39 year marriage and mental abuse

[Broken_and_binned_]

I left my husband 3 months ago, and I am having trouble with him gaslighting me as well as love bombing me.

He has another young woman in his life who is younger than our youngest daughter, but keeps lying about everything, and blames me for his infidelities.

He says extremely nasty things to me about my body and my mental situation which he has put me in over the years. This has become so bad that I have turned into something I am not, and that being nasty and hateful like him, but that isn’t me at all!

I am teetering on the edge, and the hurt is too much. I can’t stop shaking, tears just flow at any moment, and the anxiety is out of control!

I want this to end, and even though I have left him, it’s getting worse, and the love I have for him won’t shut off!

He called it quits on our marriage and informed me that he wasn’t in love with me anymore and felt like that on and off for about 30 years! He wanted me out of our home as I said to him “I spose you want me to get out as well”, and he said yes, so I did. It was a hard thing to do giving that I love him, but considering his explosions in the past, I really had no choice. It was fear that helped me get out!

He has accused me of sleeping with everyone he knows, which I haven’t, and I have been devoted to him since I was almost 15 years old!

There is so much to this non story, but I don’t want to divulge too much as I am feeling really stupid, used, and discarded about pretty much everything in life!

I don’t know if he is Schizophrenic or has NPD, but his paranoia is over the top!
My head just spins out of control and I can’t eat. I can’t think. I can’t go to sleep then when I do I wake numerous times through the night, and sometimes I wake having a panic attack!

Teo of our three kids, adults actually, and our grandkids, won’t have anything to do with him, so I am blamed for that.

He forgets that our three kids have been there and seen as well as heard what happened in our home, but thinks they’re so n so’s for thinking that anything bad was happening! He was just abusing their mum verbally, or he threw a hot cup of coffee over me which they seen, my car keys thrown on the house roof, and much more!

I’m actually, or was a fun and comical person so everyone is telling me and now this has happened, my family and friends are not only shocked, but can now understand why I became a distant and sad individual!

My heart is shattered to bits and my whole persona has left earth it feels.

Does this ever end?

[Broken_and_binned_]

Now I get it….

Well, it was a weird unsaid thing if you can understand! Anything that he wasn’t happy with, I knew to not go there as I used to years ago. When I stood up for things or if I had a great time visiting my best friend, he was instantly annoyed! If I said that someone was nice of the opposite sex, instantly he would snap “so you wanna @&$! them”, and even one female friend that I had he said the same so that friendship ended.

There is sooo much more to reveal about what I have endured, and a mountains worth of mind games…. I am exhausted..

I short answer for your question is yes. Yes I am happy I left.

I just feel trapped still and on guard waiting for something! The same as being with him.

Does that make sense?

[white knight]

"I just feel trapped still and on guard waiting for something! The same as being with him."

As someone with severe anxiety for much of my 65 years (overcame it 10 years ago) that was caused by a mother that yelled without warning at the slightest hint I'd done something wrong as a child, I was never aware enough so I'd be ready for her voice. Hence I ended up jumpy.

Your have been abused and now you are expecting him to control your life even though he is absent. Now, If I told you my mother is now 90yo and even though I havent seen her (my choice) for 11 years, I am still scared of her! In fact, I'd go further- if she died tomorrow I would still be scared of her until I passed away. That is "programming". You are programmed to be controlled as if he owned you.

I have a saying "tyrants never win". If you take into account every tyrant in the history of man eg Hitler, Gaddafi, Hussein, Starlin etc. Tyrants also live in families. There is no need to mention that many behaviours/actions he's done, I can guess. I've lived much of my working life and defence life with men and I know them.

You can set out a plan at this stage even though it's early days.

• Protection- Take all necessary steps to sever any contact with him. Utilise a solicitor if needed to do it legally eg that he must contact your solicitor to communicate.
• Security- If he violates your right to privacy and that is intolerable then you'll need a court order to keep him away. Commonly they work for 12 months.
• Personal growth- hobbies, sports, special interests, clubs. Keep busy so your mind empties itself as much as possible from him
• Channeling energy- helping others can be a rewarding interest. That will cause you to value yourself.
• Positivity- do you realise that many women in a similar situation is reading your thread here and learning to be independent and strong to stand up to their men!
• What do you think?
• TonyWK

[Broken_and_binned_]

I think you misunderstood what I meant.

I am waiting for the proverbial to hit the fan, so in essence, I am waiting for his reaction, which might be really bad!

I feel ill knowing what he’s capable of, but hasn’t been like for a number of years, however, it’s always in the back of my mind that one day, he will revert back!

[white knight]

Well the reality is, you can't do anything about any action he chooses to take. Only action that's illegal can be acted upon.

TonyWK

[I_learnt]

Hi,

I found it very helpful when I was advised many years ago after leaving an abusive relationship that the love I felt for my partner would eventually die. This was extremely helpful because I hated myself for feeling that I wanted to go back to him. When a relationship ends you need time to grieve. It does get easier with time.

[white knight]

Thanks I learnt

Also helps when one seeks love again and realises you can find someone more ideal. If that's a desire.

Great to see you here.

TonyWK

[ThrivingNow]

Hi Broken and binned!

That's a tough nickname. I left a narc but did not know what one was until after. Lies. Misdirection. Blame shifting. Control. Gaslighting. Escalating to assault. Withholding children. Dragging matters out in court.

I understand that people with this personality type need the attention of empathic people to feel better about themselves. Empathic people, particularly if trauma bonded, can continue to deliver the attention that they crave. What I am trying to say is that you sound like the healthy one. Someone who doesn't need to run things by your ex for their approval. Someone who has the capability to move on with some understanding and support.

I recommend packing a picnic one sunny day and taking yourself to the beach or to a park. Open up YouTube and search for the channel run by HG Tudor. Listen to the content on his channel. Every now and then you will have an aha moment. One of his key messages is that No Contact is essential to move on. Set up a new email address. Update all the places where your old one was registered. Block your ex on social media.

If you have any concern about physical harm, install a CCTV WiFi camera that can send alerts to your phone. Make it visible from the street. It will act as a deterrent and provide you some reassurance.

All the best.

[Witchy76]

Hi I am reading everything and getting tips. I also am being gaslit, mentally abused, controlled etc and am stuck in the marital home, working on that one,

I agree keep busy , you got this , exercise helps me to feel better , clearer mind

Ali

[Makka84]

You are all guardian angels.

This feelings will end,feel what you need to feel,cry all you need to cry.

Be strong for your kids,they will be your rock.

For each negative thought you have counteract with a positive

There is light at the end of the tunnel x