Mothers Day Guilt

[Debbie Downer]

Hello,

I need some reassurance that I have done the right thing and am not being selfish.

My mother has schizophrenia (unmedicated /untreated by choice). I'm almost certain she is a narcissist as well due to her inability to think about the people around her.

She was an drug addict for most of my childhood and got clean when I was 11 years old when my baby sister was born. I helped her get clean - babysitting for hours while she went to NA, we moved into a refuge together until a dept of housing place came up and I helped her raise my baby sister until I move out of home at 19.

Our relationship deteriorated when I moved out and she only visited me when it was convenient or she needed something; which would usually result in her belittling me, putting me down about my achievements or pressuring me to be better.

Fast forward to now, she hooked up with an abusive asshole who uses her financially, physically assaults her and is an addict as well. She has been smoking pot again and I feel it is only a matter of time before she's on the harder stuff again.

I told her how I was feeling - heartbroken and extremely worried that she is throwing all her hard work away. I told her I love her but need to protect myself first and cannot be in her life until she gets rid of this guy because I have been having panic attacks and trauma flashbacks. She did not reply or acknowledge but told my sister I am selfish and that I need to let her live her life.

So I decided to skip Mothers day this year which is eating me up with guilt. I know that if I saw her all bruised and unwell I'd go down my own mental health spiral.

Im a mental health support worker and now I am feeling so so guilty, imagining what I'd do if she was my client, like I should have just toughened up and saw her. I know she's unwell and that she's in DV relationship which is hard to get out of. It's not her fault she is unwell and in this position but also she's not trying change, nor is she even speaking to me. Ugh. I'm so conflicted.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Debbie Downer, 

Thank you for sharing this here. We're sorry to hear you're dealing with feeling conflicted about this decision, on top of the panic attacks and trauma flashbacks you mention. It sounds like a really complicated situation. It sounds like a really complicated situation. We encourage you to take steps for your own self-care, as we imagine you'd encourage a client to do if you were you supporting someone in your own shoes.

If it would help to speak to our team as you process this and cope with the feelings it's brought up for you, we're here 24/7 on 1300 22 4636, or via online chat. We want you to know that you are not selfish, your care for your mother shines through in your post. However, you deserve to live without triggering and re-traumatising experiences, even on Mother's Day. Another great option is talking to Blue Knot about this on 1300 657 380, (available every day between 9-5 AEDT). Their counsellors work with people who have experienced complex trauma. They also have some resources on their website which could be useful to visit, particularly the pages on Survivors Self Care. 

To discuss what's going on with your mother currently, we'd really encourage you to reach out to 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732 or through online chat. If at any point you think she is in immediate danger, call 000 immediately as this is an emergency.

Thank you again for sharing this here. It might take some time for our kind community to spot your post, but we’re sure they will soon be here to offer their kind words and understanding.  

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

This thread is so me. I think I can help.

Back story- my mother has narcissism, possibly borderline PD but like yours- denial and no diagnosis. She ruined my first wedding and 25 years later threatened to ruin my second wedding. Thats when I and my sister put a stop to it all and that day 11 years ago was the last day we ever had contact with her.

So it isnt surprising we both felt some guilt and worry over our decision. It was only as we became adults that she found us a challenge as she could no longer "own us" or "control us". We had our own mind and she didnt like it. In fact in her mind we were an extension of her. If you crossed her she would hunt you down and do anything to mend the feeling of abandonment.

"She did not reply or acknowledge but told my sister I am selfish and that I need to let her live her life." Actually she is correct. She is also an adult and can make her own choices. To indicate that she should give up her man eg "and cannot be in her life until she gets rid of this guy because I have been having panic attacks and trauma flashbacks." That is actually a mild form of emotional blackmail although I do understand your desperation for saying it. Your hands were tied and it isnt easy for you to see she could be heading down a path she has been before.

I recall when a young man I was in financial strife. I gave my mother a mothers day card written inside was all my loving comments. "where's my present, all other m others get one and I am your mother" I replied "inside that card is the biggest gift you'll ever get from me" Such was my disappointment.

We should always believe after much effort that our best is good enough.

I think it is time to distance yourself from her own mistakes. You need to do as you acknowledge- to preserve yourself, surround yourself with beautiful people that one day might be so special they can become family. I have a lady 13 years older than me and she is my mum now for example.

Time is your friend, allow time to heal and reject getting caught up in family rumours or comments. Allow others to say what they want to say about your mother but between you and your mother is YOUR relationship, no one elses. YOU make the decisions.

Here is below links that can help.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/guilt-the-tormentor-

I hope I've helped. Use your wings

TonyWK