Marrying someone from a different cultural and religious background

[Booklover17]

Hi everyone,

This is my first time posting in this forum. I don’t know if it is the right one but I am struggling. I am an Aussie but I am marrying someone from a different cultural and religious background. Has anyone been through this or know of any support groups? I can really use some support.

[Booklover17]

Hi Pepper,

Thank you for your post. I am still very overwhelmed by it all.

[Booklover17]

Hi James,

Thank you for your post and thank you for the example with your Partner. Two very different cultures there too. I guess it’s a learning experience for both but it is hard to not get upset at certain situations. I think I have to communicate my feelings a little more and state when comments/ things are upsetting.

[quirkywords]

Booklover,

Thanks for sharing your story and while I realise it is difficult for you by explaining your experience others will be able to relate to it.

You have received very helpful suggestions from Hayfa, James and Pepper.

I understand how upsetting it is when you feel you are not being listened to .

Sometimes something as simple as asking for recipes can help and show how interested you are in your fiancés culture.

When you get upset with your future in laws is your finance there to act as a go between and help you?

Does your fiancé have any ideas how to make things less upsetting for you ?

Preparing for a wedding can be upsetting at any time as so many emotions are involved.

keep posting here if you want to and let us know how things are going.

Quirky

[Hayfa]

Hi Booklover

You are quite right in feeling upset because your fiance's parents seem to be dictating the wedding plans. Are they paying for the wedding?
When my brother wanted to marry his wife, he made it clear that his wife and her family were paying for everything therefore, all plans were made by them.
My father asked if he could arrange for a belly dancer and just an hour or so of Lebanese music. If he and my mum were paying for my brother's wedding then they would have done what your prospective in-laws are doing now. I still think that you deserve a say and should be consulted, are you able to talk to them and ask them if you can input?

I know that this can be frustrating but believe me when I tell you that this is normal in cultural families. It will take time to understand and learn more about the culture, if you are open to it you will learn much. Let your future husband guide you and explain anything you ask him about the culture, be open and honest with your future in laws, try to be involved because this will strengthen family ties. If they knew you were researching and learning about Lebanese culture they would be proud and love you even more.

I am not saying that you need to adopt something new because we all have a unique, different and equally important cultural identity. I am just saying that you chose to be a part of something new and it requires being involved in it. Your in laws have also done the same when they chose to migrate here, their level of acculturation into the western lifestyle will also grow depending on the length of time and their continued stay in Australia. Lebanese culture is also about accepting son's wife as a new daughter to be supported, loved and cherished.

Most Lebanese families will only fully involve themselves in the events and milestones of their children's lives and not actually intervene in their personal lives and marriage. I hope this offers some peace of mind.
I think like with everything in life, if you create opportunities with good intentions then you will have positive and memorable experiences.
Don't dwell too much on who is making the wedding plans since this is the one occasion that they will want to be a part, being that sons and marriage is the thing in the culture. Spend your time planning your future and how you want things to be because this is the part that they will leave to you both.

Keep talking to us here so we know how you are travelling with it all.

Hayfa

[Booklover17]

Hi Quirky,

Thank you for your post. My fiancé does try and help but it is difficult. They don’t want to listen. It’s hard to talk to them.

[Booklover17]

Hi Hayfa,

We are paying for the wedding. I will try and talk to them. Thank you for your insight.

[james1]

Hello Booklover17,

I am very glad that Hayfa has responded with insights from Lebanese culture. It is always so helpful to just be able to speak openly about culture. I think that even if we cannot becoming fully part of someone else's culture, we can still be included and immersed in it, and I think this can really help build respect and understanding.

Anyway, I don't think I have much more to add that is helpful advice. Just that I think navigating different cultures, particularly in family settings, is a constant learning experience for you, your partner, and his parents. That's how it is for me and my partner, and I imagine we'll be talking about cultural differences for a fair few years yet. It can be a bit confronting at times, but usually it's just a very eye opening experience.

James

[Hayfa]

Hi Booklover

Reflecting on your posts I realise that this is a tricky and sensitive situation you are in. From what you have said, both you and your partner have tried talking to his parents about what you want to plan for your wedding but to no avail.

If you don't mind me asking, does your fiance have a close relationship with his parents? Would it be difficult for him to be firm with them over this? Just how much intervening in the wedding plans are they making? Do you feel they are hijacking the whole planning or are they just insisting on some things?
You said in your earlier post that they are turning it into an Islamic wedding, this is different from a wedding celebration within Lebanese culture because the wedding celebration itself is exactly that; coming together with guests, Lebanese music, dance and food.

An Islamic wedding requires a few extra things before the actual wedding celebration; day activities, religious marriage certificate signing with Imam and celebration. You would have had to convert for this to take place.

What were your plans for your wedding? It would be lovely to hear from you what you had in mind for your special day and perhaps I can guide you on a few ideas on what to talk about with your in-laws that might see a compromise like at my brother's wedding that was a mix of both and it turned out really beautiful.

Hayfa

[quirkywords]

Booklover17

Thanks for keeping touch.

Hayfa has given you insights from the Lebanese culture and helpful ideas from her experience.

I understand how the wedding is important for you the bride and it is also important for the families.

It is as Hayfa says a tricky situation but hopefully will be able work out a balance that suits everyone for the special day.

I am learning so much from this thread.

Quirky

[Booklover17]

Hi James,

I agree. I think the best thing to do is always speak openly about culture. Particularly in a multicultural country like Australia. It’s definitely eye-opening.