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Ok, so I first came here when I needed help with my husband's depression but here I am a couple of months later and I am so traumatised and messed up in the head I don't know what to do. I knew he was alcohol addicted, I knew he was depressed but I didn't know he was popping prescription medicines or that he has a porn addiction too.

During the course of talking to my husband and hammering him for answers I decided I would do the one thing I never imagined doing, I snooped. What I have discovered has left me in absolute ruins. In December last year over the course of 3 days he searched for and visited 52 kinky websites and signed up on 13 Kinky Dating sites. When confronted he of course denied it but I wasn't having any of it. To cut a very long story short I have discovered he is addicted to porn and has even watched it at home right under my nose. The nature of the porn has gotten worse and while I haven't actually viewed any of it judging by what he was searching for I can only imagine.

My heart is shattered, my head severely messed, I cannot eat, cannot sleep due to nightmares, I have invasive thoughts - things pop into my head at any time and I'm really struggling to deal with it all.

He has accepted he has a massive problem and wants to get whatever help he can. He is genuine in this and has begged me to stay and help him. The trouble is, who is going to help me? There seems to be so much out there for his addiction but all I can find is sites telling me how I'm feeling. I already know that! I need help to accept, move on and heal.

I am so lost. I don't know who I am anymore, I don't know who he is anymore, I'm broken, sad, depressed and have been having crazy irrational thoughts.

Is there any hope?

53 Replies 53

Hi Spilman adn Empathic,

I am so sorry for what you are both going through.

I have put my wife in the same position.

When she asked why I couldnt give her a reason.

the fisrt time she caught be was in june 2018

I was embarassed and ashamed of being caught and went to counselling.

I was drinking too much and watching porn - this lead to dating sites.

Because I never meet any one- I would message people( I soon discovered there are alot of fake profiles - poepole wanting you to join other sirtes and I did this to)- couldnt understand her reaction.

I was yet to begin to fathom the hurt and pain that my actions had caused her and that she was entitled to any feelings that she wanted.

I was like - "It's only online- i'm not meeting anyone- get over it"

We continued counselling and things were on the improve - I would watch porn a little but no dating websites.

I was still drinking

Then about for about the last 3 weeks -( we started to agrue a bit more and I was still failing to see that she had the right to be angry , betrayed. we moved in with her parents - so one of our children could be closer to her primary school- I think i viewed this as a loss of controi over my life and I went back to the porn and the dating sites)

She caught me again on Saturday and this has made me realise :

1 I am An Alcoholic- I went to my first and second AA meetings yesterday

2.I have an addiction to porn

3.Neither of these behaviours have any positve consequences

I am fairly certain I have ruined my family-

I dont think my wife will ever trust me again ( and that is fair)

If she cant trust me - I do not believe that we can stay married

I have seriuosly impacted my two young childrens life by not making the correct descisions to maintain a family environment

I have not placed enough value on the things that are truly valuable - the most important people in my life- my wife and my children

I have been selfish and only concerned about me ( even though I thought I was looking after my family by being there for the kids , paying the bills etc.)

Really I wasn't - paying bills etc - thats just normal stuuf- not reallly important.

I was building connections with the kids but not my wife.

I found it really hard to talk to her , I think because I have self- worth issues , fear of being judged .

I am trying too:

place value on the really important things

Accept responsibility for my behaviours

Deal with the Consequences of my decisions.

Hi all

I am dealing with PTSD from disclosure mid-2018 of my (ex) husband's addiction to sex with prostitutes. A confession was made after he had a mental breakdown: that this started just 4 years into our 39 year marriage. Amazingly, he continues to play the victim, supported I think by his doctors! Nine months on he gets ongoing help for depression/anxiety/OCD/control issues/childhood issues/blah blah blah. No mention by him or his Drs of any work being done on his pathological lying; sex and intimacy issues; his need for emotional affairs, and the apparent moral vacuum that he thinks is a fair enough place to reside.

But that is his issue now, and I need to look after the family and myself since, no surprise really, I proceeded to my own breakdown.

Where is the support for we partners of these men? Yes, I have ongoing sessions with a lovely psychiatrist who realises I will be on medication for quite some time. How can he possibly understand? Even if my Dr was a trauma specialist, I'm not sure it would help - this is such a UNIQUE and pathetic and shameful and embarrassing form of on-going trauma. Fresh discoveries happen daily, family memories are tainted, adult children are in shock, nothing is real anymore.

I would like so much to connect with other Australian women who find themselves wading through intimate betrayal trauma. There is an excellent lady in Canada, with very specific resources exactly as needed, but this does not take the place of sharing a coffee or a chat with someone who simply knows.
So please advise any links you might have for (non-religious) non-blaming! support groups for wives of sex addicts, as it truly is a most specific hell to be in. Thank you in advance, C.

responseAble,

Thanks for your post and your insight and honesty.

I am wondering if things have changed this you last wrote and if you both are getting the help you need.

It is difficult to confront one’s in behaviour and write about in a forum .

Quirky

Carinna ,

Welcome to the forum, this is a supportive and caring place.

I can see how frustrated you feel and the need for particular support for people suffering betrayal trauma. I saw there is a conference in May for workers dealing with partners suffering with betrayal trauma in Queensland. I thought if you googled that they may have information about support groups .

This is a quote from the Conference site that may explain a little of what you are dealing with.

“Imagine being in a car accident. Out of the blue someone smashes into you. You didn’t see it coming and you were not to blame yet you are trapped, helpless, not sure who to turn to or what to do next to save yourself. The struggle to make sense of what just happened is overwhelming.”

Also you are most welcome to continue posting on this thread but sometimes people done see new threads on it, so you may like to start you own thread .

Quirky

Dear Carinna~

I'd like to join Quirky in welcoming you here. The horrible situation you face is not unknown,and sadly appears here quite often, others have been devastated in the same way. It changes everything.The whole basis of your life has altered irrecoverably.

I'm glad you have some medical support, and I agree being in contact with others who are going though, or have gone though the same can be a great thing. Feeling isolated trying to deal with all the changes to you, your circumstances, your children and all is terrible.

To be understood is a great thing, well meaning attempts may help, but are not the same.

As a first step could I suggest you give our 24/7 Help Line a call (1300 22 4636) as they may be able to let you know of any support groups in your area. I'll also mention Relationships Australia (1300 364 277) who have a Post-Separation Service that might be helpful or know of an organization that is appropriate.

Please do let us know how you go, apart from the fact we feel for you and your children there others too who just read and never post who may well benefit from any information you find out and may take strenght from your example.

Croix

Hi Carinna. I completely understand what you are going through. My husband watched porn and when he did he didnt think of anything else except himself, he never thought of the consequences of what would happen if I* discovered it.I havent told anyone of what he has done over the years as I find it to disturbing to tell. I trusted him, he was my best friend, I could talk to him about anything and now I dont feel as though I can. It would be nice to talk to someone about the feelings that I have instead of bottling them up and then all of a sudden I explode, Anyway good luck with all that you are going through, as I have seen on this page we are not the only ones going through it.

Dear Spilman~

One of the common themes reading these and other similar threads is that the person is in a world where they are only thinking of themselves, and if they think of others at all, it is probably only in terms of fearing discovery.

To be so utterly excluded from someone's life, be it becuse of porn, affairs or other things is something that simply breaks everything.You find the person you thought you knew - and relied upon as a stable part of your life, is someone else.

I know intellectually it must be the same in many ways as other addictions, but for you it is grief, pure and simple, hopefully with some anger to sustain you.

It is very hard, and even if you feel reluctant, sometimes you can find someone to understand and talk with. Their experiences many not be exactly the same, a partner that is unfaithful is close, but sharing can sometimes help. Is their a likely prospect for you in friends or family or a support group?

Croix

Unfortunately there is no one that I know of to talk to at the moment. It is hard to try and put all that has happened to the back of my mind, but sometimes it just there and I can remember everything, that is the sad thing about all that has happened. I realize I am not the only woman that this has happened to but you feel isolated and embarrassed to say something as you cant quite believe that your partner or husband of many years can do such a thing and when you confront him he lies and says he wont do it again but he does, over and over again till you dont believe him any more. idont know about the other woman but my husband just wont talk to me about it and try to explain why. He promises it will not happen again and I want to believe him but it is hard. It has been 3 months since he last watched it, I only hope he can keep it up. Thankyou for letting say things it really does help.

I’m reading all these posts and my heart hurts.

I am 26 with 5 beautiful children to my husband. He has however been a functioning alcoholic for 4 years and a porn addict I have recently discovered, for probably most of the time we have been together which is about 10 years. I feel hurt and lost. Angry and tired of his lies. Sometimes he can talk to me rationally and honestly about his problems but then at times he also swears at me and calls me names in response. He has assaulted me before. I just feel like I’m trapped and now am starting to have really awful thoughts within myself as well. He blames me, he says it’s my fault and that I should be uplifting him and to stop being judgemental. But I just am so damaged. And our kids are my number one, and I get left doing everything for them and him. He puts emotional, financial, spiritual and physical stress on me and our family and I feel like I have done this for so long now that I don’t even want to go on anymore.

What to do next? I don’t know

Hi TJ1049,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue online forums.

We are sorry to hear that you are going through a difficult time with your husband. Please know that we take reports of abuse seriously and are here to support you as much as you need.

If you are not in immediate danger and would like to reach out to a professional, 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) is a great resource that offers counselling and support services for people experiencing family violence and abuse.- https://www.1800respect.org.au/

If you are at risk of self-harm or if you are feeling suicidal, we would strongly urge you to seek help as it is really important that you take immediate steps to keep yourself safe. The Suicide Call Back Service provides provide free counselling (24/7) for suicide prevention & mental health via telephone, online & video where you can talk through any difficult moments: https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/

Keep reaching out and checking in with us to let us know how you are going when you feel up to it.