Dear Positivityshine~
I'd like to give you a very warm welcome here to the Forum, a place where you may find refreshing perspectives. You sound an intelligent, caring, protective and loving person and I think your family is lucky to have you.
As a person who has undergone repeated trauma, ending with PTSD and other issues I know that there is a lot I did not remember for a long time. In fact it was only in later life some of the incidents came into my memory.
My psychiatrist suggested that was starting to happen becuse my mind was now in a position to cope with them - it had not been before. Perhaps there is a parallel here.
Having a lovely family may have helped you reach that stage, however by the way you say "lack of self esteem, disengage and shameful " together with a porn makes me wonder if you may be stuck having the memories but still feeling the highly injurious effect those experiences had on you.
I've not been able not deal with my past (which was not the same trauma as yours) and eventually things got so bad I had to seek assistance - otherwise I would not be here talking to you now:)
You have taken the first and most difficult step already, by talking of your experiences here. True you are anonymous and are talking to strangers however it is more of a start than you might realise.
Trying to combat shame, lack of self esteem, self-blame and disengagement are big hurdles to overcome, however it is possible as I found out. Even when conscious of my past I left it a very long time before disclosing it to anyone.
In my case it was my wife, who promptly took me for clinical assistance. While I'd strongly encourage you to tell someone who can help I"m not suggesting it has to be your wife, perhaps a GP might be better for you.
Trying to talk to a GP - even in an extended appointment - may seem impossible, partly as a face to face conversation is daunting, and partly becsue there is a strong temptation to leave some things out. One technique was that is a real help is to simply write your past, and how you feel now in point form and hand over the paper.
Taking a couple of days to write this means it comes out logically and in its entirety, nothing left out. I have found using this I've only had to answer questions on what I wrote, not try to explain things from scratch.
You have suffered serious repeated injuries from selfish heartless people and as with any injury it does take assistance for healing to take place properly. For some reason I simply do not understand I blamed myself, and suspect you blame yourself too. A very common human problem - completely undeserved
I think I've said quite enough for one post so will leave it there for now.
You know you are always going to be welcome here.
Croix
