The long road to recovery

[the_real_you]

After 30 years I found myself in the invidious position of having no choice but to admit to my wife that I was sexually abused as a child and I have to say that everything I dreaded about that moment in regards to her reaction turned out to be completely false and nothing more than my own unrealistic and irrational fears as she was amazingly understanding and supportive. My wife is a psychologist and inadvertently forced my hand in the issue as she became convinced that I was no longer attracted to her due to the fact that she had gained a some weight when in fact it was my aversion towards intimacy that was the cause of this and even though I had never spoken to anyone about this, at least no one who believed me, I knew that I could not lose the love of my life over this and began a very difficult conversation with her that was highly emotional but also very liberating for us both.
There is no profit in going into the details of the abuse itself but I will say that it was of the most severe kind and carried out over the course of several years, though intermittently as I was fortunate enough to not live in the same house as my abuser. At the time that it occurred I attempted to tell a teacher at school and also the librarian both of whom I believed would help me and the reason I believed this is because I had been removed from my home on several occasions due to unrelated physical abuse from a violent step father, however, their reaction to this information was to ignore it altogether which as a young child left me with the belief that this was something I was not supposed to be talking about and so I never spoke about it again. By the time I was old enough to realise that this was not the case I had pushed the experience so far down into the deepest recesses of my memory that I did not wish to dredge it up and as I had moved far away from my abuser and he was no longer a threat I felt it best to say nothing thinking that I could pretend that it never happened.
Another reason that I remained silent was that I had often heard the theory that the abused go on to become abusers and I was scared that if I admitted what had happened that I would be seen as a potential predator myself and this further added weight to my decision to remain quiet.
There is more to my story and the long shadow that abuse has cast over my adult life but I do not have the room for it in this post but I will continue to post in the hope that my story may help others.

[PamelaR]

Hi the_real_you

Welcome to our forums and thank you so much for your very informative post.

It is pleasing to hear that you received the support and care you needed from your wife. I also understand why it took you so long after your experience as a child and being ignored by your teacher and librarian about your sexual abuse. Those types of experiences leave a lasting memory.

My heart is warmed that you've been able to move on since disclosing, to be able to share here to help others.

I understand when you say it's no good to go into the abuse. It doesn't really help. For me it's always in how my body, mind and soul have retained the pain of my experiences. Letting go of the pain is painful in itself, but incredibly liberating and empowering. There are still times now when I find a smidgen of pain caught up that I have to release. Sometimes it seems to come from nowhere however, as I look deeper it has it's roots in the traumas I've experienced.

Thank you once again for sharing your story! It's good to have caring and supportive people here.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Croix]

Dear The_real_you~

I'd like to join PamelaR in welcoming you here and thanking you for your post. It is an inspiration. Not only with abuse but other matters too people honestly believe silence is the only way, which is not necessarily true. To hear in your case talk and honesty worked well is great. I have the feeling you were motivated by love and compassion to reveal your past - a wonderful thing.

I felt the same about suicidal matters, but after eventually telling my partner I started on the road to my present pretty good life. Talk and honesty was my key too.

One thing you said I'd like to comment on:

Another reason that I remained silent was that I had often heard the theory that the abused go on to become abusers

I was not abused in a sexual sense but had an unhappy childhood due to the actions of my parents, culminated in my being driven from the family. This worked in reverse, I had an example of what not to do, and believe when I became a parent the experience allowed me to avoid conducting the same harsh loveless behavior my own parents used.

My point is that upbringing, experiences and circumstances do not always make a person repeat the same conduct, despite it having a profound effect on them. Instead sometimes it can provide wisdom and understanding.

Thank you

Croix

[CKS]

Your story is beautiful. Such courage. My child abuse was not sexual, thank goodness. But the nevertheless it has impacted on every aspect of my life. I have been developing some visualisation techniques of recent. One involves the inner child.I believe that working with the concept of the inner child is very rewarding and improves one's self-esteem immensely. What are your thoughts?

[CKS]

Hi again the real you

I hope you don't mind me asking. Throughout your life have you had anger issues and/or become addicted to anything?

Thank you

[the_real_you]

Your question is very pertinent as my life spiralled completely out of control on my late teens in a big way. I was going to include my whole story in that initial post but the character count prevented me from writing more. I will add to that post soon and explain the entire situation because it got really really bad before it came good again.

[the_real_you]

Thank you for your kind words of support it really means a lot. I will add the rest of my story to this thread soon, thanks again.

[the_real_you]

First of all I’d like to say thank you to you for your kind words and support and secondly, I agree with your sentiments exactly. My parents sure didn’t teach me the right thing to do but they pretty well covered everything not to do and that, and that in and of itself, is educational.

[Croix]

Dear The_real_you~

I'm just checking in with you to see if all was OK, or if you were trying to put down more about your life, but finding it difficult to start.

You did say things improved after they went wrong, so that is encouraging, probably for other readers as well as just us here.

Your words 'the love of my life' are so close to my feelings about my partner, I think no matter what the past - or my own shortcomings for that matter - I'm blessed

Rest assured you are among friends, ones who will not judge but simply understand

Croix