An ‘insignificant’ trauma is causing me great pain 12 years on

[Jayla]

I am not even sure whether I should be posting this here as I am not sure it counts as ‘trauma - I feel my experience was so long ago and so ‘small’ that it does not belong.
lately, I’ve been experiencing waves of sadness or panic as I think back to an experience 12 years ago when I was 12 years old.
I was watching the show ‘Sex Education’ this evening and the show deals with assault in a way I have not seen on screen. The character does not think her experience is ‘serious’ or really enough’ to be an issue.
I’m now crying, and so overwhelmed thinking of an experience when I was 12 years old and along in the city before sunrise.
I always assumed my experience did not matter as I was not physically assaulted, but I experienced such extreme fear after being crowded by a group of older men who threatened me in graphic ways.
I’m not sure how reasonable and rational it is that I still cry about this now, but it really seems to have stunted my sexual development and trust of men. I need some help to understand and move past this.
I am so sorry if this is triggering for anyone.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Jayla, 

Welcome and thank you for sharing your story. We are so sorry to hear that you had this experience as a child. We think you are such a strong person - we understand that this experience would have been very traumatic. We are really grateful that you had the courage to reach out to the forums this evening as we know this can be difficult to do for the first time. We can hear that this experience has had a big impact on your life. We would urge you to contact 1800RESPECT. They offer confidential information, counselling and support 24/7 for people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice to support to women who have been through trauma like this. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or https://www.1800respect.org.au/
We would recommend that you do seek professional support to talk through this experience. If you are not sure of how to access mental health support, you are also welcome to contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport
  We hope that you can find some comfort in the forums. Feel free to keep us updated here on your thread throughout your journey.

[GimZim]

Hey Jayla

Not a word of this sounds insignificant and I think it's really important you're beginning to think about this situation and recognise those feelings in yourself. If you're panicking from remembering it, it must be significant. Your pain is 100% real. You were terrorised by a group of men while you were a child.

I'm sure if you read about this happening to someone else or saw it happening to someone you'd think it was terrifying. It can be really hard to do this for yourself because ignoring it or pushing it down and minimising has been your way of "dealing with it" so far. But that's why it's important to do it.

I always think of mental health being like physical health: if a doctor touches your ribs and you feel pain, it's because you're injured. If this memory hurts you, it's the same.

Thanks for opening up.

[Jayla]

Wow, thank you so much Sophie_M and GimZim. When this happened, I felt so ashamed and confused I didn't tell anyone for months. I finally told my mum one night to see if she could help me understand what some of the words the men used meant. I cried and she was comforting, but took the "you weren't hurt, it's all okay" approach. I understand she was trying to be comforting and helpful, but ever sine I have thought "even my mum thinks this is no big deal." Your responses are the first time I have felt like my experience has been validated. That makes it both better and worse. I cannot understand why I think about it so much, especially lately. It's like I didn't think about it for years, and now it's really upsetting to me.

I often find myself trying to convince myself I have repressed memories, as if I need a 'worse experience' to justify feeling this way. So hearing the experience be validated helps me to stop invent and unintentionally exaggerate.

I reached out to my psychiatrist today to try and organise an appointment, but she has been managing another specialist issue for the past three years and I'm not sure I could talk about this with her as well. I will contact 1800respect - I thought about this yesterday but did not think my experience (for lack of better word) qualified for their services.

Is there any way of telling why this is such an emotional memory for me all of a sudden after years of not consciously recalling the actual event?

[Guest_1643]

Hello there -

Your experience definitely does qualify for their services.

earlier this year i called them and discussed some abuse in my childhood

i was so open to learn from them - they are experts in this field, and they helped me undrstand the mechanics of abuse, and trauma. it has been helpful for me ever since, that knowledge and greater undrstanding. I just wanted to offer reassurance that it's okay to seek help for an event from the past

[Jayla]

Thank you so much. I’ve woken up today feeling fine though and back to thinking I overreacted and should just get over it. I feel ashamed that I am so worked up about it. But I do feel it is the reason I am so stuck in my sexual development. I worry I will never have the self confidence or trust to be romantic or intimate

[layani]

Hi Jayla, I wanted to write to you and share my own experience as it is very similar to your own, and I hope maybe you can take comfort and know you are not alone.

6 years ago I was sexually assaulted - but I never verbally said 'NO' and when some light shone on his face and i realised it wasnt the person i thought it was i freaked out and told him to stop.. and he did, he even said sorry. When I went home and told my mum what happened, she just said 'oh hunny, its a horrible feeling isnt it?' and we never spoke of it again. Due to her lack of anger at him and emotional response and because he said sorry - even though i knew deep down he knew exactly what he was doing, and it was premeditated - I believed that what had happened to me wasnt classified as assault, or trauma, that i was mistaken, that it wasnt a big deal. I barely gave it a thought for the next 5 years. Around 1.5 years ago I was watching a video on sexual assault survivors and i just collapsed and was sobbing, it was like this deep well of pain and emotion suddenly gavrle way and I had no idea why or how, after so long, after it being nothing, how could this insignificant thing that happened to me cause me so much pain? I waited for the pain to go away but one week went by then two then three.. I was having bad anxiety, insomnia, nightmares, hypervigilance, paranoia and just felt so overwhelmingly sad over the experience, I could not stop reliving it in my head. I started talking to my bestfriend who has experienced severe childhood and severe adult sexual trauma, about how I felt so stupid and so guilty at my pain because it wasnt 'real' trauma. She explained to me that there isnt necessarily a threshold for what constitutes trauma, people have varying levels pf emotional strength i suppose due to their past experiences, what may be a minor event to some can be devastating for others, she helped me begin the path of validating what had happened to me so I could heal. I started seeing a therapist who explained to me that just because it wasnt the 'textbook assault' doesnt mean it didnt traumatise me, and I believe the same goes with you. She told me you can become traumatized in any situation where you felt in danger, violated and like you were not in control of the situation, it doesnt have to be violent or brutal or horrific. One thing that really helped me was looking into the science of trauma - this helped me see the logical and scientific side to the reactions and symptoms i was experiencing as a result of what happened to me, it helped me validate ans realise that what i was experiencing wasnt made up, it was real, tangible, scientific symptoms of a traumatic experience.

In regards to why now? well for me, I think it took so long for the emotion to come to the surface because of how i inherently viewed the incident, I think had my mums reaction been different or had he not said sorry and stopped - I may not have locked it away for 5 years, maybe I would not have thought that it was nothing. Or maybe i was just never ready to deal with it because it was too painful, the mind has a funny way of protecting itself from painful feelings - but they come to the surface sooner or later, and it sounds like for you, something which resonated with that experience triggered those floodgates as something did mine.

I want you to know that what you went through, especially at such a young age, would ABSOLUTELY be traumatizing and terrifying. Youre feelings and emotions are absolutely valid, and i know its hard to believe that sometimes, but keep trying. I defintiely would suggest getting in touch with a therapist, therapy really helped me validate and unpack my experience, and it is still a work in progress.
I know its so hard when things this intense come up suddenly, but it is also a beautiful chance to heal and move forward. All the best with your journey of healing.

It is hard, but so very rewarding. Much love 🖤

[GimZim]

@jayla

When I was 12 I was walking home from a friends house, in broad daylight. I heard a car horn but kept walking as I assumed it was at someone else. The driver of the van got out, yelled abuse at me.. I don't even one hundred percent remember if I turned while he was walking behind me or if he grabbed me and turned me towards him. Either way, he got back in his van and drove away. That scared me so much at the time that I started dressing completely differently, no shorts, skirts, short sleeves, etc. I even started buying clothes in the mens section, everything oversized.

I'm sure reading this you feel compassion towards me, please try and apply that to yourself. I didn't deserve it and neither did you. It traumatised me and it traumatised you. If you believe it's harmed your sexual development I'm sure it has and feeling confident, worthy, safe, sexual, being able to choose to be vulnerable with another, all of that, is something you deserve in the same way we all do. It's something other professionals can definitely help you with if that's something you'd like to explore.

@layani

This is so similar to my own sexual assault. I told the guy no over and over, made excuses, etc. but I felt so physically threatened that when no didn't work I just locked up. After a while I blurted out "Stop!" and he did. I struggled for years thinking it was my fault because hey, he stopped! I should have told him sooner! He should have listened to no but why didn't I tell him to stop? It always hurt me but it came to ahead when I saw a man who looked just like him (he was very distinct looking and not someone you come across every day, he was very tall, blond curly hair, and so on) and I completely lost it.

Trauma is so difficult, I think there's a tendency to minimise our experiences to protect ourselves. If it wasn't a big deal then we don't need to address it or worry about it, we can just bury it deep inside. But it always ends up coming back, sometimes years on.

My heart goes out to both of you, take care.

[Guest_1643]

Hi GimZim

I empathise with what you went through. The trauma sounds difficult, to feel scared of people who resemble the abuser. Thank you for sharing this, to help us all understand the effects of childhood events. Did you find a way to discuss this event with others, or professionally? I wander if having someone hear and believe can help the healing process.

Thank you for sharing. Just letting you know I read your post and cared about your story and your life. Hope to hear from you again!

[Guest_1643]

Hey Jayla

How are you?
I just wanted to give you encouragement and support. I know that feeling so well, of feeling like my problems aren't big enough to get help. And then taking a step to get help, and chastising myself for imagining things. Actually, when I got help I would say for the first two months I thought I was a "fraud" and wasting the time and energy of the clinicians, because I wasn't really sick and didn't need help.

If you feel scared, hurt, or upset, you have a human right to seek help. I really believe you are not dramatising anything and you matter. We all have a right to ask for help. Please include yourself in this! I feel for you and care about what you've written. Keep well