Marrying someone from a different cultural and religious background

[Booklover17]

Hi everyone,

This is my first time posting in this forum. I don’t know if it is the right one but I am struggling. I am an Aussie but I am marrying someone from a different cultural and religious background. Has anyone been through this or know of any support groups? I can really use some support.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Booklover,

I hope it’s okay for me to extend a warm welcome to you to the Multicultural Experiences forum 🙂 I hope you’re making your way around here okay...

Sorry, I haven’t been in a similar situation personally so I don’t know how much help I will be. But I’ve had various family members in similar situations, largely because most of my extended family (plus my parents) are migrants and some of them have married/dated people from different cultural backgrounds.

One of older cousins (Australian with Asian heritage), for example, is married to a fifth generation Australian woman (British heritage). Sometimes there are cultural differences to navigate. In their case, it’s less to do with them but more to do with their respective parents having different expectations.

Is there anything in particular you are struggling with that you would like to ask? I, plus others, would be very happy to support you as best we can.

kind and caring thoughts,

Pepper

[Booklover17]

Hi Pepper,

Thank you very much for your message and for your warm welcome 🙂 What you said about your cousin and his/her parents is accurate in my case too. I am marrying a Lebanese man who grew up here but his parents are being very tough on us. I guess I just wanted some tips/advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation. How they navigated the views of the parents and their expectations vs their own. His parents don’t recognise western marriage at all.

[james1]

Hello booklover17,

Nice to meet you here. I have been wanting to post something similar for a while.

I am of Chinese background and I am currently in a relationship with a Scottish woman, and (to put it bluntly) have copped a bit of crap from my parents and my family in China. On the flip side, I have also experienced racism from the English mother of an ex of mine, so I guess I've had it from both sides of the relationship.

My own advice, or rather observation, is that in these kinds of relationships, it seems to be more important than ever to first know what -you- want, and second have really good communication with your partner. It can sometimes be really difficult to be honest because we also don't want to create a me vs your parents situation, but I have found when things are left unsaid it just causes a lot of confusion later down the track if there are any issues.

In my current relationship which has been going on for just 1.5 years, I have not spoken to her parents yet as they live in Scotland. She actually asked her mum if she wanted to meet me on Skype, but her mum gave a pretty resounding no. I don't know what to think of that, but I guess I can at least respect her mum's decision to defer that to a later date. In my own culture, that would be really odd, but it is okay to me personally and my partner knows this. If it goes for too long, then I will ask if there's an issue. Otherwise I do not mind for now.

Have you and your partner spoken much about this?

James

[Booklover17]

Hi James,

Thank you so much for your message. It feels so good to chat to someone that is going through the same situation. I am so sorry your parents are giving you such a hard time amd sorry about your partner’s mum. I hope she changes her mind but if it’s anything like my situation, acceptance from her will be really hard.

My parents thankfully have been supportive since day 1. Unfortunately, my fiancé’s parents are not. They are nice sometimes but then have guilted us into doing a traditional islamic ceremony (in addition to a Western one) and yet have not asked how the wedding planning is going once and have said in no uncertain terms that our wedding (western) doesn’t mean anything to them. It makes me hurt so much and does not make me enjoy my wedding planning (which I so badly want to enjoy).

My partner and I talk about this often, it is communicating with his parents that is the issue. I try to explain how hard this is for me and they say nothing to this. No acknowledgement even.

[Hayfa]

Hi Booklover17

Welcome to the forum.
I am sorry for what you are going through right now. I am Lebanese but I know this situation very well. My brother married an Australian woman and my sister married an Australian man, their spouses are lovely people but yes, there were problems initially among my family when the desire to marry was communicated.
I am not ashamed to admit that I like my parents was sceptical, please don't think it as racist but there are many reasons for this and it was never personal.

I come from a minority group who were once a heavily persecuted race hence, our beliefs and religious traditions dictate that there should not be any intermarriage so as not to disintegrate the race.
But on another note, there are two important and revered events in Lebanese tradition; birth and marriage, these are a big deal, they can be celebrated OTT with no expense spared! Unfortunately the birth and marriage of boys in the culture are really important being that the Lebanese culture and religion is patriarchal and social reputation is huge also hence the Islamic/Lebanese wedding.

I don't think that your prospective in laws have anything personal against you, it's just the want and need to hold onto identity and culture and that there son can still do that too. After marriage there is still many family obligations and extended family traditions that are part of the life values such as paying respects for deaths within the community, partaking in other traditional events etc.

I had this conversation with my sister-in-law before she married my brother, I wanted her to know what she was in for so that she knew that this is a necessary part of cultural life and that it wouldn't cause her problems in her marriage later on.
It's very easy to say that it doesn't have to be this way and once married you forge your own road with your husband, this is true and justified but you also cannot ignore that it is a different culture with cultural expectations that have come from long traditions both within the country, communities and nucleus family.

What I can tell you that may make things easier is this; you need to have an interest in your future husband's life and his family, you need to say you want to learn more about the culture, food etc. Make it a part of your life also and ask your in-laws for help, be a part of it all and trust me you won't regret it.
When your husband's family see your dedication they will be fine with the relationship.

Hayfa

[Hayfa]

Hello again,
apologies for the second post but I exceeded the word limit in my last post.
You say that your prospective in-laws don't seem to care about the western wedding, please don't take this personally.
When my siblings got married it was the same, you need to remember that your in-laws have lived and raised in a different culture, of course they don't get the western wedding idea but I am sure they will still partake and respect it. I hope that you will also love your Islamic wedding and hey, who would be upset at having two special days?

Good luck with it all! Please keep talking to us here so we can support you and know how you are travelling with everything.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Booklover (waves to all),

It’s wonderful to hear from you. Thank you so much for writing in again and you’re most welcome...

I hear what you’re saying. The pressure and expectations must feel overwhelming. So I’m extra glad that James and Hayfa have both contributed based on their personal experiences. I’m sure you will find both their posts very helpful.

There’s no pressure but, if you feel like it, please feel free to write in again to let us know how things have been since your latest post 🙂

Kind and caring thoughts,

Pepper

[james1]

Hello booklover17,

It is good to hear that your parents are so supportive and that you and your partner are on the same page.

What Hayfa has said about there being further family obligations, but also the opportunity to forge your own path after marriage, is very true I think. Even in my case, I have been talking to my partner and just gently introducing her to various aspects of my culture. Some of these I will want and I consider a part of me, but others are things which she will probably just encounter by being around my family. My suggestion is always to just ask questions if things don't make sense.

For example, what his parents said sounds really quite hurtful but it may have come from something else entirely. Let me give you an example.

When my mum and partner first met, my mum very un-subtly asked my partner about her visa, citizenship and financial situations. It was very interrogative and unfortunately I missed a bit of it. When my partner spoke to me later about it, she was pretty frustrated but I kind of understood what mum was doing. So I explained that, actually, none of that was about my partner at all. It wasn't a test or an attack on character, she just wanted to know, in detail, what her son was getting into because she is very family oriented and believes in no boundaries between family. I think it's taken a little while now, but my partner is slowly getting used to mum's quite intrusive nature.

So yeah, it may be different for your partner's parents, but I think if you have these niggling issues, it can always be helpful just to ask why people say or do the things they do. Sometimes there is a very harmless reason for it, and in other cases, your partner is there to help you. 🙂

James

[Booklover17]

Hi Hayfa,

Thank you very much for both your posts. You say your race was persecuted? Perhaps I should read up on the history then. I love history but need to learn more about the history in the Lebanese part of the world. This helps me to understand more, thank you. So it was seen in the past as a threat to the race to marry someone not in the race?

I understand completely what you are saying about learning more about the culture. I guess I would like to be met halfway on this.

I hear what you are saying about not taking their lack of interest in my wedding personally, however, from my perspective it seems they are dictating what they want with no interest in what I want. It is a hard time for me, to come into a different culture like this and plan a wedding and navigate cultural differences. It is just hard.

Thank you for your explanations.