Ageing women value

Goldenribbon · ‎18-12-2019

I’m hoping I won’t offend anyone with my post ad I realise what I’m thinking is a product of my experiences and thoughts but I’m really having trouble or getting past themsince a very young age perhaps 9,10 I recall older men being inappropriate towards me . A man exposing himself , many many inappropriate comments , leering , sometimes ‘accidental touching , then at 11 sexual ‘relations’ from a 17 yr old boy That went on for a year or so . I’ve never known what to make of it as he wasn’t technically an adult . I have raised it with a couple of counsellors but both were reluctant to say much . I’m extremely angry and tearful when I think of it and ashamed . I went completely off the rails and into abusive relationships from there

anyway , my issue is I have zero trust in men and a huge obstacle believing I could ever have a real relationship , even though that’s what I truly want , because I believe deep down all men truly care about and want is youth. All my examples in life have confirmed this in both my personal experience and friends around me . I hate porn as In my mind it confirms mens obsession with youth and beauty with older women being relegated to a fetish .My closest friends tell me that men on dating sites their age block women their own age even though they say they don’t want children in their profile and I read that men’s optimal age for a partner for their entire life is 22 even through women prefer men within a few years of their own age . Apparently that survey was taken from over 200k people so it’s not small

I look around me for some examples to try and give me opposing views and think ok I’ve found a man standing by his wife then I find out he left for a 21 yr old ....I just feel women are only valued for youth and looks and so discarded and that any of a relationship of you didn’t get it right in your youth is decreased for a woman just because she losses the thing men value most .
I feel like I’m permanently damaged . I mean if I can’t be through these thoughts by this age . Everyone else is living in the same world as me and either doesn’t see these things or isn’t bothered by them so there’s clearly something very wrong with me and I don’t seem to get anywhere talking to therapist . In another thread a psychologist was suggested but I’m apprehensive as my experience is no one wants to hear this ... o guess I’m venting and wondering if anyone has ever felt this

Goldenribbon · ‎23-12-2019

Hi the rising , Thankyou for your response . I really liked what you had to say . Im not one for religion however I spend a lot of time think about spiritual matters and yet I end up really sad and feeling that I’m alone in this and there would be no men who felt similar about life ageing and relationships . I hadn’t really given a lot of consideration to the possibility that maybe there are some that think about life in a similar way so that’s a new way of looking at things .

Goldenribbon · ‎23-12-2019

Yes CS what you’re saying is what I’m feelings . The exact same woman inside ( if anything more experienced more empathetic than when younger) and yet treated as half a person by men . The ONLY variable being age.
meanwhile seeing men getting glorified for their maturity , called silver foxes , held up as more and more successful and desirable with each passing year . All because they are not measure by their peers purely on youth and appearance . They are measured on life experiences, maturity , knowledge , stability , even grey hairs and the lines of wisdom on the face .....the things that naturally tend to come with age

meanwhile every second women are srutinised and shamed for looking older . Traded in because what they offer is not valued

dong get me wrong . I don’t envy the yoh g women a whole lot either . They are used up as a commodity very quickly and spat out . And you’re right , ageing is non negotiatabke , the 21 yr old will age and likely she will experience men not wanting to see it ..... another 21 yr old is around the corner . It doesn’t make me happy to know that she too will experience this . This is what makes me so sad ... not only hoW I personally feel this but the very cycle of discarding women, the lesser value placed on ageing women by men and society

Goldenribbon · ‎23-12-2019

Hi again the rising I wanted to add that I’m not sure how much of this is the whole mid life crisis thing you mention , although I’m sure there’s an element of that in there with the aging things . However I’ve felt this anger over the treatment of women since even my own youth when I felt I was being targeted in that very way myself purely because of physical attractive and my age . There’s a lot more I didn’t put in my original post where I experienced situation that I don’t feel able to write about but I can say this is something I’ve felt very emotional about most of my life , well since puberty . I’ve tried on many occasions to raise it with counsellors or even close relatives but no one seems comfortable talking about it . Men always seem to say to me oh yes most men are like that but ‘ not me I’m different ‘ and women would say ‘ yes but that’s how men are , they are more visual you just have to accept it ‘ or the whole biology argument etc etc . It always felt like some hidden secret . Often women would say they had similar experiences but they brushed them off then Occasional , very occasionally women would open up a little and say the felt similar things but it almost felt like a survival thing to not talk about it .
so yes mid life is the catalyst for it coming into focus I think and for me voicing it rather than the instigator of these feelings if that makes sense

calmseeker · ‎23-12-2019

Hi GR,

My heart goes out to you that you are struggling with this, it must be a horrible place to be and my reply to you was to let you know that your concerns are understood but also to let you know that there are men out there that really do not think that way. I know because I am now partnered with one, and he is ten years younger than me, so if there was ever going to be a test of trust regarding this issue, this is it! My partner restored my faith in guys he really did. I know there are more like him out there. I choose not to give any value to men who think like my ex.

Would it be ok to suggest some counselling on this issue for you (if you already haven't done so) , maybe talking it through with a trained therapist may help you to restore your trust? Also, if you can possibly let your mind replace the thoughts of the injustice of it all with thoughts of "gee, some men who think this way really need to learn some more about women" and "I feel sorry for people who think that way", it might allow you to rise above the despair.

Also, its interesting to note that men have there own value issues in this day and age. Poor men, some guys are too scared to open a door for women these days or pay for the dinner date in case they are crossing the line and will be seen as misogynist. Lots of men are confused about what a male role is in this society. I read something the other day about a 'man free' day in Sydney in the workplace. I cant quite remember the details but it struck me that women would be super offended and it would make news headlines if it were the other way around and it was a female free day in the workplace! So I think there are lots of men who feel under valued too these days.

You sound like a very intelligent person with a lovely heart and you deserve to feel valued. Sounds like your experiences have caused you some trauma and I hope this can be rectified for you.

Sending you calm vibes

CS

Valar_Morghulis · ‎23-12-2019

Hi Goldenribbon,

I'm really sorry to hear you having a bad time. You have to understand its not just you. You are not alone in this.
I have been in the same situation as you. One difference is that I had zero trust in everyone. Not just men. Both men and women. I felt its not about gender. It's about how a living being treats another living being.
So I started hating everything around me.
I had childhood traumas and bad experiences as well. And it is still inside me.
But I have to admit there are people out there so supportive and kind. So there are male friends who were being supportive when I shared about my experiences.
And I'm suggesting you to talk this to your therapist.Its something most of the women have faced. Even therapists are so different. So you have to find the right one for you. I know its not an easy task. But I'm talking from my experience. Every people we talk to won't welcome us in the same way.
But you know what you are going through and you deserve to be heard and get healed.
Hoping you will have better day!
When I started sharing to my friends it wasn't easy for me either. I got different kind of responses. Some told me I'm overreacting. Some told I'm asking for more attention. But some were supportive.
And I started being vigilant on whom I share it with even. Because at that stage I couldn't handle people not understanding me. So find the right people and share it,
And this forum is so supportive. Keep posting. No one judges you here.
I'm still not over it yet. But I'm having better day today.

Take care
Black Sheep