Escaping.

[Donte]

Tonight I wanna drink
To not remember anything afterwards
To get trapped in the smoke
To not be afraid of the consequences

Tonight I wanna drink
I want to go out of my limits
To confess in the smoke
About my lost dreams

I will turn on with cigarrets
I will switch off with drinks
Now that I’ve been burned
Everything can turn to dust and ashes

Tonight I wanna drink
I want to delete everything and everyone
To disappear in the smoke
To not look back again...

Does anybody else ever feel like this? Just wondering...

[Donte]

In many cultures, drinking and smoking is synonymous with a good time, fun, socialization and activities that help one forget their issues temporarily, escape, chill and relax, have a break from whatever is happening in their active mind and issues they’re faced with in their lives.


For many also, it can be a way of ‘self-medicating’, coping with stress and conflict and ‘managing’ their depression, anxiety, boredom and loneliness, grief and loss, and other deeper issues.


Despite what the cause may be or the context, one thing remains: this is not a ‘healthy’ way of dealing with whatever tortures us. We may not be aware or desire to be mindful at all times and seek to ‘escape’ from it all sometimes but at what cost?


It may be ok here and there to want to let our ‘hair down’, so to speak, but if this is an ongoing issue, if it is a habit and out of control, when it affects one’s wellbeing, health, work, relationships, ability to connect and engage, reach out for help.


There are supports and services that can help ease the stress, provide opportunity to talk, explore emotions, and help with finding positive ways to cope.


The Beyondblue website is one of many that provides great information and support and can help you in the right direction.


Just take the first step: post on a forum, share your experience with others, chat to a Counselor, read some materials, self-evaluate and monitor your moods by using the tools provided etc.


No matter what your background and the ways to cope and deal with life that may have been acceptable or popular in our country of origin and the way or time we grew up, there is help at hand. We can learn new ways. Unlearn harmful ones and replace them with healthier and smarter options.


The onus is on us. We are responsible for ourselves and the choices we make. It may be alright here and there to want to escape temporarily, but going for a run, a swim, gym, chat with someone, play with a pet, hold a child’s hand, be active and keep moving on could be a better option in the long run...

[geoff]

Hi Donte, good point and this can happen to any denomination, age and all cultures, MI doesn't hide from anyone, that's how powerful it is.

Geoff.

[Donte]

Hi Geoff,

That's true. Human nature is the same no matter where we are born or where we might have grew up. Mental illness doesn't discriminate in terms of age, faith, gender etc.

There are as many similarities responding and reacting to mental distress as there are differences between groups of people and among each group.

[Donte]

I was reading the results of a survey by Action for Children which found that 43% of 17 – 25 year olds who used their service had experienced problems with loneliness, and that of this same group less than half said they felt loved. - (That’s only 21.5%)

Action for Children have also reported 24% of parents surveyed said they were always or often lonely. This includes parents in traditional, nuclear families - two partners and children.

Research by Sense has shown that up to 50% of disabled people will be lonely on any given day no matter their gender or age group or the type of disability (physical or psychosocial).

Research indicates that loneliness is as bad for you as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. (Holt-Lunstad, 2010) So the impact on health is worse for lonely people who are also smokers. (Co-morbidities)

Loneliness is worse for you than obesity. (Holt-Lunstad, 2010) Again, obese, lonely people are at higher risk of co-morbidities).

Lonely people are more likely to suffer from dementia, heart disease and depression. (Valtorta et al, 2016) (James et al, 2011) (Cacioppo et al, 2006)

Loneliness is likely to increase your risk of death by 29% (Holt-Lunstad, 2015)

There are millions of chronically lonely people in Australia. In every community, culture and group. People of all ages, genders, socioeconomic background, ethnicity, religious affiliation and relationship status etc.

Many older people go at least five or six days a week without seeing or speaking to anyone at all. Television or radio is their only company. No one knocks on their door apart from a Council Worker providing home care or personal care once or twice a fortnight.

As we now live 10+ years longer than back in the 60s over half (51%) of all people aged 75 and over live alone (Office for National Statistics 2010. General Lifestyle Survey 2008).

Loneliness is seen by many as one of the largest health concerns we face today and as life expectancy is increasing in Australia the issue will remain.

What’s your experience of loneliness? When do you feel lonely most? How do you deal with your loneliness? And what’s a culturally appropriate way to respond to loneliness in your community?

[Donte]

Occasionally I put on a big frown in the mirror. My frowning face looks the same as it always has. The muscles in my face stretch in all directions, my features unravel, each distinct from the other. All possible emotions in the world gush out from my face. It is neither beautiful nor ugly. From one angle I look demonic, from a different angle comic. And from yet another angle my face is a chaotic jumble. When I stop frowning my facial muscles gradually relax, like ripples vanishing on the surface of water, and my usual features return. And then I discover a new, slightly different version of myself. 'You should smile more naturally', my mother often told me. 'Your features are gentle when you smile, so it's a shame that you don't do so more often.' She's always been a critical, judgmental bitch. But I could never smile easily, or casually, in front of people. When I force it, I end up with a tight sneer, which makes others even more tense and uncomfortable.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Donte’ (and all),

I wonder if you might find it helpful to try not to think too much about how your facial expressions look (or don’t look) and just let them show in all its glory. Granted, I realise that is easier in theory than in practice especially if you’re highly aware of it because of criticisms from people, such as, your mum.

I noticed you asked:

What’s your experience of loneliness? When do you feel lonely most? How do you deal with your loneliness? And what’s a culturally appropriate way to respond to loneliness in your community?

Personally, I feel loneliest when I feel heard but not listened to...there’s a world of difference between hearing and listening. I feel that the way I deal with loneliness is largely circumstantial because it depends on the context, the people involved, my general mood at the time, etc.

Sometimes I find it helpful to keep my distance from people who tend not to be the best listeners or who aren’t the best at trying to look at things from a perspective that is not their own. I find people with those tendencies to be very draining and their refusal or inability to listen and empathise (or consider another perspective) makes me feel even more alone than actually being physically alone. Hope this makes sense...

As for culture? I don’t know. loneliness isn’t really a big topic in my culture. I feel this stems from how emotions and mental health aren’t really discussed so it makes sense that loneliness isn’t discussed much either...I suppose people deal with it quietly. Deal with it in relative silence...

Thanks for reading 🙂

Pepper

[Donte]

Hello Pepper,

Thank you for your response and the empathy and understanding. It’s good to hear from you.

You are right, often we may be too aware of ourselves and critical. Voices from the past; our parents and/or significant others haunt us.

When anxiety and panic overtakes is it can be hard to relax and enjoy the moment. Being natural.

I often wished I wasn’t overthinking.

Loneliness can be unnoticed as you’ve stated. There are so many different kinds of loneliness and of course some motivate us to do something about it to change the uncomfortable feelings.

A year after my partner died life was so unbearable that my daughter forced me to get a dog. That was the most challenging and amazing thing that I did. I don’t have the time to feel lonely now as he constantly engages me. Waiting with a ball in his mouth. Demanding attention. Pulls me into a totally different realm. Makes me respond. Drags me out of my miserable state.

It’s astonishing how the mere presence of an animal changes completely the sense one has when alone in an apartment without partner or child. X

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Donte’ (and all),

My apologies for this late reply. I feel you made a valid point about how some of us can be highly self critical.

But I suppose criticism is perceived differently, depending on the culture. In my culture(s), criticism is actually viewed as something positive because the rationale is it will encourage people to “improve.” Praise is rarely given because it’s seen as “lowering standards” and “overindulgent coddling.”

So you will rarely hear any of my relatives praising anyone else, and especially not their own children. If anything, they tend to be harshest on their own offspring because they see it as “tough love.” Anyway, that’s a little aside...

I agree with you that loneliness comes in many different forms. Sometimes it can be obvious and other times, it can be hidden...

The year following your beloved’s passing sounds like it was very rough. Your beautiful dog has clearly made a world of difference.

I agree with you that animals can do so much for a person’s mental health. Dogs, in particular, are often very emotionally attuned to their human family’s emotions 🙂

Pepper xoxo