Abuse

white knight

Do you feel abused by anyone? If so, why do you feel there's no escape, that you are permanently tied to that person? Have you sought help and how did that go?. R U OK? Remember, we are anonymous, you are safe here. I'd like you to chat here.

To a lady stranger abused by her partner.

RETURNING SHADOW

There is a shadow of your life that follows you around
Like every shadow here, they never make a sound
And just as you want to leave that shadow makes you stay
Then you return to life, just like any other day

There are many that left their shadow behind
To seek freedom of love and life of a different kind
To be so bold and not be told, to be treated as a woman grown
To think for yourself, and make choices of your own

Only then will your shadow relax and reappear
With thumbs up and no longer reason for any fear
A sign will arrive that you fought for all the rights you should have had
Smiles from your shadow and no longer trace of feeling sad

You'll blossom into that girl you used to be
The one that twirled her dress as if forever free
And the love will come to you as it does with effort more
Just like it does from the ocean to the shore

As you grow older and watch your children dance
You'll smile away because- you fought for a second chance
And as you seek the sun that shadow reappears
To give you that elusive smile and a thousand fewer tears....

TonyWK

white knight

Arghh, siblings. A short story

At 17yo when I joined the Airforce my sister 12yo was starting to develop into my mothers echo. Mother never had too many supporters especially those head nodding type that never challenged her. For the next 7 years my sis became a younger clone. Then my parents actively encouraged her to marry for the soul reason that to fall pregnant out of wedlock would disgrace them. Newly weds lived with my parents, not a small tiff went unnoticed by mother without her interfering. At 26yo my sis completely cut mother off.

Try as I did for decades later I could never avoid my mother in my sister especially along the lines of triangulation, manipulation and control. After so long feeling sorry for her being a victim of our mother's moulding of her personality I cut ties. The straw came when she attempted to recruit me against my daughter. That was 4 years ago.

When our mother died last year (93) I'd already known when my sis rang. I blocked the call. She, like mother had a long history of breaking the ice by waiting for a family development. Then no discussion about fixing the hidden issue and repeat, repeat. Not this time.

Finally, I'd permanently removed the toxicity that plagued our family likely from NPD or BPD.

What's now my biggest challenge? Waiting for drama that doesn't come. Odd. Bliss too.

Im wondering about your brother and what strings he has connected to you? What effect they are having and what strings you rely on to keep in touch and... if he's pulling them?

TonyWK

therising

Hi Tony

As you continue to lead me to wonder, I appreciate it so much. Revelations are born from a sense of wonder. Again, you've led me to more revelations regarding my relationship with my brother.

When you speak of your mum and sister's history of no discussion of what happened before they came to break the ice, I've only now just realised the extent to which my brother has a habit of doing this. He simply just reconnects once he feels it's time. There might be a simple offering of an explanation on occasion, as to why he was so upset, such as 'I felt upset that I wasn't considered more' and that's it. THAT'S IT! After weeks of being cut off, of not having texts or calls responded to, that's it, one sentence and then everything's back on track after a complete derailing of the relationship. And off we go chugging along again, as if nothing happened. On the other hand, when there's been any upset between my sister and I in the past, we'd eventually come to talk it out, make better sense of it, learn from it, learn more about our selves and each other from it and be stronger for it all
I've never really thought about the strings until now. While I sit and open my mind, what suddenly comes to mind are the words 'They are heart strings'. Hmmm, interesting. I love so many aspects of him. I love the child in him (especially feeling for the wounded parts), the deeply compassionate part of him, the part that works so hard to raise others and the list goes on. I love the part of him that led him to book a flight and fly half way 'round the world as soon as he found out a friend's dad had suddenly passed and on another occasion as soon as he heard a close family member had attempted to take his own life. I love the part of him that led him to return from living overseas, to help me manage our dad's progressive dementia. There are so many parts to love. As soon as I hear the sound of his voice on the phone, after his absence for a time, I feel a heart string or two being plucked. There have been times lately where I'm led to question 'Is this time going to be the time where he severs the strings, where he just won't speak to me ever again?'. With this revelation, I'd say he doesn't intentionally pull any strings, he more so plucks the heart strings that connect us. In other words, he doesn't do it with a purpose in mind (playing me like a fiddle), it's simply just a connection that plays out.

Perhaps it's best to consider that I begin to come from a place of logic rather than heart. Logically, the next time he has what equates to a tantrum, I need to tell him to 'Grow up, get a grip, because in life you can't have everything your own way'. He can be a bit of a 'My way or the highway' person at times, who won't listen to reason. That would be 'the strict manager' in him managing, the part of him that gets things done, the part that I rely on at times but can't tolerate at other times. Perhaps 'Stop managing me' would be further warranted advice, as he has a tendency to crack the poos at times if I don't follow directions. I think it's time to start developing some strict instructions or directions of my own. I need to start managing this relationship instead of just responding to it.

Thanks Tony🤗

therising

Hi Tony

Thanks to you and someone I met with yesterday, I feel like I'm making significant progress at high speed. I feel like a different person today who's finally prepared to take a leap of faith into a time in my life where I'm becoming a different person.

The man I met with yesterday is someone I first met about 18 years ago. Yesterday is the fourth time I've seen him in all those years. In the past I've met with him when typically I was completely lost, had little sense of self, was facing significant challenge (either depressing or with the potential to become depressing) and so on. I see him when I am desperate for a greater sense of self understanding and direction and he has always given to me exactly what I needed. I warn you when I say I am a bit of a woo woo gal😁, something that I've come to find makes a positive difference to my mental and even soulful sense of well being. While some would question 'Why the heck would you go to see a psychic?', my answer is simple. Why would I pay a psychologist hundreds of dollars over the course of weeks or months for what I can gain in one sitting, with a person who I need to get a sense of why I'm suffering and a sense of the best way forward. So, I pay a sensitive who can get a sense of what I need them to. I would rely on a psychologist for a different kind of service. I'm sure there are plenty who would say 'If you're going to a psychic you need a psychologist. You're insane!'😅. Each to their own.

He mentioned 'You can love someone deeply but not like them (parts of their nature) at the same time. Decide whether you're going to love them from afar. Find what works for you'. In regard to my brother, I can relate to this. The mixed emotions that come with loving someone but not liking them at the same time can be separated and managed more easily with this way of thinking. The love is deep and the dislike is more a surface level thing. I think it's about managing the surface level stuff, as a deep sense of love needs no management. Committing to a practice that's going to develop me more into who I want to become was another suggestion. It's about developing confidence in the person I want to be, through practice. I recall asking my daughter a few weeks back to open her mind to what I needed to know or do in my life, regarding the way forward, and the same thing came to mind for her (developing a practice). Btw, my daughter loves the practice of opening her mind and letting things come in from out of the blue, as opposed to thinking hard about possible answers/solutions. With yesterday's meeting, just a couple of things I needed to know amongst many.

With psychics, a lot of people would say

'They just tell you want you want to hear or what you need to hear'. Yes and that can be a good thing
'They're just telling you what comes to mind for them'. Yes and that's not bad, based on the fact that it's not coming to mind for me
'They just reading you'. Yes and that's a good thing, that they're reading me better than I can read myself. I simply need to know what it is that they're reading. Nothing to be gained by them keeping that to themself

and the list goes on. Whether they're a fraud or not, how bad is it really that they're telling a person what they need to hear or know, what's not obvious to that person and what they can't read within themself? If, at the end of the day, it all provides a sense of clarity and a sense of direction, it's money well spent. On the other hand, I've met with a few over the years that have proven to be an absolute waste of time and money.

Finding someone who's open minded and sensitive enough to be able to sense what naturally comes to mind in guiding another, sense the nature of that person's struggle, sense or feel through their own experience and gain a sense of vision regarding a variety of ways forward for that person etc etc is a gift. Whether we pay such a person or we find them on the forums here (yes, I'm referring to you Tony)😊, it's a gift either way.

white knight

The Rising

I feel humble thankyou.

Ive had many influencers in my life. At 31yo with my one and only panic attack a 75yo man, when I said "I have to go outside for a smoke" he said "you dont need that smoke". I froze, it was a good trigger. That was my last cigarette. An Auntie visited and in conversation I said "whatever happens, happens" I was 13yo. She firmly said "no, you make it happen". But the life changing moment came at 26yo, its in the thread google- beyondblue 30 minutes can change your life.

Insight is powerful. To provide it to others problems is to possess a key to an inner need. But, as I'm anti arrogance no matter one gift to listen and process is a complementary capability not unlike your daughter.

The problem is that the majority of people live on the surface of reality but reality is deep and we dont swim past many submerged souls that connect. Hence you psychic lives in a seashell on the ocean floor ready to talk. Those floating on the surface dont know what they're missing and arent interested. Like minded people are hard to find.

TonyWK

therising

Hi Tony

Reading '30 minutes can change your life' led me to further respect the commitment to a certain practice. If the 11 o'clock practice had not become such a commitment, it would have been a different story. I think it's the becoming part that can be challenging while leaving certain habits behind. Perhaps it pays to imagine a future self, while calling out to them 'I be coming to meet up with you (who I'm going to be)'. I think I need to imagine my future self as a solid disciplinarian, not some patient self that just rolls their eyes in frustration when I fall back into questionable habits😁. If I was to ask my future self for advice, I imagine it would be something along the lines of 'You're never going to change as long as you choose to do what's easiest'. I'd say that's my worst habit a significant amount of the time, doing what's easiest. Taking a break from what can be hard or challenging needs to have a timer on it. It can't go 24/7.

I have to say one of the most enjoyable things in life is to be a collector of keys or key revelations offered by others. While it's one thing to have a whole stack of gathered keys, it's another to begin unlocking the way forward with them while putting them to good use.

white knight

So interesting. Thankyou for reading 30 minutes. Prior to that lecture I didnt realise my family was so negative.

Another thread is -wit, the only answer to torment. It woild be a better alternative to a future disciplinarian imo the latter enforcing boundaries, the former making them think where they went wrong. I use it often but it can create conflict. It sounds like your brother is worth keeping but at arms length for a little protection. Another method to use when reacting to his abrasive side is "now, now Billy you're not going down the domineering Avenue today"

Logic is best used when there's little compassion, empathy, if they are self centred. My sister 5 years younger than I has shead many tears in front of me, pity she stole them from a species of crocodile. The "her way or the highway " emerged. My MIL was dying of cancer when one day I had a BBQ the next day to attend at my sisters. I was exhausted moving all my MIL belongings to our house. I rang my sister to cancel out. The guilt tripping that followed was extraordinary. It was a 3 hour trip one way on my own as my wife needed to care for her mum as she had Parkinsons. In the end I went and while there I realised, all the food could have been frozen for a week or two until I had recuperated. It damaged us. It was then terminal and when she tried to manipulate me against my daughter it was the end.

Reinventing yourself can be thrilling. Ive gone through it several times successfully in most cases. I never could include ridding myself of my sensitivity hence I ended up embracing it and appreciating it as I wouldn't write my poetry without it. Some things I transformed were-

Definite boundaries with narcissism, nastiness, dominance
Accepting that its ok to have many more females as friends - against the norm
To no longer treat my interest of helping victims of crime and mental health as a sort of hobby, that its a reason I exist
That guilt should not exist. (Thread- guilt the tormentor)
That worry only grows ulcers (worry worry worry)
That I'm my best friend
That whenever I think ive done my best at loving my wife... I'll add 10%
That mental illness is ok to delay my motivation.
That I'm a good person (thread- the best praise you'll ever get)

Those are the main ones.

How are you feeling now with it all?

TonyWK

quirkywords

Tony thanks for starting this thread and the rising thanks for your input.
I can relate to a lot but the shadow concept I know about but not in a controlling relationship.

I think many people give advice but each situation is different. WHen one is dealing with an old and sick person it does change the context.

Thanks again Tony and the rising for giving me food for thought.

white knight

Dear Quirky, we've known each other for so long now.

I think I mentioned to you once before but for new readers I see abuse as being felt and judged by the victim. If someone said "what he said isnt abusive, he's just raising his voice" then they aren't the victim, they are judging the abuse from how THEY see it. The victim feels it as abuse so it is.

It isnt that cut and dry though. If someone is very sensitive and normal voice tone is felt as abusive, then there should be some adjustment so the ultra sensitive person adjusts as much as they can to help in cohesion.

Five years ago we had my wife's mother here for 8 months. She had advanced Parkinson's. Not only was she physically deteriorating but mentally she- was unaware of the stress people were under, was demanding, wouldnt listen to us etc. Totally the opposite to how that grand lady was prior to the advanced stage. She went into aged care and passed 8 weeks later. So caring for a sick person is no holiday. It is much worse when their carer/spouse is not the type to stand up for themselves and counter the harsh words/demeanor. I think you'd feel trapped.

This is the thing, if the victim of abuse is not able or prepared to enforce boundaries of abrasive behaviour then the abuser with push their abuse as far as it can go because the further it goes the more control they feel they have.

Everyone has the right to live a happy life. That right sometimes needs to be fought for, no matter how.

TonyWK

therising

Hi Tony and Quirky

There's definitely a lot to consider when it comes to forms of abuse, such as whether the abuser and the abused are conscious of it and the extent of it, the natures of the people involved, the circumstances, the frequency and volume and the list goes on. Definitely not always cut and dry. From either end, whether it involves the abuser or the abused, it's also about how or whether they wake up to it. As you mention Tony, there's an opportunity to become more conscious and change through it. At that turning point, there's also the opportunity to better understand the nature of the abuser and what has led them to form this nature. Whether it comes as a form of self entitlement, self preservation or something else, the turning point becomes a teaching/learning moment.

I have to say I've learned a lot about myself and others at this time. It's definitely been a learning experience, that's for sure. It's been an opportunity to become far more conscious, while being pushed to develop confidence and a greater sense of self at the same time. While I consider abuse comes from a state of mind, I think of my beautiful father before his passing. About a year ago, when he was in hospital and significantly influenced by dementia, he yelled and swore at me. So unlike him. I went to the bathroom and cried. On the way home from the hospital I questioned 'What was my emotional response all about?'. What came to mind led me to laugh out loud, 'Your daddy yelled at his little girl'😅. With me being 55, it was a laugh. In this case, I learned there is a little girl in me and it's up to me to take better care of her.

white knight

Some people just prior to passing away get really abuse and make outrageous assumption, like accusing their spouse of 50 years of wanting their money.

I once had my then therapist ask me-

"so when are you going to toss that bag of rocks in the river"?

"When you go socialising... put your big boy pants on"

(That was in response to me over reacting to others)

"Tony, are you afraid of being noble"?

So many quotes that hit home. Here's some on www

"Be the parent your inner child needed.”

"I sound corny, but I've promised my inner child that never again will I ever abandon myself for anything or anyone else again."

“Your inner child still lives inside of you, waiting for the love and care they always deserved.”

“It's never too late to have a happy childhood.”

The rising- I hope your inner girl gets your hugs

TonyWK