It's so hard to make friends

[james1]

Hello,

Making friends is really hard. By this, I mean making friends who you share a deep connection with and who can help you feel accepted and not alone. I don't know what we call them when we become adults, but as kids we called them best friends.

My parents moved here when they were in their early 20's and had nobody in Australia except each other. They really struggled to make friends in a world that they did not understand and which did not understand them, literally because their English was bad, and also just because they were culturally different.

So when everybody already has their group of friends, and those that remain are people we did not grow up with, how can we develop a bond that brings us closer in a significant way? It is easy enough to say join a group from your own culture, but what if you left your home to find something new, or if there are few people from your own culture to begin with?

Even for those of us born here, it's scary enough trying to be open with people from our own culture. IWhat about trying to be open and exposed with someone from another culture?

Does anyone have any stories or suggestions they would like to share?

James

[Mike_7597]

I totally understand what you mean. I have lived in Brisbane my whole life and never had a close group of friends growing up or in high school. Just a couple of friends I would sit with at school. This is mostly because I had a long term girlfriend at the time and we continued dating for 4 years after high school. I was never really focussed on making new friends and spent most of my time with my GF but A few months ago me and my GF separated and I came to realize that I had no close friends that I felt connected with on a emotional level. The few friends I had left were more like acquaintances who would only hang out with me if I brought it up, and even then the conversations are very superficial.

I have been trying to get out there and make closer, more connected friends but you're right its so hard as an adult becuase most people already have set friend groups and aren't that interested in making any more close friends. I have heard that joining a social group or sports team can really help. I guess this is because people tend to bond together by doing things together and shared experiences.

I'm not sure where you live or if you attend university but I know that most major universities have many sports teams, cultural societies, and clubs that are very welcoming for new students.

If you ever need to talk dont hesitate to reply

Michael

michael

[james1]

Hello Mike,

Thanks for your reply.

It's so true that we can often find ourselves suddenly without many/any close friends when we lose someone because, as you say, we've spent all our time with one particular person.

I have also often suggested clubs and groups, particularly at university, to people who are struggling to make new friends. Shared interests can really help bring people closer simply by encouraging us to spend more time with each other.

That said, one comment I have heard a few times is that it can feel like almost like a chore - we meet up once a week, have fun, and then we go for an entire week without speaking. I think this can be really hard to deal with, especially for people born overseas who have no other friends or support in Australia. I don't know how to deal with this either. I know how tiring it is to even go to a single social event, so going to multiple in a week just to stave off loneliness seems very tiring to me.

Does anyone have any similar experiences?

James

[Dass]

Hi James

I empathise with you. I am in the same boat. I live in Sydney and find it difficult to meet genuine people here - and I have been here for over 10 years now. I do try to go to meetups and other social functions - but each time, I go home sadder - largely because I am seeking connection, not just having fun. And I do connect deeply, and am not a fan of superficiality or small talk. While I do tolerate small talk when I commence talking to someone new, I find it difficult to persist after 1-2 meetings with them. I then stop going out with them because I really do not enjoy superficial engagements - they leave me hollow and empty. I am unsure how to get out of this.

Cheers

Dass

[Quercus]

Hello everyone.

Great topic James. And a warm welcome to the forums Dass.

I like how Dass mentioned seeking connection not fun. I relate to that and also to feeling like going out is a chore at worst and exhausting at best.

The idea of reaching out in my community has always helped me meet people I connect with. It takes time and patience but it has worked for me.

By reaching out I mean talking to strangers. Helping others. And asking for help. Having a project or goal that you both have an interest in is rewarding and if you form friendships in the process that's even better.

One friend I met in the carpark taking my son to kindy. The carpark was almost empty. She looked very down/lost. So I stopped and asked her if she was ok. Over time we talked. Mostly about improving the school and plans for the school. Nothing strenuous just conversation as we took our kids to and from school. But it involved me reaching out.

Another example is reaching out in your community for help or to help. I've always wanted to join the local gardening club. But they're all a lot older than me and a close knit group so I've never been brave enough. But then I thought I need help with the local school. Need plants. Who better to ask than local gardeners? Sometimes we need a reason to make us contact people.

Would love to know if this works for you both.

Nat

[Dass]

Hi Nat

Thank you for your kind thoughts and encouragement. I have helped out the community quite a bit. I do like helping but not when I get backlash when people do not get the outcomes they want. Usually, this is with the body corporate duties when a lady abused me because she wanted to have the funds channelled into her private renovations. I said "no" and got a lot of vitroil for that. It unnerved me for weeks with her screaming and calling me names and accusing me of things. Hence I do dislike this type of work now. I got really sad about what happened and try to avoid her now. However beyond the body corporate, I have helped others - but it seems to be a "use and discard" mentality around here, sadly. This is not so in other places I have lived in. So, I am not having much luck with getting supportive connections or real friends in Sydney. I also know that I am selective with whom I befriend and am quick to reduce contact if I am let down or do not find that there is sufficient mutual interest. Sorry for being negative but I am trying to convey my reality here. However Nat, I will seek out volunteer opportunities in other areas from the ones I have been involved in thus far. I am thinking of resigning from the Body Corporate later this year as it is not worth the angst and aggravation.

[james1]

Hello Dass,

Nice to hear from you and it sounds like resigning from the body corporate might be a good idea. We need to surround ourselves with good people, not those who make us feel terrible.

About your troubles with connection, that is something I have faced a lot as well and I think I am slowly getting better at it. Similar to you, I also don't care for small talk. I generally hate parties because it's full of small talk and I just...don't care. I used to listen to my ex talk about her conversations with people and I would just be like, "did you ask this? what about that?" I think that's when I realised that my way of talking and connecting with people was very different.

I think Nat has made a good point in that sometimes we can try to connect with people who's small-talk barrier is already down. Perhaps they need something that you can help with, or perhaps you need some help and by clearly lowering your own barriers to them, they'll reciprocate.

I think the key thing is to work out how to help people feel safe in being open about themselves. Have you had any good experiences with this in the past?

Hello Nat,

Thanks for popping by. I like your ideas and I have connected with people in the past simply by offering a hand, or asking for help. I guess it is just hard because we open ourselves to personal attack and judgement, and while I would love to say that people generally don't do this, it only takes 1 to cause a lot of hurt. I don't know if there's a solution that is not "risky" in this way, but I've always made sure I feel comfortable in my friends before I try to make new ones.

I guess that's what makes it so hard living in a new place when you have no friends to rely on support, in case something goes wrong. Still, by the same token, it only takes 1 friend to support you through life (in my opinion).

James