Abusive Ex is now in jail, I feel weird about it

[GemAndLogan]

Hi all! It's been a little while since I've started a new post because I've been extremely lucky in that everything has been going well.

However I found out on Saturday night that my ex partner is now in jail and it kind of threw me for a loop.

We were together 9 years and he always battled addiction and obeying the law. In the end his ice addiction changed him and he became physically and emotionally abusive towards me, even putting me in hospital twice and cheating on me.

Leaving was hard because I loved the person he was before drugs but it was the best thing I ever did as the person he became was hurting me a lot.

I don't love him any more and have had no contact since leaving (about 7 months ago), I have an amazing boyfriend now and have well and truly moved on from the past but I don't understand my feelings when finding out about his situation especially because everyone saw it coming, including me.

I feel shocked, sad but also overwhelmed with relief that I don't have to be the one picking up the pieces for him while he was in jail. I feel devastated for the person I once knew, despite the fact that he hadn't been that person for at least 18 months due to his ice use.

His sister has tried to contact me but I don't want to see his family because I want to leave him and any ties to him in the past but is that selfish of me?

After I left, all I felt was anger and resentment for him and didn't care at all about what happened to him. But now that something has happened, I feel sad? And although I feel sad, I still have no desire at all to make contact with him or see him.

I'm confused about my own emotions which is frustrating.

I've been talking to family and friends about it but everyone seems to think I should be so happy with him being in jail after what he did to me and of course, his own actions put him there but I just don't feel happy about it.

Always grateful to be able to vent here : )

Lots of love

Gem

[Croix]

Dear Gem~

It's so good to hear of somebody that has overcome really horrible times and now has a better life. Just telling us of your present circumstances will be a real lift to those reading here. It gives hope, showing what can happen.

With your mixed feelings I think you have said it yourself:

I feel devastated for the person I once knew
I felt was anger and resentment

When you first met him you knew a certain person, one you could love, and like so many of us good times can loom very large when in the past. Of course there is the memory of the bad times too, which sadly got to the point the whole thing was over.

So it's not surprising this new event prompts you to grieve for the person you knew while at the same time wanting to continue being well away from the thing he became.

In no way is it selfish not to want to speak to the sister, or have no contact. It cost you enough being with him and even more to leave and now you very wisely want that separation to be absolute and permanent.

Your family may not understand the mixed feelings, as they see him as he is, you can still see him as he was.

Please feel free to 'vent' as much as you'd like

Croix

[GemAndLogan]

Thank you so much for your reply Croix

Reading it made me feel more certain about what I'm doing, I think I just expected to feel nothing but when I did feel sad it took me by surprise

I like to think that people can read my post and know things can and do get better.

Thanks again as always!

Gem

[geoff]

hello Gem, I think Croix has said it perfectly, it's the person you knew before his addiction to ice you are grieving for, and I would dearly love to repeat what he has said, but there would be no point in doing so, I'm really stumped as to what else I can say, it's been done with experience and knowledge that he has learnt over these years.
Your ex is now a changed man, unfortunately for the worse, and his stay this time won't be his last, the police will be looking out for him when it's time for his release, so stay well away from his family and of course him.
Ice is a terrible drug people get addicted on, and it makes them different people, they change completely, their teeth rot and will take money from anybody if they get the chance.
You will be safe and your b/friend will I'm sure to be doing everything he can to protect you. I hope we see you back. Geoff.

[GemAndLogan]

Thank you Geoff as always for your reply : )

It is a shame but you're right, he has changed and there's nothing anyone can do.

Only he has the power to fix his life.

Ice is a life destroyer- my ex was a normal guy with a job, friends, a relationship, a life and now he has none of that because of ice. Now he is facing an uncertain future because of his choice to use that drug.

It is tragic but I am relieved I no longer have to be the one trying in vain to pick him up out of his addiction.

Thanks again Geoff

Gem

[geoff]

dear Gem, I'm certainly happy that you aren't the one. Geoff.

[Jessicatherese94]

Hi Gem, I think it's really normal for you to feel what you're feeling, especially considering 9 years is such a long time together. Look after yourself and put yourself first in this situation. If you don't want to contact or be in contact with his family you don't have to. I think it's normal to feel sad - jail is definitely a huge deal but maybe it's the best for him in the long run. When I have confusing feelings I like to literally sit with them, I'll close my eyes and let whatever feelings I have - happiness, anger, sadness - come up, and just sit with them for a while. You don't have to do anything about the feelings, just acknowledge that they are there. Really happy to hear you have an amazing relationship now, that's awesome. Wishing you well, write back soon. J.

[Guest_128]

Hey Gem,

That is all in your past now,of course you would have emotions about it.

Its time for your life now.

I would try to have no contact with ex or anyone associated with him.

It is good you can chat here.

Dory

[GemAndLogan]

Hi Jessica,

Thank you for the reply

That is definitely a good point, I think so many of us think we need to take action when we have unexpected emotions instead of just riding it out.

Thank you for your kind words

All the best

Gem

[GemAndLogan]

Hi Dory,

Thank you for your reply and positive comments

I also feel that it's time for my life now : )

I have no plans to make contact with my ex at all, I really want to leave it all behind me

Thanks again

Take care

Gem