Recently diagnosed with psychosis from PTSD

[lazycalm]

Hi everyone! this is my first post on this forum,

I have been in intensive therapy for a bit over a year, last year I was hospitalised for a suicide attempt as a result of my depression and anxiety, along with my developing psychotic symptoms. I am doing a lot better than I was last year, but recently I was officially diagnosed with psychosis, and it's taking a toll on me.

I have used up my therapy sessions, but I don't think I want to return to it for a while because I think I can cope by myself now, but I'm just looking for a bit of support on these forums.

I had an extremely bad acid trip on new years a couple years back, and I've never felt the same since. I have 1st episodic psychosis and PTSD as a result.

It drives me nuts.. I'm often very paranoid, and I have slight auditory and visual hallucinations, though nothing too extreme, it makes me feel like I'm going crazy. I feel dissociated literally 100% of the time, and it makes my work life and social life quite difficult. For example, I get confused about my surroundings, it feels like I'm looking through a screen all the time, like nothing is real around me. It feels really scary but I'm just trying to accept that this is my life now. Sometimes I get so confused that I don't see where I'm going and I might walk into someone or something by accident. 

My vision is always fuzzy, and I can see halos around people. I know it sounds crazy, and I know it's just my illness but it gets so tiring having to act normal around people, like I'm not experiencing anything. I guess I'm really scared of this developing into something like schizophrenia.

It would be reassuring to hear from people with psychosis or a similar experience to me. I feel there is so much stigma around it because people think you're crazy or will harm others because of it, which isn't true at all. I also have really bad depression and anxiety, and I have panic attacks a lot simply because I get anxious about the possibility of getting anxious. It's so draining 😞

Anyway, sorry if I have rambled a lot but I'd just like to get some reassurance that I'm not alone and I'm not crazy.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi lazycalm,

Welcome to the forums and thanks so much for joining us and sharing what's been happening with you. I think that it's great you are here and looking for some extra support.

While I don't have experiences with psychosis, I thought it can't hurt to have another reminder that you're not crazy and you're not alone. I know a big part of schizophrenia is having a distorted reality, and it sounds like even though you're having these hallucinations - you don't seem to be confusing this with reality (i.e. you know there's actually no halo there). The other thing that's probably helpful to know is that even though you are dissociated, our body has an in-built mechanism to keep us safe - which means not only is dissociation aimed at keeping you safe, but it also means that there's a part of you (even if it's small) that is aware of your surroundings. So this means that if there was suddenly danger, that small part of you would work to keep you safe too.

I know that you mentioned that you were in therapy and used up all your sessions; do you think it might be worth going back and getting some extra support? It honestly sounds like it's very exhausting for you to have to go through this everyday, and I know that both psychosis, PTSD, anxiety and depression can all be managed better so it doesn't have to rule your life.

I hope you find lots of support within these forums, and I encourage you to jump in on other threads too.

RT

[b_abbey]

Hi Lazycalm,

I had a similar experience - almost 25 years ago I had a bad trip, which resulted in panic attacks for a couple of years, but since then I no longer have them and you might be interested to know how.

I read a book about breathing by a physiotherapist - it was the best little book I ever did read! It stopped the mild panic state I was constantly in, and the major full-blown panic attacks.

There's a common misconception that oxygen controls the rate of breathing, but many scientists will tell you it's actually carbon dioxide in the blood (which is what we breath out) - that actually controls it. That is - when we over over breathe, we blow out too much carbon dioxide, and the body again over breathes in an attempt to increase our levels of carbon dioxide in the blood - to restore breathing back to normal. Often, it doesn't work and we fall into constant over- breathing, and it becomes like a vicious cycle/circle.

There's a solution however! It worked for me from day one and for any friends - I show them what to do and it works for them as well. Just simply hold your breath. It's a little tough when you are panicking, but by the third try you will notice the panic begins to subside. This because when we hold our breath we no longer breath out the carbon dioxide and it increases in the body & actually acts to slow down the rate of breathing, and restores things to normal. This is the same as breathing into a paper bag (where we breathe back in the carbon dioxide). You can do two things. Have a paper bag with you, or just simply hold your breath. I don't mean for long periods either, I mean until it feels slightly uncomfortable, and then repeat a few times.

I do it still to this day if I am feeling overly anxious - thus I have never has a panic attack since, in 25 years!

This is science. I hope it helps you. For me it changed everything. For many years after - I went back to a full productive life.

Later in life I started having flashbacks from childhood trauma. I still use this method when I feel dissociated and overwhelmed.

I am here to say there is hope - after a bad trip! It's such a horrible experience I know. But I think when we remove the panic, it helps a great deal to restore our confidence and our psyiological functioning - thus our psychological functioning too. It great to combine this with talk therapy, so continue with that as well.

Becky

[sg9826]

I was diagnosed with psychosis when I was 17 due to a lot of trauma that happened prior.
According to my Drs I'm in the top 1% of extremity with psychosis. Bevause although it's quite common to have no one (or at least none of the almost 20 psychiatrists I've consulted over the years) have it all the time!! its normally just psychotic episodes not 24/7 never going away!
I hallucinate 24/7 started with visual, then the auditory came and never went away. I'm constantly being told im not good enough, my family don't love me, every one in my life would be better off without me etc. (and that's the nice stuff) it gets worse depending on the level of triggers from trauma and can esculate to tactile hallucinations where I've felt like I was being harmed repeatedly (worse pain I've ever experienced). Anyway this has been going on for 8 years, and although the visual and tactile have gone away and are only triggered by severe distress so it's no longer a daily occurrence.
I still have auditory hallucinations from the second I wake up to the second I fall asleep.
I haven't been able to work or study at all since I was 18. I spent 6 years living in hospital before I told my Drs that there was no point locking me in there for the rest of my life just to keep me alive if I wasn't actually able to have a life.
There is a huge stigma with mental illness in general especially when people ask me what I do for work and I tell them i can't because I have psychosis. But you'll find a lot of people are really understanding once you explain your situation. For me once I tell people how much I suffer on a daily basis with constantly having the psychosis try and manipulate me into ending my life, and the things they do/say people are really sympathetic. Mental illness is becoming more common unfortunately though people only really know about depression and anxiety not the more complex one, so i find it's best to educate as many people as you know on your own situation in the hope that it will broaden their understanding and release the stigma.
In my case the psychosis is manageable to a degree but unclear if I'll ever 100% be able to work or study again and is definetly something I'll have for life, and can't be completely cured.
My concentration is awful and I can't read without every thing going blury, and I get extremely paranoid especially when the voices convince me that everyone is judging me (they do this in an attempt to again manipulate me into becoming suicidal).
I havr tried every single anti psychotic possible and none have worked. However I find seeing a psychologist regularly that i trust and talking and debriefing about life and triggers helps and practicing self care. The more I love myself and know i want to fight for a somewhat normal life the less likely I am to give into the psychosis. I understand the psychosis is a form of sub conscious self sabotage because my brain cant cope with the amount of heavy trauma thats occurred over the past 25 years of my life so it developed psychosis.
I only just got the official ptsd diagnosis and it's bloody exhausting having ptsd episodes and psychosis at the same time because it brings on depression and anxiety so I completely understand how drained you must feel!
Can I ask do you have a support network? I know people say to see a psychologist and a psychiatrist which is definetly needed but I find I would need to see my psychologist every day in order to get enough out of the sessions to be able to cope, which just isnt possible, it's so expensive! Though I understand with ptsd people in your life may also be triggers or not be capable of understanding/hearing your situation. It's important to find 1 or 2 people you can just vent to even when your suicidal or at your worst, that can just rationalize the situation and calm you down. But make sure it's someone you completely trust, who loves you unconditionally so you know if you start telling them heavy stuff about the trauma that they won't come back and use it against you later if you have a fight or the relationship breaks down.
Lastly you shouldn't have to "act normal" around anyone in your life. Yes you have an illness, but it doesn't define you and you should be able to own it, it's exhausting enough just having it let alone having to hide it on top of everything else. My advice would be just live your life and be yourself, don't put in extra effort to hide it because as Dr. Seuss says "Be who you are and say what you feel, because thosewho mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"

Hope all this helps,
Elena