Absent Father

[D_J_]

My mother and father split when I was 1 1/2 years of age. He has re appeared then disappeared 6 times throughout my life. I'm 45. He promises the world and apologies profusely every time. And every time I have forgiven him, except the last time. It's been 20 years since then. He keeps track of me through my step father which is fine. I don't approve but my step father has been there for me since I was 2. I know I should probably forgive him but the hatred runs deep. Will I regret it when he passes? At the moment, no. He is a narcissist, he is very good at being manipulative and plays on people's emotions to get his way. Given that I am mature enough to understand this, should I give him another chance?

[smallwolf]

Hello and welcome.

The question you raised at the end of your post is not an easy one to answer. In different areas I have asked similar questions of myself. The only answer then I can give is there is no wrong answer. You can only make a decision based on the information available at the time. And then remind yourself of this should you need to. Any answer which may be viewed as advice can easily be wrong.

Should you change your mind that is also ok.

It sounds as though part of you thinks you should reconnect? Please tell me if I am wrong.

Finally if you did reconnect, and history repeated itself how would you feel? There is a chance it might work. As I said... There is no right or wrong response.

[Positive_vibes89]

Dear D.J,

I have been estranged from my dad for 3 years now. I understand how you are feeling because I too have a narcissistic and manipulative dad. Your dad is very selfish but also doesn't have the capacity to understand how much emotional pain he puts you through. As awful as it sounds you need to tell yourself that your dad does not have the capacity to give you the love and respect that you need. I also hate my dad too and I have a lot of relief emotionally that I made the choice to completely remove him from my life. He caused me so much emotional pain. Your dad is emotionally abusing you and it is your choice if you want to stop this from happening. This might be estrangement or limiting contact. But there is also the option of speaking with him and expressing how he makes you feel.

What do you think would be good way to end this emotional abuse?

[geoff]

Hello D.J. hope you are still checking your thread.

Even though your step dad has been there for you, it's unknown what is actually said to your father and whether he believes it.

Now that you are 45, your life, experience and knowledge would have grown immensely, so there is the possibility of trying to believe what he says he means it or the week after it will all change once again, especially as 'plays on people's emotions to get his way.'

If he wanted to get in contact with you, then this would have happened, but once again, it's left up to you to make a decision, and it's your choice whether you want to meet him so you can talk to him, and if you want to do this, then you can make a final decision.

Has your step father ever spoken of him to you, this could also decide what you want to do.

Best wishes.

Geoff.