29 years of not dealing with being sexually abused as a child.

[Richie01]

Hi, This is my second thread. I feel like i needed a new one as last night, i felt like there was light but today, that light has gone again.

Im not sure how much detail is appropriate here but holding in everything just consumes everything in me.

When i was a child, i was abused for around four years by one of our neighbours, im not exactly sure, it doesnt feel like time actually progressed in days and years, more in events. I dont remember a day being a day, i remember and still sometimes measure time in times between memories (f that makes sense to anyone other than me). There were so many times i was attacked, so many things that happened that i remember in clear detail and feel the exact emotions i felt at that exact point in time. I cant go into detail, im pretty sure that a rule here but god i want to let it out. Just so its not in my head. I dont know if it will help but i feel it might. The threats he made, the way he made me feel, from hated to loved and everything in between. Those feelings have never left me. The reason they never have is what follows.

He and his family finally moved away, back to India of all places and my dad actually made me come with them to the airport to say goodbye.He even got them maccas on the way! I cant ever remember him getting me maccas ever!!!!! Shortly after this, i was at our other neighbours house, their son was in his mid 20s and was always really nice to me, let me pay his computer as we didn't have one. Talked to me about things i never talked to my family about...He was a friend. One day i told him what had happened, i dont remember how much i told him but i remember his reaction. He asked me if i had told anyone, else. When i said no, he told me good,to never tell anyone then he gave me a hug, then he told me to sit on his bed. I wont say what happened next, you know what im about to say.

That went on until i was in grade seven. I know that because we moved and i started grade seven at a new school. Since then, i have lived with this. I want to go into the feelings i have about it, i want to talk about my complete fear of trusting anyone, ever. I want to talk about why i have no friends, why i hurt the one person i have ever loved and lost her and have forced my children to now face a future without me being there like im supposed to be. I want to talk about the dreams and the hopes and the fears, about the want to move on but the fear of that.

Im at a cross roads where i dont know what to do.

Thanks.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Richie01,

We are so sorry to hear of the terrible abuse you have gone through during your childhood. No child should ever have to endure what you have been through, and it is understandable that this has affected your ability to trust others. You've shown so much strength in sharing your story and reaching out here. Please know that this is a safe and supportive place to discuss your thoughts and feelings, and things really can improve. We also just want to let you know that we are currently getting in touch with you via email.
Feel free to keep us updated here on how you are going, whenever you feel ready.  

[Soberlicious96]

Dear Richie,

Well done on reaching out, and talking about such a difficult topic. I am so sorry to hear that this happened to you, as it has to so many others, including myself. Your story rings true to my own experiences, as I also had multiple abusers in my life, when I was also a young child. And yeah, I too do not remember 'timelines' as such, but more like details and feelings and thoughts.

When I finally, really spoke up about what had happened, it was 20 years after the fact. I began keeping journals so that I could write it 'out' of my head, and bring it into the light of day, thereby reducing it's power over me, and going to counseling as well. Having a professional to talk to was such a relief. and yeah, to have the 'detail' written down in my journal, helped to give my experience validation. Because one of the things I felt while I let it keep rolling around in my head, was that it wasn't real ....... but putting it in writing in a journal, helped to make it real, and therefore more recoverable from, if that makes sense? I just felt like I might never recover from it, if I couldn't somehow make it a bit more realistic.

And yeah, while you can't put too much detail on here, you can in a journal, and maybe even in the privacy of a room with a professional counselor. Do you think that is something you could consider doing?

I do hope that you would perhaps consider talking to a counselor about your experiences. I know it helped me immensely. Of course, the choice is yours though. I'm no professional myself. Just a fellow survivor.

Anyway, please do take care and feel free to come back here as much as you like. We will be here for you and with you, for as much support as you need.

Take care, I'll be thinking of you. xo

[Richie01]

Thanks. I know exactly what you mean about it ‘not feeling real’. It’s a very lonely place to be. Questioning every thought but ultimately knowing the answers before you even ask.
I want to speak with someone, I want so much to move past this. I know it will never go away, it’s who I am, it’s everything I am at the moment....

ive been thinking so much about this lately, it’s probably the one thing that is constant in my mind. I can have a conversation with someone and not remember a word I said yet have a complete recall of a moment from my past that was playing over and over in my head at the same time. It’s gotten out of control.
i will be honest, I think I’m scared of getting help and it working. I’ve avoided help for so long, I’ve pushed the most important people in my life away, hurt them because I couldn’t deal, made them feel like they were the cause of my anger because I couldn’t in any way explain what was really going on. It was never their fault. But now, what if I do get help? What if it works? Why did I wait so long and lose so much? Why was I so weak? I feel like I’m getting to grips with it, I should feel good about that but I feel so guilty that I couldn’t do this earlier. I feel like if I achieve what I want, I will regret it. I don’t know if that makes sense. Because to me it doesn’t. I shouldn’t feel guilty about getting help but I do. I feel like I’m less of a man for asking for help. Maybe I’m talking myself out of it, I know I’m scared, I have been scared most of my life. But I’m starting to bring it up in conversations now, I broke down in front of my boss today..... he asked me about my kids and I just started crying and told him I’ve been so scared I wouldn’t be able to protect them, I’ve been scared since the day they were born that I wouldn’t be able to keep them safe like I wasn’t kept safe. This all started to get out of control after they were born, I love them and their mother so much. How could I tell them that. How does a father fear for them rather than live for them. I’m so lonely through this, I feel like no one cares about me. No one asks how I am, but I know that’s my fault. I just want them to know why and that I am so sorry for everything I am.

[GimZim]

Hi Richie

I first want to say how brave I think you are, you've gone through so much and reaching out is so hard. I understand what you mean with being afraid to seek treatment. I felt for a long time that I wasn't worth "fixing" and then afraid of the time I'd wasted by not doing it sooner. What I found helps is thinking of other people in my situation, how I'd feel about them seeking help, would I think that was a waste of time? Absolutely not, so I apply that to me too.

And worrying about time wasted, we can't change the past which I guess is what this treatment is all about, healing from our past. I take strength in knowing helping myself will improve the lives of those around me.

I got diagnosed with C-PTSD and started seeing a psychologist about two years ago and it's one of the best things I've done. My history was like yours in some ways (childhood and multiple abusers at different times).

I hope you seek medical help as it's improved my life immensely and I don't want anyone to feel the way we do.

Soberlicious

I began keeping journals so that I could write it 'out' of my head, and bring it into the light of day

I've been doing this with my psychologist, timelining, and it's helped so much. I could remember all these traumatic events but not the order, it was just a chaotic blur in my mind. It's been much easier to process and work through since. It's very difficult though.

Sorry for any formatting issues, I haven't used a forum in a few years and I'm using my phone. Take care.

[Richie01]

Thanks Grim Zim,

I know you are right. I know i need help because ive been here before and i made some really really bad choices. If i didnt have my children and a faint hope that i can repair the damage i have caused with my partner, i have no question that i would not be on this forum or anywhere else to be honest.

Ive spent the last five or six years trying to keep myself together with no choice but to do it alone. People dont understand that, that its impossible to explain to them what is wrong. That you would do and say anything to prevent that from coming out, that if it did, it would feel like everything would collapse around me, that everything i had built to protect myself would be gone and that the fear of losing what little strength i had was so overwhelming that i were terrified of the thought of it. That im scared of losing you but im more scared of losing you because you know what ive been through. That you love someone so much that the thought of them seeing your real pain, the soul consuming depression you live with every day, the thought of exposing them to that, the feeling of putting them through the thought of the real hurt, that gives me more pain than anything he did to me. Yet ive hurt her so much more by doing that, i just didnt see it. Im so lost.

I want to explain it to the people i need to, i want to talk with a professional and find ways to change that part of me. How can i be so ready now but at the same time, so frightened to take the steps towards it???

I used to write journals, my father went through my stuff just before i turned 18. He read some of it and approached me about it, saying he was a failure to let this happen. He had already spoken to other people about it before he told me. i didnt want anyone to know, it was mine and he took that from me. Ive never written about it since. Im not scared to. Thats a lie, im scared to, im scared to talk, to write, to show emotion about it. I can talk about it here, its kind of a neutral place for me. Like im talking to myself in a way because no one knows who i am. Talking or writing, someone can hear it, someone could find it.... Sounds like paranoia as i type it, i need to stop it. I need to talk.

Sorry, im just spilling out everything now, i have to admit that it feels good to. Really good to.

Did you find it hard to get the right help? Ive seen a couple of Psychologists but struggle to open up, it just feels wrong. Is it me, am i doing that or is that normal? Im just lost.

[Aaronsis]

Hi Richie01

I just wanted to stop in and say hello and it is great to see you reaching out and leaning on this community for support in what is a really frustrating and confusing time for you. I think you are so very brave and the internal battle you are fighting with speaking and healing and being exposed V's remaining quiet and "dong what you have always done".

You have received some really wonderful advice and support here and I am so proud of you for speaking up and speaking out here, if this is all you can manage for now, that is fine also. I know you feel like you should have done this and that earlier and why have you not, well, you perhaps weren't ready, you needed to learn some things in the meantime to get you to this point. I think you are learning so very much Richie01.

Keep talking and great to see you back here.

Hugs

Sarah

[Soberlicious96]

But now, what if I do get help? Getting help is a scary thought, I know, because you don't really know what that help is going to 'look like' or how it's going to play out. I got help from a counseling service that specialized in helping survivors of sexual abuse. I didn't go to a 'general' counselor. I wanted to know I was going to the right place, for the right thing.

What if it works? Yeah, fear of success, I get that too. We tend to tell ourselves, even subconsciously that if this 'works' and we 'get better' that we no longer have our own permission to have a bad day again. But that is a MYTH, and a lie. We all have bad days from time to time, but success, in this instance, is in learning to live with the memories without them taking over every moment of every day. Success, in this case, is with this issue only. It doesn't mean that you are never allowed to be sad or angry or anything again. Nor does it mean that you are never allowed to get help for other things either. Success, in many areas of life, is an ebb and flow kind of thing.

Why did I wait so long and lose so much? I think it just takes what it takes. there are many MANY people that take a long long time to face up to childhood abuse. And perhaps part of that is because the mind of a child is very different and not as developed as that of an adult, and the different development stages mean that we tend to understand different things at different times in our lives. What did not make sense at age 10, suddenly makes sense at age 20 to 30. The brain is a very complex machine, and perhaps it wasn't so much about 'waiting so long' as it was that it just took the time that it took.

Why was I so weak? You were NOT weak. Please don't say that about yourself. You were a child and powerless over the actions of others toward you. You were a child, and I'll say it again; you were, and ARE NOT weak. In fact, you are now getting stronger with each time you talk about it and bring it out into the light.

Take care, and keep coming back here as much as you like. Am keeping you in my thoughts. xo

[Guest_1643]

Hi Richie, Aronsis, GimZim, Soberlicious and Sophie. Waves to anyone reading, too.

Richie, thank you so much for sharing. Relate to so much of what you've wrote. it is painful that it takes so long to name/identify and heal from abuse. Small thing but I feel that when the body and mind are ready, although it takes a long time to get to that place, the healing can begin and you can see growth and find relief quickly. There are always ups and downs and it's never "over" but I hope the jounrey can also have a lot of "wins" amongst the painful times.

I used to write myself and then after traumatic experiences I never felt safe to write anymore, even if i'm alone I have a fear that someone will read it....

I feel that trauma can affect in complex ways. I also feel that you are brave and strong in sharing here and being able to say what was too painful to say at other times. You have every right to be heard. Sending you strength and care, to get through this challenging time

[Richie01]

I just want to push all of this away again and walk away from everything. I hate how i can want to make the changes and find the help i need one day then wake up the next day and just want to go back to everything i have always done. I feel like im two people. Strong and sure of who i am one second and then completely hopeless and lost the next. Yesterday i was planning on so many positives when i go home from a month at work. Toady, i just cant see what i could yesterday. I dont have a home, i have no where to go. I feel like there is nothing there, that everyone has already forgotten i ever existed and are happier for it. Maybe thats better, maybe i owe my children and my partner, sorry, my ex partner a chance to grow up and enjoy life without me, without me trying to be the man they deserve. They would be better off. I want to fight for them but i cant even get myself right. Im so sick of this, its like my mind just wants to ruin everything, like i want so much out of life, i want to be so much to so many people but i cant get past myself. I have done more damage than those people ever did. They only hurt me, they only ruined my life. I have hurt so many people trying to forget them and what happened. Who is worse? The monsters who broke my mind and body over and over or the monster i am who lets everyone who cares about me down, who can love so much but show the opposite. I just want to disappear, im the real monster in my life, I have caused everything bad in my life since they left me to be alone in the world, i get that now. Maybe i couldnt help it but i shouldnt have dreamt i could be happy and dragged anyone else down with me. I hate my mind, i hate me.

This is who i am, i dont know if anything will ever change that. Im sick of the hope of life being better. Its easier to accept that i am who i am. As much as i dont want to.