Centaureds story. TW

[Centaured]

I feel like writing down some of my story might help me ease some of the pain in my head right now. Ive been on beyond blue for a while now and had a few different threads but haven't shared much of my story, or the reasons why I have developed DID.

Be mindful this post mentions different types of abuse.

On the outside my childhood looked normal. I had a mum, a dad, a brother, and some extended family. And although we weren't well off, my parents still owned their home and we had food on the table.But behind closed things were falling apart.

It starts at just 5. My dad was diagnosed with a serious brain tumour. It mainly effected his emotions and his body's ability to regulate itself. He was very sick, spent over 6 months in treatment. The drs got rid of his tumour but he was never the same, with serious brain damage and vision impaired.
My mum became physically abusive not being able manage, or lock us up for days. I don't know what was worse.
At 5 I also had a big operation in my abdomen and with things going on at home began my struggle with eating and thus I later developed an eating disorder but that is only a side note.

In the years following I had issues with my grandfather, he was always touchy but I vague memories of this slowly getting worse.

Then at 8-9 I was the product of incest. My brother would touch me, but in the later period this left to much more and rape. 

The next year my family moved states and I got away from grandfather and my brothers abuse stopped.

I would withdraw into fantasy and began to dissociate a lot.

Then High School came around and was difficult with very few friends and bullying and avoidance.
My mum had an affair when I was 13 and then left my dad. Forcing me and my brother to live week with her week with dad. It was very destabilizing.

Later on in school I became increasingly withdrawn, and began to self harm. My weight at this point was getting very low. By the end of high school my weight was critical and I made my first attempt.

Ive spent the next 11 years in and out of hospital, institutions, in various therapies, seen so many different professionals, struggling to come to the conclusion that I am not not what has happened to me

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Centaured

Please don’t feel any pressure to reply. Focus on whatever you need to right now. Maybe see if you can rest and think of something peaceful, like the scenery in your beautiful painting. Just sending you kind thoughts and care.

 I’m so sorry about your step father. That would be very hard right now. Take care 🌼🌸🌷🌿

[Summer Rose]

Hi Centaured 

I’m sorry you’re feeling so overwhelmed. I know the feeling well. 
For me, sleep is a great healer. I also like to “chunk things down”. Deal with one thing at a time, which is usually the most pressing issue.

You will get through the phone call first, given it’s imminent. You don’t have to feel pressure to respond, it’s okay to just listen. If you’re not happy with what they say, you can plan a response.
You have time to work out how to connect with your stepdad. A family member or nurse can FaceTime you into his room, for example. Or, someone can hold a phone to his ear, so that he can hear your voice and feel your love even if he can’t speak. This is how I communicated with my mother during her last days, while I was waiting for a flight to travel to see her. 
Focus on your breathing and just try to slow things down. Think about your power to control your destiny now. You have choices, lovely. You have a future. I’m just waiting for the day that I can buy one of your pieces and tell ever admirer about the amazing inspirational courageous person who painted it.

Kind thoughts to you 

[Bob_22]

Hi Centaured,

Thinking of you during this rough time. Don't worry about replying just focus on yourself. If you need to chat to someone about your step dad, griefline.org.au is a great resource. 💙

Bob

[Centaured]

I'm having a bad day again. I'm sick of my life. 

[Summer Rose]

Hi Centaured

Try to remember this: there is treatment available. 
There is a light at the end of the tunnel and you will get there with treatment.

Kind thoughts to you

[Summer Rose]

Hey Centaured

Hoping that your bad day has passed and that the sun is shining today.

Kind thoughts to you 

[Centaured]

Thanks for keeping the hope for me Summer Rose. I'm about to get admitted to the psych ward while they fi ish adjusting my meds and sorting tbi g out at home. My team had a meeting with my psychiatrist and the hospital and have decided this is the best step for me right now. I'm kinda anxious about it. Bit who knows it might it help. I've been sitting in ed since Sunday, but just found out I'll be getting a bed on the ward this afternoon.  

Here's I find a fraction of hope to see this though as best as I can. 

[Centaured]

Another good things is that they have acknowledged my ASD diagnosis. It means a lot to me bit I'm wondering where to now. 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Centaured

I’m so glad you’re feeling a bit of hope and some support and acknowledgement from others. Feeling seen, heard and understood can be a deep source of healing, even when things have felt hopeless previously. It’s like a kind of emotional healing medicine just knowing you are not alone and someone is getting you.

The time on the psych ward may be a good opportunity to just be taken care of and rest. You don’t need to try to solve the future of what an ASD diagnosis might mean right now. It may help you get more assistance and understanding and provide a framework to work through your healing journey going forwards.

 I would say just rest and know you are safe and not alone. People care and are looking out for you. Sending you caring and healing wishes 🙏

[Summer Rose]

Hi Centaured 

I know from my experience that sitting around an ED is no fun, especially when experiencing a mental illness. I really hope you’re now in your room.

I think it’s natural to feel some anxiety about an inpatient stay. Try to remember that all the staff  there want to help you. And all the other patients are fighting their own battles, so just be kind and polite and hopefully they will respond the same to you. 
If I was in your shoes, I think I’d want to learn as much as I can about autism to gain a better insight into what this diagnosis means. I was recently doing some research and had the opportunity to read The Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome by Tony Wood. It could be helpful to you. I would imagine it would be available at your local library.
Hope you get a good night’s sleep.

Kind thoughts to you