Abused as a child.

[Guest_322]

Hi,

I'm not sure where to start. Suffice to say, and I don't want to go into the details, that I was abused as a child by a relative. It's a little hard for me to say "abused" as there's a part of me that feels it was all so surreal. Like I had made it up in my head.

Even as I've opened up to select people in my offline life, and they've called it abuse, I still find it hard to believe. I still feel like a drama queen. I mean, it wasn't that bad.

Although I do have a whole range of trust issues and the like, I'm trying, and it's really hard. Trying to trust. Trying to take a chance on people. Trying to get through each day. And right now, trying not to cry because I've uni work to do ha, ha. I suddenly remembered something that my psychologist (have stopped seeing her for a while now) once said about how I missed out on so much as a child. That thought is upsetting.

Anyway, that's enough. I'm getting emotional and I have a lot of uni work to do.

Thanks for reading

[Zeal]

Hey Dottie,

Great to hear from you (as always) 😄

Thanks so much for your kindness. I haven't heard back about my counselling postgrad application yet. I need to do six months of postgrad study next year at my uni before I can get accepted into the Masters of Counselling and Psychotherapy (also at my uni). I am excited about being able to study counselling, and I am also so keen to have my last major undergrad psychology assignment ever done next week! I will be finished with undergrad on November 15, when I have my third (and last) exam!

I am so glad you are able to relate to the past experiences of others on this thread. Finding a connection with people and being able to discuss things in a way you can't with anyone else must feel liberating.

Keep being you Dottie!

Best wishes,

Zeal

[Guest_322]

Hi Dizzy,

You really do have a way with words. I realise that I'm very lucky to have your support. You are a superstar 😉

The metaphor was beautiful- thank you.

You might be onto something there about parenting ourselves, which I feel at a loss about as I have no idea how to do it.

Transmitters, receptors, cortisol and adrenaline? You sound like my biopsych lecturer ha, ha. But I hear what you're trying to say to me.

Aw thank you for your belief in me. I question myself all the time. There's still a part of me that feels like I don't deserve anything. Like I don't deserve to be supported or helped (but other people deserve it). Like my problems aren't real problems (but other people's problems are real).

Stay amazeballs 😊

Dottie xoxoxoxoxo

Thank you so much,

[Guest_322]

Hi Zeal,

It's all happening ha, ha. 15th Nov is pretty soon but the exam period is never fun 😔 Hurray for your last ever undergrad assignment next week. End of an era.

Fingers crossed that good news comes your way on the Masters front! Rooting for you!

Thanks, yeah, I'm very lucky to have the support that I do here. Somehow they got me talking about the more difficult stuff but that's probably a good thing.

Dottie x

[Cornstarch]

You're doing great Dots.

I think there is wisdom in setting things aside at times, and mining does not always reap the awards you expect. I'm so relieved you have that capacity.

You appear to be going through what all survivors of abuse do, which is loneliness and re-adjusting your sense of self after it has been moulded by someone that was damaging. I think what is so horrible about these situations is that you look back and realise that even their acts of kindness were hollow, they were really acts of saving face, and ensuring their image to people outside of the immediate family is never tarnished.

Your a psych student so you know that a time of great vulnerability will be when forming intimate relationships with a significant other. But having said that just because you have had these experiences doesn't make you any more vulnerable than someone from a wholesome background falling into abusive partnerships.

The sad fact is that we all have unworthiness inside of us. It doesn't matter how successful you are, if someone chips away at your confidence consistently enough and long enough it will start to crack.

Enjoy Uni

[Guest_322]

Hi Cornstarch,

Thank you so much for everything. You get it.

You really are something special. I have no doubt that you're hurting yourself but you still reach out to me.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Yeah, I'm one of the many psych students ha, ha. Commerce/psych to be precise but I know nothing. The more that I learn, the less I realise that I know (especially about people).

Keep being your insightful, witty self. That person is pretty awesome 😊

Dottie xxx

[Cornstarch]

Thank you Dottie123.

I get muddled, 'threads' become intertwined on here and I forget the story-lines. I didn't realise your Dad's predicament.......poor guy. Gosh, that must have been tough to navigate. There's something really taboo about female abusers isn't there, but I find it fascinating how people question if it was abuse at all simply because the person was a women. The perpetrator of my assault was a father figure but it is his wife's actions and in-actions that have done just as much damage, if not more, to the point where memories of her have made me faint. It is just too raw, that rejection from a tribal leader that was meant to stick up for you.

Isn't it freaky how abuse crosses generations, you'll be able to tell us all on here about epigenetics sure enough and the economy as well! Practical and emotional. Both sides of the brain.

Now if an academic will not give you a HD because you forgot a full stop, tell Tinned Corn and she will go and get her can opener.

[Guest_322]

Hi Cornstarch,

Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry. You're not the only one who gets muddled...I got father and father figure mixed up. I'm so, so sorry about that.

Hey, this has been one very traumatic ride that you have had. His wife really, really hurt and betrayed you. I think actions and inactions are just 2 sides of the same coin and can both cut equally deeply; and his wife's choices cut really deep.

Act/not act: that's on her. Abuse/not abuse: that's on him.

I'm so sorry, Corny...

Yeah, my dad has a lot of issues. Man-child might be a good way to describe father dearest. He'a like one of those 50-something years olds you mentioned who acts like a 10 year old (even 4 year old sometimes). But can you blame him? Rhetorical question (sighs). He had it really, really bad.

Female abusers is definitely very taboo and I think if the perpetrator is female then sometimes people don't take it as seriously as when it's a male perpetrator. In reality, both are equally horrible.

Thanks again for everything 😊

Dottie xxx

[Guest_322]

Hi Cornstarch,

Now if an academic will not give you a HD because you forgot a full stop, tell Tinned Corn and she will go and get her can opener.

Ha, ha that made my day 😊 Thanks for the laugh 😂

Dottie xxx

[Cornstarch]

Nup. Of course you can't blame your Dad.

He's does his best given he was abused, and it sounds like he missed out on a lot of fun. I'd wanna try and feel young too, lopsided lives hey. We're doing our best.

Don't even get me started on that monsters wife. She's still alive.

Life's a funny thing Dots. I felt 'funny' this morning.

I don't know if 'consciousness' is covered in your Uni course, but ever since I was little I've had inner experiences that I don't really know how to describe other than 'expanded consciousness happenings'.

It washed over me this morning and I felt funny.

When my Dad died after getting the phone call, I arrived back at the house, opened the front door and the family dog ran up to me whimpering with my fathers blood on his chest. I had a beloved whimpering Mum, and a beloved whimpering canine.

The canine has died tonight.

Grief hey.

It sucks.

[Guest_322]

Oh Cornstarch,

I'm really sorry about your dog. Grief does suck. Knocks the stuffing out of you.

Cry/don't cry, hide for a bit in bed/don't hide, scream/don't scream...do it your way. You lost an amazing family member and friend...mourn however you need to.

Sending you a virtual hug and know that I'm here for you.

Dottie xxxxxxxxxxxxx