Bushfire trauma being bought up again

[PBelle]

So I know this may be hard for people as well, but I just need to talk. So christmas/new year, I was with my parents and brother at the holiday home in the Snowy Mountains. My dad said to leave my car at home in Sydney and we will all travel in one car. So we did, then the bushfires started, New Years Eve and New Years Day we were on emergency ember attack alert. Jan 2, after hearing that the fires were coming and knowing that my parents had to drive me over to canberra to pick up the CountryLink back to Sydney in a couple of days time, I made the decision to leave on. The last bus out. My parents and brother stayed behind. At the time, my parents were saying that it was like I was running scared, but I just had this feeling that they might not get back after taking me the 200kms one way to meet the train. So staying at a friends house for 2 days until my train back to Sydney, I was there while the firestorm hit the town, reports were coming in that places were lost, the town was surrounded by fire and everyone had been evaluated to the safest spot. I have never been so scared in my life. My parents were obviously traumatised by the incident, but I felt that they didn’t understand that I was deeply traumatised too. I felt so guilty for leaving. I should have stayed.
all was fine until today when they said about regional travel again and my parents said that if safe we will go down for the longweekend next month. I haven’t been back since fleeing from the fires and now all that trauma of feeling guilty about leaving and being selfish that I left have just come back up and I just feel so down and can’t stop crying. I can see that I am still traumatised and still wish that I had stayed. Will the guilt of leaving my parents behind while I selfishly left cause I knew I had to go back to work ever go away?

[smallwolf]

hi PBelle.

Sad to read about what you and your family had to the go through with bush fires. It sounds like you have chatted with your parents about what happened. Is that correct?

Is it a case that you feel "others" believe you should not feel traumatised?

Trauma effects people in different ways. Something distressing happened. At the time you had your reasons for leaving. Your reaction and feelings are just as valid as another persons. And listened to, to allow you to talk about how you feel as a way of healing or moving forward.

You mentioned feeling guilty and selfish for leaving. The question I ask myself in relation to negative things is what would have happened if I chose a different path? And my only honest answer is that I don't really know what would happened.

On "should" .. I noticed you said that feel that you "should have stayed". For me, when I use should in generally in a negative sense. I should have done ... I still struggle with this and my psych told (?) me to use "wish". I wish I could have stayed with my parent and I had to ...

I am here and listening.

Tim