I feel alien and alone

[Echtis]

I don't know if I was like this before my trauma. I know I didn't have many friends, but I feel like I alienate everyone around me. I am just trying to be more honest about who I am.

Usually the first couple of times I meet someone, everything goes well. Then, if I don't mess it up, I sabotage the relationship in textbook avoidant behaviour. I am terrified of women especially, the nicer they are to me, the more distrustful I am. I interpret compassion as predation.

I was honest about this fear with a new friend. They... Criticised it. "Don't say it like that." They said, in a way as though I had said something deeply bigoted or offensive.

I have little to no friends. My best friend moved out into the country to get married, and I haven't seen them since. They do not respond to my offers to visit them. Before that, they did not speak to me for months.

I understand that honesty is not always the best approach especially when it comes to making and keeping friends. But I feel as though people are constantly criticising, judging, rejecting and abandoning me when I attempt genuine interactions.

I feel like I'm not good enough for anyone. I've had a historically terrible relationship with my parents, which I won't get into. Despite our past, we are closer now, and they are the closest thing I have to friends despite how confused my emotions are for them.

I honestly don't believe I am a terrible person. I believe I can be blunt, and edgy, but I don't think anything I'm doing is warranting the way I'm treated. My trauma tells me to run away and hide and that even if things go well they will fall to pieces and hurt me.

I'm just rambling now. I'm hurting a lot.

[geoff]

Hello Echtis, I'm sorry for how you are feeling and when we first meet people who we want to form a friendship with, we make jokes, tell white lies to entertain that person, just as they do with us, that may form a connection.

When we try and be honest in situations that do require this, then this is the beginning of developing trust between two people and those who criticise you for saying something, can never be a true friend, not unless you have accepted jesting between the two of you before.

Those that condemn what you have to say, without getting the chance for any discussion, may do so later on and probably wouldn't become a friend, this can happen on many an occasion, so you can't necessarily blame yourself, they may be the cause and not you.

If you'd like to tell us briefly of the trauma you have had to experience, may be able to help you more.

Best wishes.

Geoff.