I’m reaching out in desperation to just tell my story, as it’s a very lonely situation I’ve been thrown into. I recently caught my husband watching porn & to my shock he confessed to having an addiction to it. He said it started around Covid time & has been looking at it 1-2 times a week ever since. Naturally I was horrified & disgusted & felt like I didn’t even know who this man was I’ve been married to for the last 21 years. My shock led to anger & then disbelief & disgust. He explained how it had nothing to do with me & he has never stopped loving me. He disassociated it from us as a couple & blocked it out, but lived with the guilt & shame telling himself he’d be able to stop it on his own. The obvious signs of his addiction now looking back was the lack of intimacy we had. He also suffers with erectile dysfunction, which is a text book symptom of the addiction.
On the night I found him looking at it he thought I’d gone to take a shower, but I was out watering pot plants on our patio when I saw him through the window. It’s an image I’ll never be able to erase from my mind. I immediately confronted him & he quickly shut the laptop & made some comment thinking I hadn’t caught him. It was literally the worst moment of our lives. He has been very ashamed & remorseful ever since. He explains it was only looked at through boredom & frustration with not being able to work as a musician thru Covid. My job allowed me to still operate as a retailer, so he had a lot of time to himself in his studio. It became his coping mechanism, according to what I’ve read & podcasts I’ve listened to. I’ve made him read & listen to these articles too. It’s said to be as addictive if not more than cocaine, so it’s highly toxic & dangerous. It’s the dopamine hit that hooks the brain & over time it drives the user to want more & usually with more intensity. Though he says it didn’t really get anymore intense, only the need to watch it more increased. It would only take a trigger like seeing a sexy girl on socials to take him to more images & then he admitted to looking at it for up to an hour. You can imagine my anger!
It’s the most horrible time for us, but I’ve since found an online therapist to help him. It’s such a relief for him & for me too. He can finally break free from this unhealthy cycle once & for all. We also have an alert system in place in case he relapses, so I’ll be aware of it straight away. Thank you for reading my story xx
