Am I over it? Or have I suppressed it? C-PTSD help - trigger warning.

[fillepetale]

New member, this is my first post. I'm not sure how to gather all my thoughts around this so please bare with me, this may be a lengthy post.

I'm a 24/y F. I have been diagnosed with C-PTSD, however I am apprehensive.

From the age of 3-7 my father suffered through cancer and eventually died. I can't remember any of those years, I think I was too young. Since then I have experienced a long-term emotionally abusive relationship, and I have been raped. Most recently my housemate's passed away. I was home but I did not find him, and did not see his whole body. I was witness to the smell which stayed in the house for a long time. I was interviewed by police and had the misfortune of informing his friends of his death.

My psychiatrist has deemed the death of my father and the change in family dynamic as a child, alongside other traumatic events, enough to diagnose me with C-PTSD. While on paper I appreciate that this may be true, I feel as though maybe I wasn't truely traumatised by any of these events?

I have had moments of dissociation, depression, extreme anxiety and fear, but rarely and very few flashbacks, and I feel like my diagnosis of C-PTSD isn't valid because of the way my traumas have manifested?? I don't remember being raped as such, I remember seconds before and some moments after while being interviewed by police. But I don't remember the act of assault, which makes me question whether it was really that bad? I have no memory of my fathers death, barely any memory of the funeral, and no memories afterward until about the age of 9. Was it really that bad? Could it be impacting me now if I can't even remember?

I barely remember the incident with my housemate, but I know that it impacted me emotionally for a while afterward. It was not a personal loss, I didn't find the body. I don't think that what I experienced was enough to traumatise me.

Last night in a cab ride home, I was overwhelmed with the thought that I was about to be raped and killed, I had a panic attack and cried for an hour after I got home. I know this isn't normal behaviour. But I don't know what to do about it? If I choose to explore my traumas with my treatment team, do I run the risk of resurfacing memories and being traumatised again? Maybe it's better off that they stay forgotten.

I need some advice.

[Amy_J]

Hi fillepetale,

I am currently 28yo, and was officially diagnosed with PTSD when I was 18. My mother died of cancer when I was 12.

I remember being at high school and having crushing pains in my chest and being unable to breath. I was taken to a doctor immediately by my father and was told that it was anxiety attack due to my mother’s death. I got extremely defensive of this diagnosis as I didn’t see any connection between the two events. None of it made sense. I, myself, wasn’t consciously thinking about my mother when I had the episode.

I had blocked out so much of the experience of watching my mother die that it didn’t make sense to me that it could be triggering all of these emotions.

When I was 18yo, things had progressively gotten worse, so I saw a psychologist who told me that i had been compartmentalising my life so that I could cope. They told me that I had PTSD. I saw them for quite a while and went through a few different methods where memories were brought back up that were absolutely horrible to witness again. But I also was able to remember nice things from my childhood that I couldn’t before. Memories of my mother that I am so very grateful to have been able to retrieve.

Everyone’s experiences are going to be different with therapy. It won’t be easy, but there is always hope that something may come from it. Something that might help you make sense of your feelings.

I hope that some of this might help you find an answer..

A

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi fillepetale,

Welcome to the forums. I'm really sorry to hear about what you've gone through and reading it sounds like it was a pretty difficult experience, diagnosis or not. I'll do my best to try and answer your questions even though I feel like maybe this is something you should be asking your psychiatrist.

PTSD and C-PTSD is such a super complicated condition and diagnosis. Some people may remember everything so vividly, others may remember nothing, or others, like yourself - may only remember parts. In a sense it doesn't matter how much you remember because it can all be traumatic. My guess is that if you only remember parts - it's because your mind didn't want you to remember the rest and blocked it out.

When deciding if something is 'really that bad', it depends on whether it affected you. For some people, being raped alone could be enough to be traumatic, let alone all of the events you've experienced. There is no scale of being 'that bad' to justify trauma.

If you do go to see a therapist, there is always a possibility that memories may resurface. But there's also a possibility that they won't. But, if you were to avoid going to a therapist, there is every possibility that the panic attack could happen again. There's also a possibility that the memories may resurface anyway, even if you were to avoid ever talking about them.

I hope this helps,

[fillepetale]

Hi Amy,

Thanks so much for your reply. I think a big part of me was asking "Is there any point?" and you definitely answered that question for me.

[fillepetale]

Hi romantic_thi3f, thanks so much for your reply.

I'm no longer seeing the psychiatrist that diagnosed me with C-PTSD, however I am in the process of getting a referral for a new one and will hopefully be comfortable to talk with them about it.

I guess I felt like a fraud because while these experiences have impacted me negatively and lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms like alcohol abuse and an eating disorder, I'm still relatively high functioning and - surely - if what happened to me was that bad, I wouldn't be able to work or study? Or maintain relationships? And the fact that I am able to do those things probably means that I'm fine and I don't need/won't benefit from professional help. What if I do seek help from this new psychiatrist and they tell me "don't worry about it, you're fine"...? I don't understand what therapy for trauma looks like, or how it will impact me. I guess these are all things I need to find out through experience, but fear of the unknown has held me back.

Sorry for rambling, I'm just a bit lost.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi fillepetale,

That's no worries at all, you can always ask questions!

Trauma looks very different in different people - and no two people who have experienced the same thing will cope the same way. You can put 100 people who have gone through a situation, and they'll all react so differently - some might be able to work, others might not, some might cope well, others might not - everyone's a bit different. But it still doesn't change the initial trauma. It's still a terrible thing to happen.

It is a credit to you for being high functioning and finding ways to cope, even if maybe those ways aren't so healthy - this is definitely something a therapist can work with you on. Sometimes people see therapists to help them out with general stress, so there's never a problem too big or too small to bring to them. At the end of the day it depends what you'd like to get out of therapy as to what you work on and how intense it can be.

[Amy_J]

Hi fillepetale,

You are welcome.

I understand what you are saying about feeling like a fraud.. that you don’t really need to see a psych. That you are functioning fine so you don’t see the point.

People around wouldn’t have a clue that I have had negative experiences in my life. I hold myself well, and have always been in high position jobs managing large numbers of staff. Always managing and helping others, but forgetting about myself. Working myself down to the bone without even realising.

Something else to think about is that when you see a new psych, it doesn’t mean that you have to continue seeing them. If it doesn’t feel right and you aren’t achieving anything that you find worthwhile, then you can change to someone else. But I think you have already found this out seeing as you have already sought out another one. That is really big for you to have made that decision.

You can ramble on here as much as you want! It’s good to be able to discuss your feelings and get other opinions on things. Sometimes it’s just nice to be able to voice these sorts of thoughts just to get them out of your own mind