Hey everyone, thanks for letting me join. I don’t usually post about
this stuff, but I’m really struggling and honestly feel hopeless right
now.Trigger warning: trauma, sexual assault, suicidal thoughts. Please
take care reading.I’m 33, autistic, and...
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Hey everyone, thanks for letting me join. I don’t usually post about
this stuff, but I’m really struggling and honestly feel hopeless right
now.Trigger warning: trauma, sexual assault, suicidal thoughts. Please
take care reading.I’m 33, autistic, and my wife and I are doing IVF
(near the end of our first cycle). We’re both asexual due to trauma, so
her GP referred us to a bulk-billing clinic since we can’t have
intercourse. My wife is handling her trauma incredibly well despite all
the pain and discomfort of IVF. It’s me who’s falling apart.I’m a
survivor of childhood sexual assault and kidnapping. When I was 5, I saw
my mum drugged and brutalised while we were held for 4 days. I’ve
carried this my whole life. Even after years of therapy, it sits under
the surface, and when I get triggered, I spiral for weeks. There’s also
a smaller trauma from age 9, I woke briefly during surgery and fought
the nurses. It left me with a huge aversion to anesthesia. In 2 weeks,
my wife has her egg collection. It involves anesthesia and a really
invasive procedure. I’ve been terrified for months. I’m constantly in
fight-or-flight, unable to socialise or get anything done, just
catastrophising nonstop. What’s making it worse is the clinic. We
disclosed our traumas upfront. They acknowledged hers and offered
accommodations, but mine felt ignored. One doctor told me I’d “be fine”
since I’m not the one having the procedure. The next acknowledged my
trauma but said my requests (staying with my wife until she’s under, and
being told immediately when it’s over) “aren’t possible due to
protocol”. No apology, nothing. We had mandatory counselling, and the
psychologist agreed I’d been alienated. She put a note in our file
asking for reasonable accommodations. My therapist backed this up too.
But in our latest nurse consult, she said she saw the “critical note”
but that protocol makes it “too disruptive to change on the day.” I just
shut down and left the call. Now my dread is only getting worse. My
wife’s sore and irritable from the meds and can’t keep dealing with my
breakdowns. I feel like I’m ruining this for her, making it all about
me, and being punished for something I never chose. IVF was supposed to
help us work around my trauma, but instead, it’s retraumatising me. If I
get through egg collection at all, I’m seriously thinking of just
leaving my sample and ending my life so she can keep going without me
ruining her dream.Thanks for reading.
PTSD for Medical and First Responders
