Centaureds story. TW

[Centaured]

I feel like writing down some of my story might help me ease some of the pain in my head right now. Ive been on beyond blue for a while now and had a few different threads but haven't shared much of my story, or the reasons why I have developed DID.

Be mindful this post mentions different types of abuse.

On the outside my childhood looked normal. I had a mum, a dad, a brother, and some extended family. And although we weren't well off, my parents still owned their home and we had food on the table.But behind closed things were falling apart.

It starts at just 5. My dad was diagnosed with a serious brain tumour. It mainly effected his emotions and his body's ability to regulate itself. He was very sick, spent over 6 months in treatment. The drs got rid of his tumour but he was never the same, with serious brain damage and vision impaired.
My mum became physically abusive not being able manage, or lock us up for days. I don't know what was worse.
At 5 I also had a big operation in my abdomen and with things going on at home began my struggle with eating and thus I later developed an eating disorder but that is only a side note.

In the years following I had issues with my grandfather, he was always touchy but I vague memories of this slowly getting worse.

Then at 8-9 I was the product of incest. My brother would touch me, but in the later period this left to much more and rape. 

The next year my family moved states and I got away from grandfather and my brothers abuse stopped.

I would withdraw into fantasy and began to dissociate a lot.

Then High School came around and was difficult with very few friends and bullying and avoidance.
My mum had an affair when I was 13 and then left my dad. Forcing me and my brother to live week with her week with dad. It was very destabilizing.

Later on in school I became increasingly withdrawn, and began to self harm. My weight at this point was getting very low. By the end of high school my weight was critical and I made my first attempt.

Ive spent the next 11 years in and out of hospital, institutions, in various therapies, seen so many different professionals, struggling to come to the conclusion that I am not not what has happened to me

[Bob_22]

Hi Centaured,

Thank you for sharing your story here. Its great that you've recognised you're in some distress and that sharing your story can be beneficial. You also never know who might connect with and benefit from it. 

It is great that you have come to the conclusion that you are no what has happened to you. Are there any particular tips or were there any particular turning points that led to this that you could share? Are you currently seeing any professionals with whom you connect with?

Much thanks

Bob

[Summer Rose]

Hello Centaured

I can imagine that it took a lot of courage to write your post. Congratulations on taking this step. I hope it helps you to get “it” out and receive community support.

Families break in so many different ways, but your story is terribly and particularly heartbreaking. If it weren’t for the “universe” (for lack of a better word) things might have been so different. All beyond your control and no point asking, why. There will never be a satisfactory answer (I have travelled this road, albeit with a vastly different issue).
The onset of your Dad’s illness was such a cruel blow for him, you and the entire family. I’m so sorry this happened, as it seems to have put in train a most devastating series of events.

Your grandfather and brother’s crimes were abhorrent. None of this was your fault. You are not to blame. You deserved so much better.

I am so proud that you have come to the realisation that you are not what happened to you. I know it might be hard, but please believe it with all your heart. 
From what you’ve shared, you are a determined fighter, a survivor, an insightful person gaining clarity, and an amazing human being.

I am a mum who has cared for an adult child with a chronic MH condition for over a decade. I have some idea of the windy road you’re on. If you let me, I will walk with you.
I’m no expert and certainly not a professional, but I promise you unconditional support, kindness and understanding.

Kind thoughts to you 

[Centaured]

Thank you summer rose and Bob for the thoughtful replies. Sorry it's taken me a little while to reply to your posts. 

Bob- I currently have a community mental health team and on the NDIS which helps provide a psychologist among things. Talking therapy and CBT helped me realise that things were out of control and not my fault. It took a while and I don't think it was one particular thing but many that lead me to that conclusion. 

Summer rose - thank you, I appreciate it. 

[Summer Rose]

You are most welcome, Centaured.

I was really happy to read that you are receiving professional MH and NDIS support. I know it’s incredibly hard, but I encourage you to stick with it, as the treatment/support can really help you to heal.

This is so important. You deserve all the love and support in the world, and I encourage you to grasp this opportunity to try and take back what is rightfully yours—a life on your terms.

A life where to the best of your ability you can function, participate and make your valuable to contribution to our world. Where you can persue your dreams and fulfill your goals. Where you can be still and enjoy some peace of mind.

One step at a time this is where you’re now heading, believe it.

When it gets tough or you want to talk or share some good news, you can always post here. Myself and the community will be here for you.

Support lines aren’t for everyone, but they have the advantage of providing a real time professional response. The good people at the bb support line will take your call any time.

And I don’t know if you’ve yet come across Bravehearts in your journey, but the organisation could be useful to you. It’s an Australian child protection charity, solely dedicated to the prevention and treatment of child sexual abuse.

Bravehearts can offer additional support and referrals to you. If you need them, just call their support line on 1800 272 831.

Kind thoughts to you x

[geoff]

Hello Centaured, thanks for sharing your most unfortunate past and all what you have had to struggle with, sometimes we never know what actually happens to a person until they feel brave enough to open up to all of of us.

You have made many friends on the forum and hope you can still be our friend.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Centaured]

Thanks summer rose and Geoff. 

I would be lost without support of my friends here at BB and the support of the mods here and the counselors on the the support line. 

[Centaured]

I'm due to see my grandparents in two weeks, and as it's a family thing I don't know if my brother is going to be there. I'm really looking forward to my holiday to South Australia, but things have definitely escalated for me since I booked it a month ago. I hadn't admitted at the I booked it what my pop did to me and I'm only just realising that my escalation in unsafe behaviours correlates to this holiday and stuff. I can't cancel it and I do want to go, but tonight I feel scared and vulnerable and unsafe from myself. 

[Summer Rose]

Hi Centaured 

I am only reading your post this morning and feel quite badly that you didn’t get a response last night. Hugs to you.
I hope that you made it through the night safely. I’m sure you know that you can call the bb support line 24/7 for help and I would highly recommend it.
Are you okay? How do you feel today?

With regard to your trip, I’d like to suggest that you discuss this matter with your psychologist and/or members of your support team. If you’re going to go I think it would help to have a safety plan and a crisis plan in place for while you’re away. 

I’m speaking to you now as a mother (I’m no expert or professional) and the mother in me wants to protect you. So, my message is this: please carefully consider if you are ready for this trip.
There will be another family event  in the future and your travel could be rescheduled (eg Christmas or Easter). It is perfectly okay to put yourself first and only travel when you are truly ready. Healing from trauma takes time and you’re going to heal at your own pace. This means you only face your past when you are ready. And when you do this you have a carefully laid out plan to protect yourself.

Hang in there my friend.

Kind thoughts to you 

[Bob_22]

Hi Centaured,

I'm so sorry that you have felt things have escalated for you and that you are feeling unsafe. Please if you need to speak someone contact any one of the following services - all of which are 24/7 and provide online and telephone support (links below):

Beyond Blue 

Suicide Call Back Service  

Lifeline

Regarding your holiday, if I were in your shoes I would somewhat lean toward what Summer Rose is saying and consider whether I am prepared for such an undertaking. Of course this is something you should discuss with your psychologist about as well as considering the different factors on your own but please know that there is nothing wrong with withdrawing from a commitment if you feel unsafe or unprepared to do so.

If you aren't able to discuss with your psychologist or don't have an appointment beforehand, it may be worth contacting 1800respect or Blue Knot foundation. Both services offer counselling for those affected by family abuse/violence as well complex trauma. They also have some resources on their websites which might be helpful. Please keep us updated on how you are travelling. I hope that you can stay safe and feel supported both at home and here on the forums. Remember that you are not alone and that there is always support available. 💙