Can I get ever over high school?

[Algernon]

I was chatting with my PT today. We are about the same age, and we were talking about the challenges of bringing up our kids. 

I can't remember how we got there, but I started sharing some high school memories. 

It brought up so much.

Just before I started high school I was run over by a car. No one would believe me that I was hurt because I managed to get myself home. I was only 12 years old. 

My school had a cross-country run. I told my PE teachers that my leg hurt. I even pointed to the jagged red line across my shin. They made me run the race, and it was agony. A few years ago, I went to the doctor because my leg had flared up again. Turned out my leg had been broken in that hit-and-run.

I wish it that was the only negative experience, but it wasn't. In my second year of high school, the manual arts teacher laughed as the kids held me down and burned me with soldering irons.

The PE teachers were the worst. They encouraged the bullies to attack me in the playground and openly sided with them in class. I had accidentally cut my wrist with a chisel at home. Despite having a doctor's certificate, they made me play volleyball until the stitches burst and I bled.

I became very aggressive because I never knew where the next blow would come from.

It's taken me years to shed my rage. I think in retrospect, I had PTSD because I lived in fear for those years. 

I'm calmer now. Next year is a significant anniversary of leaving school. I want to shed my angst. I'm done. They suck, and I want to live.

I'm sending this into the void because sometimes you just need to say these things to get them out of you.

I apologise if I cause you distress in the accidental reading.

B 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Algernon,

I just wanted to re-iterate what Croix was trying to communicate, that although Blue Knot offer a redress scheme, they do much more than this including providing a general counselling service to those who have experienced trauma in childhood. That includes myself, and I have no intention of ever pursuing a redress scheme. I have called them when I just need some feelings of safety and stabilisation in relation to past trauma and they are quite good for they sort of thing.

[Eagle Ray]

Sorry I accidentally pressed reply before finishing. I wanted to say too I know how awful PE teachers can be. I saw it at my school. A friend of mine who had a medical issue with her knee was relentlessly bullied and singled out by the PE teacher. By sharing your story here you actually open up a conversation on a topic that is needed. So please don’t feel like it has gone to waste or that you are not valued and cared for here.

I’m so sorry for what you went through. It’s really traumatic and it’s understandable you feel so impacted. It is truly a process, trauma recovery. I find a lot of tenderness and care has to go into it and it can only move gradually. Being run over is truly awful. I’ve done some somatic trauma work that has been helpful for me and I’m happy to share about it if you think it may help. But in any case, take care and go gently,

ER

[therising]

Hi Algernon

When I read your post I couldn't help but think 'What the hell is wrong with people?!'. Who ignores a child's genuine pleas for compassion? Who ignores and even encourages a child's torture and sufferance? What kind of people side with abusers? When I hear people these days speak about how 'soft' current generations are, I also think 'What the hell?!'. Kids throughout history have always been able to feel or sense deeply, for their ability to sense is a part of their nature. They have always been able to sense or feel injustice, sufferance, degradation, neglect or a lack of support and so much more. Highly insensitive people, on the other hand, cannot sense anywhere near as much and you gotta seriously wonder about that. Why are they senseless to varying degrees? Why do they commit senseless acts or encourage senseless behaviour? Why can they not feel or sense the impact?

I think so much is about consciousness, consciousness regarding our ability to feel, consciousness in regard to the impact of words, awareness in how we think, how we let go of beliefs (so as to make space for more constructive ones) and the list goes on. While people may question 'What is my purpose in life?', I've heard it said before 'Our reason for being here is to wake up'. So, you have the non conscious people who are happy to remain asleep and kid themselves that their ways are 'the right ways' (ways that cause pain and suffering) and then you have those who do the hard work when it comes to waking up through their own suffering, through their revelations, through their challenging emotions and their strong desire for change and through self questioning. 

As you continue experiencing your lifelong ability to feel or sense, as you continue to become more and more conscious and as you continue to gradually rise or raise yourself above and beyond all that has threatened to keep you down, I hope you find the well deserved respect and compassion for that child in you who managed so much. While that child suffered, they were also incredible. 

I'm not sure if the following will help in any way but it was a revelation my sister hit on and shared with me just the other week. As a 55yo gal, I can't believe I've only just learned it. Better late than never. 'Those who treat us the worst know us the least'. To that I add, 'And if they could not care less in regard to coming to know us better (becoming more conscious), this can make them careless in their nature. Their carelessness is not our fault and never has been'. Btw, I've found that in sending things out into the void it makes space for a revelation to enter into. I hope your new revelation comes to you swiftly and is inspiring.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi again Algernon,

I just thought of you again this morning after I woke up. The somatic approach to trauma I have done is called Somatic Experiencing developed by Peter Levine. In one of his books, In an Unspoken Voice, he describes how he was hit by a car and how the initial first responder who arrived was aggressive and insensitive and pushed him deeper into trauma. But then a lovely lady who happened to be a paediatrician arrived who was very gentle and kind. She went with him to the hospital in the ambulance. He used it as an example of how safe, supportive co-regulation can calm the nervous system response and prevent trauma setting in. He describes the physiology of it and its core to his own work with trauma clients. There is a quote by him which is:

Trauma is not so much what happens to us, but what happens inside of us in the absence of an empathetic witness.

What you profoundly lacked was an empathetic witness and the support you really needed. What was done to you was utterly negligent and abusive. Peter works with people who’ve had similar past experiences to complete the responses that never happened but that the nervous system needed at the time. For example, in the above book he describes working with a woman who was in the World Trade Centre when it was hit in 2001. Through his work with her she was able to return to safe body memories from before the incident and begin to alleviate PTSD and restore goodness in her body.

So I just wanted to say the trauma from shocking incidents can shift. I have had similar shifts in my nervous system using the SE method, including being able to breathe properly again after an abusive attack I’d been through 18 months earlier. It is never too late to resolve the unresolved processes in your nervous system and that requires someone truly being a compassionate witness for you. Approaches like SE and Polyvagal Theory can be really helpful in understanding how your system can alleviate the trauma response. Something like Peter Levine’s books may be a starting point anyway. Finding a good practitioner is key as not all are as good at delivering somatic approaches, but there might be someone out there who you find could be a good fit for you. Most importantly, you need sensitivity and compassion.

Take care,

ER

[TrueSeeker]

Hello Algernon

I hope that once you feel ready, you'll find time to read all posts as it can help to find your way out of it. I'm really sorry about what happened to you, it's horrible and never should've happen as it's really wrong. I can see how hard it is for you to deal with it. We all have a bit different way to deal with things and are in different stages of dealing with it. All I can do is to share my approach, views and strategies and maybe some of it will help.

I think that most of us lock away unpleasant memories as it's really hard and emotional to face them. We do our best to not think about them and when they come up, we get upset not only about the events but also about the fact that we still have to face the memories. As much as it can work in short term, it's not a very good long term strategy. As you experienced it yourself, those memories can get triggered and release a flood of emotions that are not only related to the events but also to our frustration of dealing with the memories. We slowly keep adding more and more emotions to already emotional experiences.

As much as it's very hard to do, we need to find a way how to make peace with our memories to discharge all the emotionality and accept those memories as we do need to learn to live with them. They will still come up but it's not going to be very upsetting as it's all in the past, it's not happening any more, the society learnt it's lessons and things are much better now.

What worked for me is to learn how to relax and keep calm whatever my mind throws at me. I did a lot of walking or any gentle physical activity and learning how to focus on the present, on the peaceful surroundings around me, life is much better now and I do have a place where everything is peaceful and I'm safe.

Once I learnt how to stay calm, I started facing the upsetting memories while trying to not overreacting to them.  I started with the less emotional ones and slowly as I got better at it, started facing more and more memories replacing the emotionality with a calmer view on things. It does take some time but with experience it can get easier and easier and eventually when those memories come up, it's not as upsetting and it's just a glimpse from the past that is long gone.

I really hope that all this helped at least tiny bit as I can see how hard all this is for you and you do deserve to live peaceful life without your past interring. Please let us know how you're going whenever you feel like it