C-PTSD / PTSD Establishment of a long term relationship with father who molested me for a decade.

Bear1922 · ‎07-09-2019

I’m interested in hearing anyone’s story of establishing a long term relationship with the person who sexually abused you.

A renewed relationship with my own , Father, lasted for a protracted period of time (years).

I made a well-intended yet inevitably doomed relationship with my sexual abuser. His impending death from cancer, heart issues & MND caused me a great deal of cognitive dissonance. I felt really sad for my father - the child molester.

That happened earlier this year. Fast forward to now the relationship is terminated.

My C-PTSD has emerged again after 27 years. The flashbacks, anxiety, OCD & depression have marred my year. The memories of the purely evil sexual abuse inflicted on me from the ages of 2 - 12 by my father have been devastating and crazy-making.

I'll be very interested to hear from other victims of childhood sexual abuse who have established a relationship with their abuser.

Warm Regards,

🐻

paddyanne · ‎08-09-2019

Hi Bear 1922. Welcome to our forums, I hope we can help alleviate some of your past trauma. I was also molested by a family member. My abuse began from the age of 8 and continued till I was 14. My abuser was my sibling. I never refer to him as anything other than sibling. He left home when I was 15, the abuse had ceased by then, but his violent attitude toward me was apparent, even though he never actually physically touched me, I was always afraid. Was your mother aware of your father's abuse, mine was, but decided to turn a blind eye, deaf ear etc. Fast forward some 20t years. He left N.Z I was safe. I eventually came to Oz after my marriage disintegrated. I re-married, found my sibling and tried to build a relationship. He never attempted to hurt me, but I never felt completely safe. I too suffer PTSD as a result of the abuse. Eventually I decided to distance myself from him as his behavioral pattern suggested underlying violence (he had been incarcerated multiple times, but showed no sign of rehabilitation). The incarceration was not as a result of sexual abuse, rather receiving stolen goods. Trying to build a relationship with someone who repeatedly abused you, means you have to forget the past and almost pretend it didn't happen. The PTSD you have indicates this may not be possible. I'm sorry your father is dying, (or has perhaps since passed), but you need to accept he will never change nor admit to the assault (if he never acknowledged it before, he won't now). Each time you are with him, this abuse is with you because it was never addressed and he never faced punishment. I have actually forgiven my abuser, but I had to 'divorce' him from the action in order to forgive him. To divorce an action, you have to see the act from the perspective of an observer not a victim. Not easy, but possible. Try to see your dad as a stranger who also happens to be a pedophile. Pedophiles usually are unable to cease their behavior, to them, violent sexual abuse is normal, maybe because they, themselves either witnessed or were victims. It's possible your dad may have been a victim and grew up believing he was at fault. Once you can accept the pedophile he is (was, if he has passed), then you can divorce him from the act and possibly forgive the man. You will never forget what he did, but you may eventually forgive the man. I forgave my sibling, but I will never forget his act. I hope this has helped.

paddyanne · ‎08-09-2019

On a footnote: I never re-established a relationship because I chose not to. We all have the right to choose our paths. My choice was to maintain the distance

Bear1922 · ‎10-09-2019

Hi, paddyanne, thank you for your thoughts.

I will answer back shortly.

Warm Regards,

🐻

Bear1922 · ‎10-09-2019

Hi ,paddyanne,

I must thank you for your well constructed, thoughtful response.

Mum, never knew of the abuse & we are close. She is my greatest support.

Father, is still alive. I am indifferent to his impending demise.

I've terminated the relationship - upon my psychologist's prompting & my recognition that I needed to remove this toxic person from my life.

You are right - seeing him just perpetuated the abuse for me.

Curiously, I forgave him years before seeking a relationship with him.

The majority of sexual abusers claim they were victims themselves to garner sympathy nothing more.

Longitudinal studies show that a third of sexual abusers can be rehabilitated using a feminist model. I personally found this quite interesting. I had to suspend my disbelief when faced with the data.

Thanks again paddyanne.

Warm Regards,

🐻