetime of crap in my head. Plus he manages my medication. One stop shop if you like. It might sound like a sales pitch but I think it's important for people to know there are different types of therapy and that some suit others better.

I wonder John and Kate... If there was a place in your lives where you could count on being able to speak and be listened to... If that would help give you some space mentally to try and form some relationships?

Would love to know what you think. And also how you both are if you feel like sharing.

Nat

[John_Smith_the_III]

Talking about it doesn't really help at all. I've made countless forum posts over the years expressing these same frustrations but nothing comes of it. I saw a psychiatrist and psychologist not long ago but i couldn't shake the thought of them not actually knowing anything about anything. I tried a couple different medications over the past two years but they didn't do anything. I've been thinking of going to try some new meds but it takes me a while to get out of the house.

[Quercus]

Hi John,

I must admit I'm a bit confused about what you hope to find on the forums....

Your frustration is palpable and I care but I'm not really sure how to help you. Could you point me in the right direction? How can we help you?

You said that talking doesn't help you. But that is what the forums offer. A space to work through problems and find empathy and support and ideas through talking/writing.

I think braving a trip to the doctor is a good idea. Trialling a few meds until you find one that helps is pretty normal I've learnt.

Nat

[white knight]

Hi John, welcome

Us peer group champs are not professional medical staff. We are bound by the rules but also by mainly our own experiences. If we have been abused as a child we'd have a better chance of identifying with your struggles.

So our guidance, advice can be therefore hit and miss. Some will find it of no benefit other will find it gold.

Quercus raised a valid point about " Talking about it doesn't really help at all" yet you are on the forum to seek help. I'm wondering if this is a form of showing how desperate you are? I suspect so. In such a case you really need that professional help as we likely cant hit that nail on the head that we do often here.

At any rate, maybe we can help in terms of seeking a path through life that will, in a restrictive sense, be able for you to mix with people in a limited manner and for that not to compromise your daily life.

I found that to be a problem for me also. I cant blend in to groups "be one of the boys", yet I'm an ok communicator. The reason is my sensitivity. I had to find a way, a formula to communicate with other people in a manner and in a quantity that would not hurt my feelings and not make me a recluse. These is a sweet spot there that we should seek.

This delicate level of community/family/friends contact can be perfected over time. It's like this. Imagine you are on the end of a pier. People are represented as the water. Every now and then you jump in (talk to someone) but the time is limited by how long you can hold your breath. Then you surface and dry on the pier until its time to jump in again. The pier is your safe place. But if you never jump in then you are a hermit. That isn't idela either.

Can you google these. They offer ideas about it. You only need to read the first post.

Topic: fortress of survival- beyondblue

Topic: the labyrinth of friendships- beyondblue

Topic: want to be a hermit?- beyondblue

Topic: they just wont understand, why?- beyondblue

Topic: dysthymia- beyondblue

Topic: depression and toxic people- beyondblue

That last one is typical of the lives we lead, living with toxic people around us. The fortress we have to create excludes those toxic people (if you have them) and places a barrier there with a door that only you have the key.

I hope that helps.

Tony WK

[White_Rose]

Hello John

Welcome to the forum. I am sorry you have received only a few replies. Usually there is more but your thread has slipped through a little. You certainly have been through the mill with such abuse and neglect.

I noticed you said, I was sexually abused by a relative as a kid which honestly doesn't bother me so much, I am unsure whether to congratulate you or be sad. The belief that such an action does not affect you is in itself a worry. As Tony commented, we are not mental health specialists of the formal kind. We are the lived experience people and we offer our insights and experiences to others for support, to suggest actions and to help you get suitable information.

I see a psychiatrist weekly for a number of reasons. At one session the talk got round to my family when I was a child and brought up something I must have buried many years ago. To my surprise it was overwhelming and I burst into tears. No, nothing as bad as your experience but distressing to me. We used that to talk about what the effects of my childhood events had on my present way of living and thinking. I would much rather it was buried but I also know it explained much about my life.

My next question was what's the point of bringing this stuff up, I cannot change the past and it only makes me upset. Very true. The broader discussion around this time has helped me to understand why I sat on the stairs when I was supposed to be in bed and listened to the adults and older siblings talking. And why I felt I was the odd one out in the family.

I'm pouring out my history because I think it may well apply to you, although in a different context. You say, Talking about it doesn't really help at all. I said that as well to a different psychiatrist and demanded he tell me the point of talking. Unfortunately he was not good with words and I never found out. Maybe this is your experience also. As I said I see a psych weekly. She is very perceptive and fair more communicative, hence the revelation above. I finally found out the purpose of talking.

It is to understand what happened both from the point of view of the child that was then and the adult that is now. Understand how my life has been shaped by those incidents and why I have certain characteristics. Believe me it was an eye opener. Do you think if you had someone to talk to, someone who could help you relate your childhood and youth to the person you are now, it would be a good thing?

Out of allowance. Talk again please.

Mary

[John_Smith_the_III]

I think maybe the reason there aren't so many replies to my thread is because my childhood may have been a little more demented than most peoples so how is anyone really supposed respond.

The thing about me not being so bothered by the abuse is because my abuser wasn't so bright. There's probably some belief that if this person abused kids he must be pure evil but i lived with this person for years and have pretty much deconstructed his personality and really i think he was somewhat socially and intellectually disabled. By socially disabled i mean he (and a lot of my other relatives) don't really seem to be able to comprehend the fact that other people exist. They're somewhat sociopathic, not in some evil genius way but in a way as if their brains didn't develop to that social stage properly so it's easy for them to make selfish decisions in a child like way. By intellectually disabled i mean they actually have poor reasoning and are prone to believing in supernatural things or conspiracies. Obviously none of this means a person is going to be an abuser or makes it okay to abuse children but it's like i wouldn't blame a bear for trying to eat me, because that's what bears do.

I think that's really what i'm getting at with not being so bothered. My relatives are pretty blameless being who they are. That being said i don't consider them family and would prefer to never see them again. Though, i would admit that since the signs of abuse were so strong i don't understand why the adults around me didn't investigate sooner rather than accusing me of being a bad kid. Honestly this gets to me more than anything. Like what is wrong with everyone.