Stay home or move out?

[Hayfa]

It has been a long held tradition in my culture that children should not move out of home until they are married or if they are working overseas whereupon usually they would live with, or close to relatives. Times have changed in my culture and of course kids leave home if they want to.
I think back to when I was growing up where it was almost a forbidden conversation to have let alone actually leaving home, and if someone in my community did leave home it was assumed that the child was a rebel, badly behaved, not living according to traditional convention, and causing parents grief.

I have found myself reacting the same way to my older girls when they joke about leaving home, I become defensive and say that no one lives outside of the home until they marry or if their work dictated that they must travel, but this is just the mum in me that makes me want to protect them and look after them as much as I can. Perhaps to be honest, I am a bit conservative, I live by my cultural views and traditions which I do teach to my kids because this is part of our cultural traditions and identity.
I am probably lucky that my kids are too comfortable at home and don't want to leave anyway but I often wonder about the ones that fight their parents on it and are met with resistance.

My husband thinks the way I do and would never support the idea of them leaving home to live alone however, he does say that i am to blame for spoiling them and not expecting them to help much around the house. My response to this, they will leave one day, probably marry and marriage won't always be a walk in the park so why not let them live enjoyably and comfortably while they can.
I feel I have pushed them to learn and take responsibilities, I would rather help them when they need help such as if they are stuck with payments etc, I think that by expecting them to go it alone if they are not ready could set them up for anxious times ahead.

I am interested to hear other views on this subject since in some Eastern and European cultures the traditions are similar or the same as I have described mine to be. Is kids leaving home in other cultures different and why?

[Donte]

Hi Hayfa,

Such an interesting thread! I’m of a Greek background and traditionally the same used to apply at the time I was growing up in Greece.

I left home when I got married at 25 and that was the only acceptable and culturally appropriate thing to do.

My daughter turned 22 yesterday, I didn’t raise her with the same values I was raised. I didn’t teach her the language of my origin or the traditions and customs. I didn’t christened her or passed on the religious heritage.

Even though, I’d love her to move out of home at some point soon, I wouldn’t care if this happened through marriage.

She already pays rent and bills living with me as she works full time and I believe that as an adult she should contribute financially and otherwise in the household she’s a part of.

My fear seems to be the opposite to yours. She seems so happy and comfortable to live with me that I wonder if she’s ever actually leave any time soon. I sometimes jokingly say to her ‘ you’re not going to be like those Greek children who stay at home till their forties are you?’, to which she replies: ‘probably!’ (I’m doomed!) hahaa

I do have a fear at some level that as a single parent I’ll never do my own thing if she remains at home until her 30’s or longer, but on the other hand, having raised her alone, I often wonder what my life would be like without her and without the parenting/caring role that has given me so much meaning and purpose in life the last two decades.

Ultimately, I want her to be happy and live a life that satisfies her, no matter if marriage is part of that. Whatever she decides to do in her life I’ll be always there for her even if I don’t agree or support her choices.

Our children are not ‘ours’ per se. We just bring them to life and raise them and try to give them the best opportunities and resource them so they can develop resilience and be able to open their wings and fly away when they’re ready.

That’s all I desire for her.

My parents on the other hand, left me the moment I got married and returned to Greece where they have lived the last two decades. The moment I got married and started my own family they felt they didn’t need to be around anymore. Their duty ended.

There’s no right or wrong way to do things. Culture, like the people who subscribe to it, is a living and ever changing thing. One size never fits all. X

[kanga_brumby]

Hayfa' Hi my heritage goes back in several directions the one that seems to push through in my family is Italian Donte put it so well.

I left home at the age of 22. Probably the one of the worst decisions of my life. I was not really ready for the responsibilities of life away from my parents. I know this now, but now I have the wisdom to impart to my children what I never had. If your children know how to cook, clean, and know that they have to pay their bills or have their power, gas, or water cut off. Or get evicted from the place they live in. If they are responsible enough and you have taught them well. Don't panic, be the good mother bird and let the ( child go) bird fly.

Peter

[Donte]

Hello Peter, (and wave to Hayfa)

You’ve made a very important point!

Preparing our children and resourcing them with resilience and life skills is probably one of the most important thing we can do as parents, together with loving them unconditionally and accept their choices.

Often in various communities we see parents (especially amongst many migrant families) who give everything to their children, over and beyond their capacities and at their own detriment.

Due to the hardships they’ve endured back in their country of origin, and the challenges and difficulties faced here upon arrival, many tend to overcompensate by providing everything to their children, not wanting them to suffer the way they did when they were younger. As a result it is not uncommon to have children who do not comprehend the sacrifices and hard work parents have put in, investing in their life, education etc and they develop a ‘dependency’ upon each other.

It is common nowadays for children to stay at home much longer, sometimes well into their thirties, as the cost of living is very high and if they’re studying, tertiary courses require many years and money.

It is also common for adult children to return back to the family home after a separation, loss of job, mental breakdown etc.

In both cases, one thing remains: these ‘children’ are not children anymore, they are fully growing adults. If they choose to remain at home well into their twenties and thirties and/or choose to return back to their parents home, they should live like adults, contributing financially, doing shopping and cleaning etc.

The relationship of parent/child changes and becomes an adult/adult. Often this is hard for both parties, and especially parents, and our cultural norms and values may hinder this process. However, as very well described in your post Peter, mother bird has to push the young birds over the edge so they’re forced to fly.

A comforting thought for those who have been through migration, leaving parents and family behind etc is that we have survived! Life situations have forced us to develop resilience and thrive amongst adversity.

At the end of the day is not the duration that our children live with us or how they ‘exit’ our nest, but most importantly their ability to make decisions and face the consequences of their actions in a responsible manner. If we manage to teach these skills to them while with us, then they’ll be ready to survive anywhere and under diverse circumstances.

[Hayfa]

Hi Peter,

Thank you so much for your post and for describing your experience of leaving home at age 22 which taught you many wise things that you then imparted on your children.
I know I have to let them go it alone one day when they are ready, I am just a protective mumma bird I guess!
You are right when you say it is not the duration of their stay at home with us but their ability to make decisions and face the consequences of their actions responsibly.

I have always said to my kids that i can only give you as much information that I can and hope that you make good choices from that information.

Hayfa

[Hayfa]

Hi Donte'

you are right, some parents do overcompensate because they do not want their children to suffer they way they did, although I think there is more to why they offer their children so much, in many Eastern, Asian and European cultures the unit of society is the family. Everything is decided and done with the family in mind and decisions are taken as a family especially the patriarch taking the lead, there is also a cultural expectation that children help their parents as they age. I think there is a mutually exclusive understanding of helping one another during the growth process of each, I know that overseas this is generally the tradition in life and it is accepted and works well.
Perhaps what we are witnessing is the inter-generational issues and acculturation of our children in Western society and our struggles as parents to accept these changes. Of course as we move from generation to generation, old cultural traditions and ideas start to phase out in favour of new traditions and ways of doing things and seeing the world. But somehow, I am sad at this thought because I still want to remember traditional ways and ideas because they are not necessarily bad, they can be a part of you and your cultural identity and your background. There have been many times where I have said I am proud that my parents were strict and raised me in a certain way because looking back I think it was for the best since it helped me make better choices and it has made me into the person I am today even if I might not have thought so at the time. I also think that it was their help and love that helped me stay strong mentally.

Hayfa

[Donte]

That’s lovely Hayfa,

I agree. It is about choices. Everyone should be free to choose whatever represents them.

Culture is constantly changing. Not only in Australia with children of migrants but globally! No point getting sad. Just go with the flow.

[Donte]

Long time ago my parents took me by the hand and I didn't ask them where we were going.
I told them that with them I wasn't afraid. They provided security and stability and I didn’t know where else to turn.


There’s a time when my mother and father were my leaders. I used to look up to them like gods. Couldn’t fathom that they are not invincible and that they’re also fallible.


They locked our house twice, took my brother and I and we came to Australia.


Upon arrival, when they saw us scared, misplaced, everyone in our community surrounded us like ravens. We mostly were not welcomed as we were perceived as a threat to their traditions and customs. To their religious beliefs. We were not of the same faith you see. And we were not accepted in their midst.


And as an adolescent I sharpened my nails and my mind
with a tremble, with a fear for my leaders not to crumble.


And the years started to flow and no promise of return as our homeland was up and down politically and economically, and fear became our regime.


I was afraid that they would knock my dear parents down and then
I became their leader!


And just when I started to define my role in this family, love came to define me
and I got entangled into the transaction,
the love affairs put me in the middle...


My parents didn't want me to get hurt but my loves didn’t see their longing
and all of them were trying to dethrone their leader.


Change, inevitably tried to creak the foundations of our lives, of our family, tomorrow was no longer mine
then my parents reached out their hand and I made them my leaders again.


Now, I’ve grown up. Now, they are not a part of my life no more. Haven’t seen them in years.
Now, I love but I do not get defined by it, now I'm not seeking their approval .
Now, I've found my own way, I left the leadership thing behind...

[Donte]

Recently we had a chat on Viber with my brother.


One of the things that we both agreed on (for there are not many things we do agree upon), is the way we, both him and I, but also our generation generally have moved individually and collectively from traditional values, religion, customs and cultural notions and beliefs held by our forefathers.


My parents are baby boomers. They come from big families with many siblings. One of the main cultural shifts that has taken place in my country of birth is the drastic decrease in child-bearing. We went from families who had 9 or 11 children to ones that have 2 or 1 or none.


Our country has moved away from the east by embracing Europe and entering the Union in the 80s. Religion went aside. Civil weddings, de facto couples, same-sex families have become the norm. People don’t procreate as much or as often. Marriages collapse usually within the first five years. People remarry or live together as couples.


A whole generation of educated, high-income, traveled and worldly people make different choices and live lifestyles unheard of in previous generations. The more affluent we become the less we rely on each other.


My parents raised us from the premise that they are right and have a duty to mould us and make us the continuation of their belief system and traditions (even though they had drastically moved away from the customs of their forefathers).


I raised my child from the premise that she’s a free, individual who would make her own choices and embrace whatever she wants. I was a parent who learnt from her. One who didn’t teach her my native language or traditions and neither passed any faith to her.


My brother decided to not have children decades ago. I am gay. Raised my child with my male lover.


Times change. There’s never anything set in stone. Nothing is right. Nothing is wrong.


Reality is subjective. Anything goes. We are individuals living our lives within or out of our cultural contexts and each generation moves forward as culture, language and beliefs only exist within the people who use them and/or live by them.


Here and there I still play some traditional folk songs though and smash a few plates to the bewilderment of my neighbors...