PTSD and Trauma

NPD dysfunction over long term

replies: 4

Hi, I grew up with NPD father & have suffered greatly over my life. My first method to protected myself from the incured emotional & mental damage was by hanging with extremely violent people who no body would dare mess with. I'm an adult now & reali... View more

Hi, I grew up with NPD father & have suffered greatly over my life. My first method to protected myself from the incured emotional & mental damage was by hanging with extremely violent people who no body would dare mess with. I'm an adult now & realise that kind of thing isn't the answer. But it was the best I could do as a teenager who just assumed that NPD was a normal part of life caused by white-picket-fence lifestyle giving men too much power. I swore off ever living that life & upheld the promise. I had an extremely hard life from the damage incured during childhood. I never wanted or thought I'd make it past 30. But I'm now 41yrs old...So I guess you could say, I'm a survivor of NPD but my unborn children are not. I didn't even know about NPD until a week ago & have never sought help...the label helps - but also makes it hard because of the realisations. I found the label after seeking help in dealing with my partner...he's also NPD like my father. Even though I survived NPD (lived past 30) = it's still torturing me & inhibiting my input into life. One of the biggest challenges I deal with is some kind of self worth thing (?) which affects care for myself...I don't think doing things for me is worth it. I have to trick my mind & do it for someone else...but not like a slave (that was my Mum to my NPD Dad)...I've modified it. I'm "saving life on planet Earth" working as a research scientist & teaching permaculture. But recently I've hit a block & it's not working anymore. Sometimes I can hardly get out of bed. I don't want anti-depressants, anxiety treatment, not even the promise of sorely needed money can give me the motivation. Another challenge, is some kind of fear reaction (?) where I can't focus on what I'm doing because my BF has me on my toes...demanding & harassing. I am not a teenager anymore, I can't go find a big friend to growl whenever he treats me bad, then go live with a friend. This time, I have to find a way to deal with it or work through it. I can't move out until I save the money. I live rural with 2 horses, 2 cows & a dog...it's no small move. Please help. And thank you for all who do. You're making a real difference in my life & I'm so very grateful.

Hi Anyone else with PTSD have panic attacks for no reason? Trigger Warning

replies: 4

My psychologist says i have PTSD well CPTSD and I have been through some traumatic stuff, oh um *Trigger Warning* I was groomed from a very young age and sexually abused by my narcisstic father for 6 years from age 12 til 18 when i went to Uni, at 15... View more

My psychologist says i have PTSD well CPTSD and I have been through some traumatic stuff, oh um *Trigger Warning* I was groomed from a very young age and sexually abused by my narcisstic father for 6 years from age 12 til 18 when i went to Uni, at 15 I also witnessed a girl be seriously physically assaulted at The school bus stop, at 19 and 21 was raped different guys and just recently cornered in an office and verbally abused by my Boss who thought I was incompetent and falsifying my timesheet, he since apologised after trying to do my workload after I quit but damage was already done I can't go back to a place i no longer feel safe. So I don't have flashbacks I don't remember dreams so no nightmares im aware of, I can talk about what graphic stuff I do remember in an aloof manner with as much emotion as flipping through an aldi catalogue, but truth is most of the time unless i have to see my parents i give it very little thought at all. But I have days when i feel so agitated and on edge but nothing has happened to trigger it, I can be washing the dishes and my heart starts to race my vision blurs i cant breathe properly. OR days I seem to be frozen and cant leave my bed my eyes glued to my phone tuning the world out. The anxiety and panic attacks seem to get worse the older i get. When I'm anxious my brain doesnt function properly from using the wrong words to not being able to answer a simple question at all so naturally I get angry. Yesterday my husband asked a question and took three steps towards me and I reacted like he was going to kill me severe panic and screaming at him to get out of my face (he was still 3 metres away). I am lucky he is compassionate and understands its not a rational reaction on my part and I am not scared of him logically speaking obviously my brain is slower realising that. I always told myself I didn't want to be a victim being all woe is me won't get me anywhere seems denial hasn't worked out in my favour either have all the problems with some weird detachment to it as well. I feel like I'm babbling now and dont know what I've said or where I was going and rather than spend another 8 hrs trying to write my introduction in just going to post it.

Relationship breakup due to suicide attempts

replies: 26

Hi, I'm a newbie here reaching out for advise regarding the relationship with my now ex boyfriend. We have had a toxic relationship from the beginning. This was my first real relationship and I believed he was the one. But abuse snuck in and I put up... View more

Hi, I'm a newbie here reaching out for advise regarding the relationship with my now ex boyfriend. We have had a toxic relationship from the beginning. This was my first real relationship and I believed he was the one. But abuse snuck in and I put up with it. My two suicide attempts have been triggered by his lack of love and lack of caring and understanding. He has been hot and cold. I thought he was strong enough, and insisted he was, to help with my depression, anxiety, OCD and adjustment disorder. He then changed his tune and said it was too much and couldn't see a future with me. He is traumatized and has PTSD due to my attempts. I feel helpless because I have given my all to this relationship only to be left feeling even more alone and deserted than I did already.

Domestic Violence and fires

replies: 2

So thismorning the Police turned up knocking on my neighbours door, for the umpteenth time this week, due to domestic violence and abuse. And there is a LOT of alcohol being drunk too. The woman, I think, is the main drinker and the main offender. Th... View more

So thismorning the Police turned up knocking on my neighbours door, for the umpteenth time this week, due to domestic violence and abuse. And there is a LOT of alcohol being drunk too. The woman, I think, is the main drinker and the main offender. There is an adult male and two children, I think in their early teens. My neighbours door, by the way, is only about 15 feet away from my door, as I live in a block of units. And all the fighting and stuff takes place pretty much at my door, about 10 feet from my bedroom window. Last night, as well as the DV incident that took place before Christmas, both started at around 11:30pm. Last week, just before Christmas I had called triple zero twice in about 10 minutes due to a major incident happening. I could hear children crying and begging someone to stop doing what they were doing, and adults yelling absolute obscenities at the kids and each other. It was so awful, and I was still shaking the next morning. Anyway, back to today, and as I was walking out to check my letterbox for a parcel I’m expecting, the Police were walking up to the neighbours door so I said to them “Can I please give you some information to pass onto them?” And they said yeah sure. So I went back inside, and grabbed an AA flyer – the 12 question one that is headed with ‘Is AA for you?’, an Al-anon bookmark size flyer, and 2 printouts for rehabs. Both rehabs, mind you, are an hour and a half away, in opposite directions and there is no rehab here in town. Which is crazy because this town where I live is, in my opinion DESPERATE and WELL QUALIFIED for a D&A rehab. Anyway, so that’s been my morning and week. I am so, so, SO glad I got sober. SO glad. I NEVER EVER want to go back to drinking. Ever. Oh, and by the way, it feels like pretty much the whole damn country has wildfires. Not doing great with that either, being a wildfire survivor. Got some PTSD stuff happening and flashbacks and stuff. Not such a great week here. I'll be okay though. It could be worse. And for a lot of people right now, it IS far worse for them than it is for me. I do hope the police pass on the AA and rehab info to my neighbours. I think these people need all the help they can get.

It feels like it has been so long, why is my trauma still impacting me so much?

replies: 1

I'm new here, and I'm not sure where the start, so I guess I will just write what comes to mind, unfiltered. More than 10 years ago I was raped, by a friend I knew and trusted. I reported the incident to police, however, no charges were ever made, I ... View more

I'm new here, and I'm not sure where the start, so I guess I will just write what comes to mind, unfiltered. More than 10 years ago I was raped, by a friend I knew and trusted. I reported the incident to police, however, no charges were ever made, I attended counseling early on, but I know now that I was not willing or ready to work through what I had experienced. My partner at the time was sympathetic, but not supportive and my coping mechanism was to bottle things up and ignore feelings. In the years following my rape, I experienced many symptoms of anxiety, depression, and PTSD. I made life decisions perhaps in response to these symptoms, and it feels like the trauma completely tipped my life off balance. Fast forward ten years, the sympathetic partner I had when the rape occurred is still in my life, we were married, had two children and separated in less than amicable circumstances at the beginning of this year. I have since met a new partner, and things with him have been amazing. However, when I entered into a new sexual relationship it seems the trauma resurfaced. I began having terrible nightmares, flashbacks, anxiety attacks and a general feeling of unrest. I sought counseling and was open and honest with my new partner about my past. He has been supportive and asks what he can do to make things better. As the relationship becomes more serious, and the feelings become stronger I have so much fear. I am still having nightmares on a very consistent basis and the last two nights, the person depicted in the nightmare hurting me is my new partner. I feel as if I am constantly trying to make sense of what is going on in my brain and where these thoughts are originating, what are they revealing to me, or what am I feeling deep down. But it is a maddening loop. I am finding it very difficult to open up to this new partner and tell him what I am thinking, or what I need because I can't make sense of it myself. At the root, I feel it may be some very deep seeded trust issues. I just wish someone could tell me what is going on in my mind, that I am not losing it, and how to make it better. I feel exhausted.

I am old now. and i just dont know where to write this

replies: 3

Gosh there is so much to talk about and i just wish to put it all in words It started wehn my sister and i where 6 and 5 respectively. One day mom and dad sat us down to explain we will have a new mommy soon. We were kids and too this day i do not kn... View more

Gosh there is so much to talk about and i just wish to put it all in words It started wehn my sister and i where 6 and 5 respectively. One day mom and dad sat us down to explain we will have a new mommy soon. We were kids and too this day i do not know the reason for it. i was just sad that mommy was goping away, early that morning mom woke us and we fled states, too live with gradma. i had started school by then, but i was always upset after that, i failed to make any friends in the new place, and just fell behind in school. I never cuaght up. Im sure there was legal battles over custady right, and some time in grate 6 or 7 i spent a year living with dad, his new wife and her three kids. This was my year of hell. My step mom just did not plain like me, i never understood at the time, but now i believe that she saw me as some kind of threat too her own security. And she started forbidding me to return home after school, without my father, So at abotu 10 years of age (i think) i would wait around the ferry pier for my dad to return from accoss the harbour at about 6-7pm each night so i could go home That essentially left me roaming the streets, alone, and very sad. for 3-4 hours every afternoon. It so happened i chanced on a man, who was very kind too me, he would talk too me, play chess with me, and buy me icecreams. But he also did other things too me, things that a child should not experience. And i just, dreading it, went along with it, let him do what he wanted cuase he paid attention too me, and bought me icecreams I tried to tell Dad, a few times, not about the man, he was my friend. that my step mother never let me come home after school. They would have fights, i could hear it, and her kids would call me a "home wrecker". But Dad just casually passed it off too me as "i thought you just liked greeting me". So im old now, and ive never talked about this, ive never moved on with my life, its been wasted. I dont have a girlffriend, ive had difficulty keeping a job, and have had long gaps of upto a decade between jobs in my past. Every day is a battle with depression, anxiety and possibly PSTD. Ive seen so many phychologists, even a pychiatic doctor. I just couldnt bring myself to share with anyone any of my history. So after a time, it was all considered "not much concern", and a case generally feeling downtrodden. That is my fualt, i never opened up. I just dont know how too, in person

Living in fear

replies: 3

Hello, Just over a year ago now my partner of almost 8 years just left said he wanted a break, didn't want to be with me anymore. This broke my heart. All I kepy thinking in my head was what I did wrong, how can I fix this, I would have did anything ... View more

Hello, Just over a year ago now my partner of almost 8 years just left said he wanted a break, didn't want to be with me anymore. This broke my heart. All I kepy thinking in my head was what I did wrong, how can I fix this, I would have did anything for him. Not long after he left I found out he had been cheating and dating someone while he was still woth me. He left to be with her. What makes things worse is while all this was going on I found out I was pregnant. To be honest I wasn't happy. I felt like I couldn't be. I was scared and he couldn't care less. I had no idea what it was like living on my own again let alone doing it all while pregnant. Not long after this his new girlfriend got pregnant also. When I say I died inside I truly did. All I ever wanted was to be withis person for the rest of my life and have this wonderful family with him yet he meets this girl and does it all within a few months of dating her. Was I not good enough, did I waste 8 years of my life caring about someone who could so easily forget about me and everything we did together. To make things worse again his new girlfriend was sending me horrible messages pretending to be him saying he never wanted to have kids with me, he never loved me and I am a joke. She goes out of her way to text me and look through his phone to make sure I am not texting him even if it is just to ask if he wants to spend time with me and his son at the park. This texting business only stopped a few weeks ago after she was mocking me for being depressed when he left. She even blamed be for his depression saying I am the reason he always feels like crap. I can't believe he sticks up for her every time. I let him come and see his son every day. I have got him fathers day presents, made him gifts from his son and invited him to so many outings so he can spend time with his son but it is never enough. He threatened me today with going to court. It isn't the first time. I have panic attacks when I go into town I get so worried I am going to see them together with their baby and it just takes me back to this really depressing place where I question myself why am I not good enough to have my own family. Why does my son have to live in this broken home. He told me to grow up and get over and what he did in the past. Believe me I tried but it hurt so deeply I don't think I ever will. It hurts me almost everyday I always see something that reminds me of those bad times and my day is ruined.

Nobody i know has any idea what living with a covert Narcissist is like.

replies: 5

Nobody i know has any idea what living with a covert Narcissist is like & all i can say is that im so very grateful they dont! I endured 12 long yrs with this person who did not love or respect me in any way shape or form & the trauma from the daily ... View more

Nobody i know has any idea what living with a covert Narcissist is like & all i can say is that im so very grateful they dont! I endured 12 long yrs with this person who did not love or respect me in any way shape or form & the trauma from the daily occurrences has given me severe PTSD type symptoms, i now have regular panic attacks with the thought of him coming through the front door so i hide in my room as when the feeling comes over me i have to lay down as ive been close to passing out at times. The straw that broke the camels back was when he announanced & laughed infront of me to a friend, that in his eyes i resembled a 414lb woman (i gained 10kgs after loosing my young mother to a brain aneurysm so gained a dress size or 2 due to depression) i couldnt take it anymore, he made my skin crawl with his personality traits, the list of things that made me question my sanity of why i was with a person like that is so long & involved that i cant possibly write it all down. As i write this i am waiting for him to arrive home to pack his items up as hes moving out, i feel like ive escaped the 12 year prison of unhappiness i was in & immediately entered another prison! Most people have said to me that i should be happy with him moving out, well of course i am but im left completely on my own with ABSOLUTELY NO WAY OF LOOKING AFTER MYSELF....I WASENT ALLOWED TO WORK.....So i cant find a job as i have NO EXPERIENCE, NO SKILLS AND NO QUALIFICATIONS & on top of that im turning 40 this year so they wont consider me due to my age so im terrified & dont know who to turn too! Ive also never been allowed to have any control with finances, or make any decisions in the last 12 years. I feel so completely overwhelmed. Ive also gone from him earning a very lage amount of money each week (3 to 4 times higher than the average wage) to being drip fed the tiniest amount each week to live on until i find myself a job which is extremely difficult when i cant apply to 98% of jobs so im in panic mode right now with 2 kids to support. I honestly wish i could just crawl into a hole right now, ive well & truely lost myself! I can tell you all the things IM NOT as for years it was drummed into me all the things i was not, but i cant tell you all the things that I AM as ive lost that part of me & i feel so very sad about that, i use to be a happy confident, self assured person.....IM NOT ANYMORE.

My husband's severe betrayal and the workplace that knew..has left me with PTSD

replies: 2

I was married to my best friend. I adored my husband - loved him immensely I thought he was a man of integrity, and for nearly 19 years thought he went to work in an environment where he was appreciated and respected. I also thought his work colleagu... View more

I was married to my best friend. I adored my husband - loved him immensely I thought he was a man of integrity, and for nearly 19 years thought he went to work in an environment where he was appreciated and respected. I also thought his work colleagues respected him because he was married and, I assumed he spoke highly of me as his wife. I was severely deceived and betrayed and had no idea. I was caring for my mother for some years. She suffered from severe anxiety, AMD and dementia. I also have some chronic auto-immune health issues. She died in October 2015. My husband, I thought adored and loved her. But after she died, he left me suddenly, five months after her passing. I had NO idea. Suddenly, this monster emerged, a man I had loved and respected. I found out later that I was the 'joke'of the workplace and he planned to leave me by cheating on me with another woman in another country and planning on exist when I was deeply grieving my mother. I had absolutely no idea all this planning and deception was going on behind my back, while I was busy planning a funeral and grieving my mother. I was also mentally and physically exhausted after many years of caregiving. My husband was well respected by friends, my family and our church community for over 20 years. He abandoned me and I discovered later that his work colleagues knew what he was planning and were supporting him. I am not sure if they knew my mother had died or not I assume they did as he took time off work for her funeral. I was the 'joke' and the joke was on me. I have suffered with severe PTSD since. My husband divorced me, I lost my home, my dignity and now live with confusion wondering who this man is and what part of my life was real with him.. I have little or no support. I have pondered..should I contact my husband's place of employment and tell them what he has done and what others had done in helping planning this horrid joke and that they had done this on a woman who just lost her mother and was in deep emotional and physical pain and exhaustion. I know, it's nearly been four years but I feel as though it may help relieve the PTSD. I don't want them to let my ex-husband know though. Or, do I need to let this go, not say anything and try and heal of this PTSD myself?

Ageing women value

replies: 14

I’m hoping I won’t offend anyone with my post ad I realise what I’m thinking is a product of my experiences and thoughts but I’m really having trouble or getting past themsince a very young age perhaps 9,10 I recall older men being inappropriate towa... View more

I’m hoping I won’t offend anyone with my post ad I realise what I’m thinking is a product of my experiences and thoughts but I’m really having trouble or getting past themsince a very young age perhaps 9,10 I recall older men being inappropriate towards me . A man exposing himself , many many inappropriate comments , leering , sometimes ‘accidental touching , then at 11 sexual ‘relations’ from a 17 yr old boy That went on for a year or so . I’ve never known what to make of it as he wasn’t technically an adult . I have raised it with a couple of counsellors but both were reluctant to say much . I’m extremely angry and tearful when I think of it and ashamed . I went completely off the rails and into abusive relationships from there anyway , my issue is I have zero trust in men and a huge obstacle believing I could ever have a real relationship , even though that’s what I truly want , because I believe deep down all men truly care about and want is youth. All my examples in life have confirmed this in both my personal experience and friends around me . I hate porn as In my mind it confirms mens obsession with youth and beauty with older women being relegated to a fetish .My closest friends tell me that men on dating sites their age block women their own age even though they say they don’t want children in their profile and I read that men’s optimal age for a partner for their entire life is 22 even through women prefer men within a few years of their own age . Apparently that survey was taken from over 200k people so it’s not small I look around me for some examples to try and give me opposing views and think ok I’ve found a man standing by his wife then I find out he left for a 21 yr old ....I just feel women are only valued for youth and looks and so discarded and that any of a relationship of you didn’t get it right in your youth is decreased for a woman just because she losses the thing men value most . I feel like I’m permanently damaged . I mean if I can’t be through these thoughts by this age . Everyone else is living in the same world as me and either doesn’t see these things or isn’t bothered by them so there’s clearly something very wrong with me and I don’t seem to get anywhere talking to therapist . In another thread a psychologist was suggested but I’m apprehensive as my experience is no one wants to hear this ... o guess I’m venting and wondering if anyone has ever felt this

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PTSD for Medical and First Responders

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NPD dysfunction over long term

replies: 4

Hi Anyone else with PTSD have panic attacks for no reason? Trigger Warning

replies: 4