Husbands porn addiction

[Empathic]

Ok, so I first came here when I needed help with my husband's depression but here I am a couple of months later and I am so traumatised and messed up in the head I don't know what to do. I knew he was alcohol addicted, I knew he was depressed but I didn't know he was popping prescription medicines or that he has a porn addiction too.

During the course of talking to my husband and hammering him for answers I decided I would do the one thing I never imagined doing, I snooped. What I have discovered has left me in absolute ruins. In December last year over the course of 3 days he searched for and visited 52 kinky websites and signed up on 13 Kinky Dating sites. When confronted he of course denied it but I wasn't having any of it. To cut a very long story short I have discovered he is addicted to porn and has even watched it at home right under my nose. The nature of the porn has gotten worse and while I haven't actually viewed any of it judging by what he was searching for I can only imagine.

My heart is shattered, my head severely messed, I cannot eat, cannot sleep due to nightmares, I have invasive thoughts - things pop into my head at any time and I'm really struggling to deal with it all.

He has accepted he has a massive problem and wants to get whatever help he can. He is genuine in this and has begged me to stay and help him. The trouble is, who is going to help me? There seems to be so much out there for his addiction but all I can find is sites telling me how I'm feeling. I already know that! I need help to accept, move on and heal.

I am so lost. I don't know who I am anymore, I don't know who he is anymore, I'm broken, sad, depressed and have been having crazy irrational thoughts.

Is there any hope?

[smallwolf]

Hi. Sorry to read/hear about recent events. And when you said "I know we are not the only women that it happens too, but some times it feels like it" - you are right. There are many stories on the forums here from people like yourself wondering what happened, what to etc.

And when it happens you, I guess that is when you feel alone. I don't think it would be something you would necessarily talk to you friends about. So looking some sort of support group would then make sense.

And despite everything that has happened, you still are concerned for your partner. Whether you are forgiving or accepting I cannot tell. And I hope that in being part of this forum you might find comfort and strength in knowing how valuable you are.

Tim

[Croix]

Dear Spilman~

Of course it hurts - in many ways.

I thought about it then decided to give you a link, mainly so you could see the types of trauma this has put you though. It is perhaps easy to underestimate the damage to you or the factors that act as triggers to sustain the hurt -even though you feel terrible,

It is also hard to see your husband's behavior as an addiction, like drugs or alcohol, though that is what I tend to believe. Recovery from any addiction does take support, and in your situation I've no advice.

The therapist may take a more positive stance on staying together for some than you might agree with but does admit that is not the right answer for many.

www.theaca.net.au/journals/ACAMagVol18No3Spring18.pdf

Pages 6 to 14

Please do not take this as an endorsement for that writer or anything else, it was simply the words made sense to me personally.

I hope you do not feel distressed by reading this, if you start to then simply stop. My main hope is you get to realise the types of trauma and triggering you are undergoing, it may help to understand.

Sadly I do not know of a face to face support group.

You are a caring person, so no it is not silly to worry about him. Not only is the emotion and custom of so many years instilled in you but also, and here some might not agree, but as an ex-policeman I found nearly everybody I came into contact with was a mixed bag, with some really surprising sides to people.

It may sound a silly question to ask, considering all the lies and behavior, but before this all came to light did you find him a good partner? I know you regarded hm as your best friend.

Please let us know how you are going, you are not alone here

Croix

[ecomama]

Hi other victims

I ended the marriage, not at the discovery of porn which was disgusting enough, but 10y later at the disclosure of an affair. WHAT a clown. This led to the disclosures of MANY more physical affairs that spanned "my" entire marriage.

I was the only faithful one, so it was my marriage, not ours.

I consider porn infidelity. It's most certainly in the sector of sexual abuse.

I'VE NEVER been happier to end a relationship in my life. It was repulsive. I was completely & utterly abused in every possible way.

I've not regretted my decision for a nano second.
Ending that abhorrent "marriage" was the BEST thing I've ever done!

Indeed Croix is correct re: this ex anyway.... his addictions were SO many... most hidden for many years; an alcoholic, drug addict, prescription meds addict, gambling addict, sex addict - addicted to having sex with anything including sex workers.
A thief, addicted to stealing.
A criminal of the worst kind.

I couldn't stand the person I found out he was at the Discovery of that affair. I had NO IDEA who he was.

I was not going to "try" and do the "pick me dance", no way.

But he wouldn't let me leave nor would he leave, it was hell with lots of children.
The abuse spiked.
He said he'd "fight the divorce". NOT the 18th Century Thank God, women now have CHOICES our foremothers fought for.
I later found out it was ALL to do with my inheritance. And to continue what he'd started after the birth of our first children. To make me ill & cause my demise by poisoning.

So.... porn for me.... was the indicator of MUCH worse things ex was hiding.
Porn was bad enough.

It's an extremely fickle excuse to say "childhood abuse" caused me to do x y z.... NO it didn't.

Being an ADULT and making self serving CHOICES is what "made" him do it.
He wanted to.
So he did.
Simple as that.
"Overblown Entitlement" - see NPD.

If you're in a marriage with someone who displays these behaviours, my advice is to get your ducks in a row to leave.

It's a ticking time bomb in my experience.
Every tick is harm to the victim.

Women's Legal Service provides FREE legal advice over the phone. They followed my case(s) to the very end & beyond. I cannot recommend them highly enough.

Also PLEASE call 1800RESPECT - if you're going through this & experiencing trauma then it's a disrespectful relationship. They have WONDERFUL kind, supportive Counsellors & Trauma Psychologists. 24/7.

Also visit Chumplady, you'll LOVE her!

Many Blessings
EM

[geoff]

Hello Spilman, I am really sorry that this has happened once again, at least you have caught him worries me is what is he watches else where, because with a sex addiction it could be watched at a friend's house or previously on his phone or computer but then bookmarked under an unusal tile, something you wouldn't even believe you need to check or perhaps deleted it.

You are entitled to worry about him, in one way or another, but this doesn't mean you love him, and if the reverse ever happened to me and my (ex) was doing the same, I would be saying good-bye,the ramifications are enormous.

Take care.

Geoff.

[quirkywords]

Spliman and everyone on this thread and everyone reading

people keep coming back here for support even after some time.

Spilman I am glad you could come back for support but sorry for the reason. You have been given support and helpful suggestions.

I can feel the disappointment in your words when you realised what he was doing while in hospital.

Only you can decide what you want to and how you will cope.

By writing here so honestly you are helping others in a similar position.

Quirky

[spilman]

Thankyou for that link, I found some of it very interesting, some of which I can relate to. It is a very lonely world living with a man addicted to porn not knowing when it will happen again, all I can do is hope that it doesnt happen again. .

[Croix]

Dear Spilman~

I wish I did not have to be blunt, however I think you should have some sort of idea what you want to do if this behavior starts again.

Unfortunately it is an addiction, in some ways like gambling or alcohol, and the common thread with addictions is that if they are well entrenched giving up can be a series of relapses and then trying again. Professional support is a must.

I know I'm sounding dry and clinical, it is not that i do not realise the heartbreak you are feeling as this addiction is so terrible, or your uncertainty on what to do. I wish I could say something more positive.

I showed you that journal article so you could see the damage that has been done to you, when you are hurting the multiple reasons why may not be clear.

I would suggest counseling for yourself, not once but on an ongoing basis if you and the therapist 'click' - if not find another, you will know when your needs are being met.

Please let us know you you are going. You are among people that care here.

Croix

[geoff]

Hello Spilman, your husband's sexual addiction can't be controlled by anyone, only if they need help in stopping, but unfortunately, it may include a disorder where constant thoughts and wanting to act each time it may occur, either when he's alone or out in public.

I'm not suggesting what you should do, just keeping you aware of your expectations.

When an addict says they have stopped, it's your trust which you are desperately wanting and you will find out in time.

I do hope for your sake it's successful.

Take care.

Geoff.

[RebeccaS]

Hi. Can I ask with this post.... My partner has an addiction to porn which is lately for a month (that I know of) has become messaging these women on sites. Is your husband still messaging other woman and hooking up? Hope you dont mind me asking, I just am desperate to know how this typically pans out for couples. Thanks

[smallwolf]

that part is quite difficult - when you have to see a person NOT do something. Any minor lapse seems as though there was never any progress.

I have a story of a sheep wanting to get to the other end of a paddock... A windy track is what the sheep uses to get to the other side of the paddock and out the gate. One day the sheep tried a faster route -more direct. Problem was the sheep had to create this route which was overgrown, long grass, rocky, fallen branches. It didn't work. Feeling beaten, the sheep went back to the old path. The next day tried the new route again.The same problem occurred. Again went back to the old path.This pattern repeated but over time the new path became more defined and the old path was getting overgrown and started using newer path more often. Until one day... the new path became the normal was of getting to the gate and not the old path.

when a person tries to give up smoking, drinking or other addict there may be relapses. This is the sheep going back to the old path.

It will require openness and honesty on his part. And perhaps patience on your part. This is if you want to go forward together,

I cannot tell you what you should do either for that matter.

What do you want to see happen? Or change?