Shame about my heritage

[james1]

Hello everyone,

I have a very short story here which I would like to share where I was made to feel shame about my Chinese heritage. I have experienced this a lot, and (un?)surprisingly much of it is from my own parents.

If you have any stories of your own, I really welcome your posts.

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My mother's family come from a little suburb in Guangzhou. It is quite a small, poor area, and it constantly reeks of sewerage and just rotten things. My mother was born there in a house that her father, my grandfather, built.

Anyway, we were having a chat in the kitchen here one day and my mother said something that made me quite angry. She said, "I will never take my fiance back to my home. And you shouldn't take your girlfriend there either. It is too gross, and she will judge you."

I may not have been born there, but it is where I am from. The smell is gross, true, but I have been back to that house every couple of years for my 26 years. It is where my roots are, even if I live in Australia. Why should I feel ashamed about the poverty of my past?

I feel ashamed about the behaviour of many people from home, and perhaps it is none of my business, but I will never be so ashamed to not show my loved ones where I came from.

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Have any of you also been made to feel shame or embarrassment about where you come from, whether you feel it was right or wrong?

Alternatively, is there something that you do feel shame about? Don't worry, we are not judging you nor your cultural background 🙂

James

[james1]

Hello Donte,

Sorry I somehow completely missed your post.

Wow that's quite a different perspective but, you know, I think I get what you are saying.

Perhaps I can kind of explain what I think you are saying, in my own view, and you can let me know if I have interpreted your thoughts correctly?

My perspective is that my ancestry is no more important than my gender, sexuatily, or my place of birth or my family's social standing or my (lack of) religion at birth. It is what it is when I am born, and I played zero hand in its history.

I think where I am different to you is that, for better or worse, I've made these things part of my identity. Some time in the last 5 years, I've made them the foundation of who I am, and I guess I have kind of built on top of it.

That said, I sometimes wonder whether it is a good foundation of who I am. I have a friend who is also an Australian born Chinese and I think he is more like you. He sees all these things as being his family and parents, but not him. He is what he makes himself, not what they made him.

Thanks for posting that different view. It is something I grapple with often.

James

[Donte]

Thanks James,

truth is; most of the dreams you'd have aren't yours but someone else's dreams. Dreams of being rich, dreams of being a powerful person, dreams of being respected, accepted, integrated... If you're at peace with yourself, you don't need either of those.

[Donte]

People always miss a message.. This inspires me. Beautiful...

[Donte]

Be the best you can be within, and project it like a flashlight onto the world. Trickle your positive vibes down onto others around you who may need it more than you.

[james1]

Hello Donte,

It is certainly true that many dreams are not mine to begin with. Some I adopt, some I create, others I unknowingly inherit. The difficulty is when we notice them then wonder, "where did this come from?"

I think many of my friends, and myself included, ask this very question. For me, it applies to my values as well - is this originally mine, or is this my mum's or my Chinese heritage?

James

[StaticRose51]

Hi some my family are of mixed race, fifjan and aboriginal sometimes I feel like the resposibility of maintaining my aborginal culture is too much. We are the most disadvantaged and have poor socioeconomic outcomes.

Struggling to get ahead in an ever changing world is the most stressful and that's the thing. Why we fit in the western ways is there a place for culture?

[james1]

Hello staticrose51,

it is good to hear from your perspective as well. While I am not of aboriginal background so it is not something i can truly grasp, i do understand the difficulty and have spoken to other people of aboriginal background who have shared similar thoughts as you.

One man I spoke to was about 30 years old (5 years ago) and he said it is a very difficult place to be right now for people with aboriginal heritage. Even putting aside the way the media has portrayed people, and the general population's perspective on people, and of course the huge socioeconomic gap... he said culturally it's come to a real turning point. Many of the younger generation are actively trying to break tradition and rejecting old cultural values and customs to adopt western ones, while others are trying to protect tradition. very rarely, he said, were people able to join the two cultures, or even be willing to try.

My own perspective from a western/chinese cultural combination is that there has to be a way to join the two. that song they used to make us sing in primary school which goes, "we are one, but we are many" is very true I think. There will be things where we are together and share a common identity, yet still there needs to be room to maintain our differences that are significant to us personally. so maybe we do not have to accept everything from either western culture or our heritage, but maybe just the bits that mean most to us as individuals.

what do you think?

[Guest_1584]

Hi James.

Good on you man for standing your ground about your heritage , it's part of what made you who you are and any person worthy of our friendship should have no problems with that anyway right.

But l know they can be just words and often hard to back and yeah there have been times l've been ashamed of parts of mine. Even my big family . No one has a family the size of mine and the looks l still get to this day when l mention them to someone are still just wtf ???? But you know, like l had anything to do with it , but l guess l'd probably be more ashamed of myself than anything , for even feeling a bit that way about my family.

And there are things about oz that l'm not proud of either , which again is pretty stupid really because again as if l had anything to do with the way the country has developed or as if l could change it.

rx

[james1]

Hello rx,

Yeah I hear you. It's a strange concept to be ashamed/proud/whatever of something we had no control over, but I think because our past (as in, our parents and their parents etc.) is often so tied in with our identity, it can often feel like a reflection of ourselves.

Also, yeah my ex's mother was one of 12 😮 now that was scary the first time they had a family gathering and I had to remember everyone's name!!

James

[StaticRose51]

Hi James.

What you said is so true and we must be willing to make the change uni is hard enough for most of us when we need to compete with that as well. Do I have options other than practicing a little of both to appease the elders and then some for more modern friends? This is something I would definitely like to talk more about. I recently had some family come to find me and that has just added a lot more to think about.

Like you I always have a bit of European heritage and this I practice the everyday stuff/ When it comes to be ethinic theres still a lot there that is raw and beautiful at the same time. I hope to soon find the courage to express myself due to some very special friends of mine.

I think right now if I put my heart into my self-expression than there must be something to come out of it. I have some am leaving t have a coffee and go to enjoy the last of the suns warmth. xxxxx