i don't know if it counts

[yeah]

during my last relationship we moved so fast things were happening quicker than i thought. i thought i was ok doing them but now i feel so dirty and regret it deeply and wish i could go back and change what happened. halfway through doing stuff i regretted it and just wanted to cry. why do i feel like this?

[quirkywords]

Welcome to the forum, guest .

I think that when relationships move quickly it can seem  exciting  at the time but afterwards when one reflects on what  happened one may regret that things went so quickly.

Are you still seeing the person…? 
I know I have to accept what happened and try to learn what happened with out blaming myself. It can be easy to get taken away in a moment of passion. 
Thanks again for reaching out. 

[yeah]

i ended the relationship a while ago because it took a big toll on my mental health 

[quirkywords]

Yeah how do you feel now some time has passed.

i hope ending the relationship will give you clarity.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi yeah,

I’m guessing that maybe, by saying “I don’t know if it counts”, you are wondering if what you experienced is like a kind of trauma. Sometimes if there is physical intimacy we didn’t really want it can feel that way. I struggle with intimacy because of past experiences so I understand it can leave you with feelings and memories you might not want. I’m wondering have you been able to talk with a therapist about it? It can be helpful for working through these things and help alleviate some of those discomforting feelings. Such feelings can be really understandable and talking it through with a trusted person can help process the feelings. Otherwise sometimes those feelings get lodged in us and kind of play out unconsciously, surfacing here and there as uncomfortable memories. Sometimes there is somatic work too you can do to feel safer and more comfortable again in your body. I hope you are doing ok.

Best wishes,

Eagle Ray

[sbella02]

Hey, thank you so much for reaching out to us, and welcome to the Beyond Blue community. 

I'm sorry to hear that this has caused you so much distress. I can understand why. I have been in similar situations before, from experiencing pressure to act in a certain way, to relationships that have progressed too quickly.

The first thing I'd like to make clear is that it's not your fault, and that you're valid in how you're feeling. It can be difficult to be the one to slow things down when they're moving quite quickly. Lust can also cloud your judgement, particularly if there's pressure from another person, and it can lead to moments that we later regret or wish we hadn't engaged in. 

It has been many years since the first time I felt pressured to engage in something that I later felt disgusted with myself about, and it took me a long time to stop blaming myself for it and realise that it wasn't my fault. I began viewing it less as something to regret and more something that I can learn from, which has also become a lot easier the more that time has passed. I am still learning from it, particularly how to set and communicate boundaries such that I don't find myself in that kind of situation again. I've also learnt that not everybody has good intentions, and that people who have a history of manipulating others are generally aware of how their behaviour affects people.

These are just things that I've learnt from my own experiences, your realisations and conclusions may be quite different. If you're feeling like you need to process what has happened, a good way to do this is to write it down in your journal. It can be quite therapeutic to expel everything from your mind to a physical medium in a healthy way, and it's a good way to organise your thoughts. In the same vein as journalling, creative outlets can be a good way of processing distressing events in general - singing, painting, anything like that, if these are activities that you would enjoy. 

I hope this is helpful, and feel free to keep chatting with us if you'd like. We're here to listen.

Take care,

SB