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Husbands porn addiction

Empathic
Community Member

Ok, so I first came here when I needed help with my husband's depression but here I am a couple of months later and I am so traumatised and messed up in the head I don't know what to do. I knew he was alcohol addicted, I knew he was depressed but I didn't know he was popping prescription medicines or that he has a porn addiction too.

During the course of talking to my husband and hammering him for answers I decided I would do the one thing I never imagined doing, I snooped. What I have discovered has left me in absolute ruins. In December last year over the course of 3 days he searched for and visited 52 kinky websites and signed up on 13 Kinky Dating sites. When confronted he of course denied it but I wasn't having any of it. To cut a very long story short I have discovered he is addicted to porn and has even watched it at home right under my nose. The nature of the porn has gotten worse and while I haven't actually viewed any of it judging by what he was searching for I can only imagine.

My heart is shattered, my head severely messed, I cannot eat, cannot sleep due to nightmares, I have invasive thoughts - things pop into my head at any time and I'm really struggling to deal with it all.

He has accepted he has a massive problem and wants to get whatever help he can. He is genuine in this and has begged me to stay and help him. The trouble is, who is going to help me? There seems to be so much out there for his addiction but all I can find is sites telling me how I'm feeling. I already know that! I need help to accept, move on and heal.

I am so lost. I don't know who I am anymore, I don't know who he is anymore, I'm broken, sad, depressed and have been having crazy irrational thoughts.

Is there any hope?

51 Replies 51

blondguy
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Empathic

Im very sorry that you are going through so much pain. I can actually feel your anguish in between the lines.

Your health is paramount here....not your husbands but as it is having a profound effect on your health a response is necessary about what you mentioned your husbands' addiction to porn. Its only my point of view but your husband really has a serious addiction happening here. (as you have already said)

Whether its a serious addiction as your husband has or any other addictive behavior the quickest and most effective path of help is from your GP. Your husband has had the strength to admit that he needs some help (like many others for the same addiction) and that is a huge step towards recovery.

Your GP will have the expertise to refer your husband and yourself to a psychologist that can help you both work through this difficult period. It will take determination time and patience. There is always a way out though.

Would your husband be okay to have you go with him on a visit? Excuse the question...Its just so we can help you more effectively

Just so you know I have had chronic anxiety followed by depression for 30 years....I am not a doctor but have learned a lot along this rocky road so I may be able to help others

Nearly 70 websites of porn and and increasing in intensity is not healthy in any shape or form

GP first...whether its your GP or his....a joint visit is crucial at this stage. Weekly visits will have a much better success than sporadic visits by far. I hope your husband is happy to have the frequent visits he really needs.

Please treat your health and yourself as a priority Empathic.....

There are many gentle people on the forums that can be here for you no worries at all 🙂

my kindest thoughts for you

Paul

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Empathic~

I'm very sorry to read your post here and the others in your other thread. I can't honestly find much to say that is positive.

Unfortunately things do not fall into nice neat boxes, alcohol spills over into pills and to the porn, all with depression that will be made worse as a result.

As this is the third time for the alcohol issue do you hold out any hope this time will be different? All three activities are addictive, each needing at least some specialization in treatment, plus a determination by your husband to succeed.

I don't think I'd be doing you any favors by pretending stopping these activities is anything other than a long very hard road with no guarantee of success.

I honestly think there are only two alternatives for you. To stay and manage as best you can, or go. I have no idea if you have the financial resources to go, or the mental toughness to stay. I believe, due to the addictions involved, and the very great amount of alcohol regularly consumed, a return to happier times is only a remote possibility.

Either way you are going to need to share the load. This is part medical support, to ensure you are not subject to depression or other illness brought on by the situation. Paul has been talking about this. Group, as in organizations designed to help those who have a spouse or other family member addicted to drink/drugs, and lastly personal support from family or friends to help share the load, talk and help.

This is separate from any treatment or counseling you may join to help your husband if you decide to stay.

Geoff, who you have talked with in your other thread is very experienced and may know of organizations, I only know of the division of Al-anon there to support families. Failing that try our 24/7 Help Line, number above.

Is there anyone you can rely on to help you. If you have to leave who will offer you somewhere to go, or if staying talk and care?

I think we would all very much like it if you came back and said what you thought about this

Croix

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hello Empathic, it's nice to talk with you once again, but under very extreme circumstances, that have obviously rattled you once again, but perhaps even more, and it doesn't seem to stop, so that's a real concern, not only for us but definitely for you.
You're in a state of shock and I don't blame you one bit, not only was it difficult to handle his alcohol addiction but now you've found out about the pills and all these sex porn sites, which would make any social connections and people you know to be rather awkward.
His alcohol addiction may lead onto his sex addiction, but never the less it's happened, and you aren't too sure how long it's been going on for, and he won't tell you the truth, because any addiction will make people lie either to cover their tracks or pretend it's not that bad after all, contrary to this, it is serious.
You had had great replies from Paul and Croix, but it's not just one addiction, it's three, one alone is difficult enough to overcome, but three, well I'm unsure, although in myself I know it would be impossible, and I say this because he maybe able to curtail his drinking, but with a big question mark, the pill addiction, he could go doctor shopping, making up false names as he goes from one doctor to another, plus going to different chemists, and finally his sex addiction, then what's stopping him from not going to a mates house.
Counselling is something you really to do for yourself, for him he may say that he's going to stop and convince everybody that he has, but just be much more careful in covering his tracks.
I must say that counselling for yourself will take quiet awhile to take effect if you stay with him, OK deep down you may still love him, but this has been built up over the years being together, or you may care for him, but I don't believe staying with him is going to stop him with all these three addictions.
Here are some sites for you look at:
Alcohol and Drug Foundation 1300858584
Smart Recovery Australia smartrecovery@srau.org.au 02 9373 5100
ReachOut
For Sex Addiction www.thecabinmelbourne.com.au/addiction/sex‎(03) 8539 8053
Affirmotive Sex Addction Aus. 0419430534, it's an online counselling
The Oak Centre 0448 966 281.
My very best for you. Geoff.




Empathic
Community Member
Thank you all so very much for your replies. At the moment my emotions are in full tilt and I am unable to decide on anything. I can be doing anything or be anywhere and I'll suddenly find tears running down my face. Pictures, words and objects trigger turmoil (I heard the word "image" on the radio yesterday and my heart started pounding with porn images flooding my head) i am a mess and he is a mess. He is adamant he wants help and will be the husband I deserve and the husband he always should have been. As for me I simply don't know if I will ever be able to look at him the same again. Right now I find him vile and disgusting - I do love him but will I ever be able to wonder just who or what he's thinking about?

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Empathic~

It's a very confusing and emotional time. The reaction comes in waves and makes any thoughts or plans just about impossible to decide - and is probably not the right time for decisions anyway.

May I suggest again that you get support so that in time you are able to cope and can make good decisions. Seeing your GP and talking about this, maybe going to counseling will help you reach a more even keel.

It is horrible lonely time for you when those things in your world you thought were solid turn out not to be.

We will be here to listen and talk

Croix

MrsElle
Community Member

Hello,

I just signed up to this and this forum stood out to me as I too am going through this, reading everything youre saying breaks my heart as I know exactly how you feel right now. A year ago things were going downhill once I knew the extent of it all and I felt disgusted and ultimately betrayed by this man who supposedly loved me. Things have changed dramatically for the better but my heart and mind still hurt, triggers are everywhere for me and I just dont like how I am now. I get insecure jealous sad lonely suspicious so many emotions. I wish I could give you a hug as this is one of the most isolating situations to be in, I have only spoken to my husband about how I feel which has had me in tears almost every time. It really took time but my husband genuinely wanted to change after seeing how it has affected me and Im with you on that, theres always so much help for the one who caused the damage but who heals the one who got hurt? Im still trying to figure it all out, its extremely lonely trying to heal on my own so seeing this site makes me feel somewhat normal and related to alot of these topics. I truly hope you find peace and understand (this took me a long time) that it is not your fault. Somedays I struggle really badly and other days I can manage, and other days I dont think about it, when I do get caught up in it it is the most hurtful thing as my mind spirals into every little detail and relive it. Noone wants that and I know I need help. This is a start and by knowing though unfortunate, we can relate through this, i hope if you dont find someone to talk to, youre welcome to message me as I have been thru this as well and who knows maybe we can help each other heal, take care x

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hello Empathic, we're not leaving you to suffer by yourself, those tears that just appear at any time or anywhere are so heartbreaking.
Your love for him is still there but you're totally confused, wondering whether your marriage will ever be the same and whether you could ever trust him in 5 years time, I wish we could answer this for you, and I wish we could be there with you, because deep down you are suffering so much more than how you tell us.
I still love my ex wife after the divorce, and by her doing this only means that she couldn't live with me anymore suffering from depression and self medicating using alcohol, I don't blame her, but we could never live together again, but we still keep in touch, so in other words, she had to do this so that she could move on in life.
Now she does what she wants to do , same as for myself and live for me is much better, even though I loved many stages of our marriage and what we did, but there was a line that had to be drawn, a decision had to be made, she couldn't keep living under the same roof as me, but I still love her. Geoff.

Empathic
Community Member

Update.

After 6 days and 2 counselling sessions and I'm still very messed up. So much has come to light for both of us. For him childhood and teenage memories have flooded his head which has given many reasons for his "shutting down" emotionally. He has not had a drink in all that time and has opened up to me in ways he never haas before. While all this is necessary for his healing it has left me so overwhelmed and unable to sort out the mess in my head. He is doing his best, I can see that but I seem to be resisting no doubt through fear that this will just happen again. Our counsellor and hubby have told me over and over that none of this was me, that it was him who failed but that has done nothing to lessen the pain, fear, anguish, depression or zero self esteem. I am now paranoid about how I look, how I dress, I'm obsessing about my hair colour and body. I've even been told by the staff at the gym to slow down as I was pushing myself too hard.

No matter what, at the end of the day two things just stand out screaming in my head - alcohol replaced my friendship and support and porn replaced my intimacy and love. No matter what anyone says or why this has all happened, he made that choice to replace me. Can I move past that and heal? I just don't know.

Hi,

I understand this was posted last year, but I have also recently discovered my husbands porn addiction. I am hurt, lost and not sure where to go to next. I am shattered that someone I have been with 17 years (married 10) could have been so dishonest with me all these years. The fact that he has lead a secret life throughout our whole relationship just distresses me. I now also hate myself for consistently spying on him and snooping through his phone. I have searched his laptop and even the tablet. I even put parent control blocks on our wifi! I just don't trust him! And i hate myself for that.
Last time we "discussed" this habit he broke down in tears and told me he has been watching porn at a very young age. He was at a friends place and the older brothers had it on. He has been watching or viewing porn ever since. It is the lies that hurt the most though. I am not a fan or porn as it is so degrading towards women in general and unrealistic, but the lies hurt. I found magazines but in the early days and he said he did look but would stop. And I believed him but now i think about it there has been many times throughout our relationship where the signs where there, but i would believe what he would tell me...i trusted him...but since finding hard evidence i can no longer trust him. I want to and I don't want to leave him. Knowing that this has been apart of his life from such a young age i honestly believe that he has a solid addiction. I want to help him, but am i just being naive? If a friend was in my position, i would probably tell them to leave as there is no respect. So why don't I want to leave?