Loss and grief in various cultural groups and communities.

[Donte]

This month is five years since my partner died. Even though it’s been so long ago, some times it feels like yesterday. At other times it feels a hundred years ago.


The family is organizing a get-together dinner on the anniversary and I feel dreadful. I don’t think I have the energy or the emotional capacity to attend but also I’m scared to refuse in case they think I don’t care anymore or that I don’t consider them family nowadays.


Everything reminds me of him.
simple, beloved, everyday things of ours. I drive outside his work and stuck at the lights I find myself unable to move on. Listening to the tunes that we loved, going in the places that we used to hang out. Everything is as it was. But nothing is the same.


The first year I couldn’t function. I hated this city. I didn’t want to be here without him.


All our love used to fill our home, our lives, our hearts. Now I sing alone the songs we both used to sing.


Faces, places, smells, books, films, songs, and words, everything have his name written all over, and the dream is over!
What remains now is memories and sentiments.


Everything reminds me of him
and our closest friends seem all to have moved on.


He was kicked out of home at fifteen and never returned. Cut them all off. Even on his deathbed he didn’t want anything to do with them. I contacted them after his death and met them for the first time at the funeral.


Alone here now, I'm reading the letter he had given me
before we kissed for the first time.


I’m ok. I don’t want you to worry about me. I see a counselor. I’m on antidepressants. I walk and swim and rest. I try to eat well. Have a couple of friends. I take each day as it comes. I have new interests and new work. A daughter whom I love dearly and a dog that has brought me out of the darkest place.

I’m just not the same person anymore. There are certain aspects of us that certain people are able to bring up to the surface. Whoever I used to be with him, because of him, has died with him. And certain aspects of him still live in me. It is very different now. Life has changed.

How do you deal with loss? What’s an appropriate way to express grief in your family? In your culture? In your community? And I’m not only referring to death-related grief but any loss - migration, work, divorce, chronic illness, aging etc all can represent losses that carry grief with them.

Lend me a shoulder to cry on and I’ll lend you mine. X

[Donte]

Hey Lilly18,

Hope you are well. Hope your children are also well. It's not easy is it?

I remember my first shock and disbelief and that numbing effect that I initially felt. Then came the emotional release - crying, sobbing, and sometimes uncontrollable hysteria and rage. My daughter couldn't stand see me like this and desperately wanted me to feel better. Then came the depression and loneliness. It lasted for a very very long time - years - and I felt a sense of loneliness and alienation from others. This is when i stopped believed in God altogether.

Five years later and I still feel physical distress: a feeling of weakness, or that my strength has been drained away. I suffer from digestive upsets, loss of appetite or overeating (my weight goes up and down), high blood pressure, rapid heartbeat, and change in body temperature. Sometimes I get panic attacks, even in my sleep where I wake up screaming and sweating and feeling my heart will pop out of my chest.

I feel very angry towards others and irrational sense of guilt and shame. Often there's a hostility and resentment that I direct outwards and an inability to return to normal routine. Everything seems too hard or impossible. I tend to question the worthwhile of everyone and everything.

Reconciliation can take a long time. Five years later I'm still trying to make adjustments and adapt or take on positive attitudes. I still struggle to adjust to reality. A reality without him around. And without me being whatever I was for him, with him, and because of him...I acknowledge that the loss has occurred and is permanent (I don't believe in life after death), and I know that life goes on without him. This takes on coping with new arrangements and reality. X

[Donte]

The Greeks say: 'Woe to the one who leaves'...meaning, the rest of us remaining behind will continue living, laughing again and loving etc. but the one who is dead is gone forever...

Some of the things I've learnt during my years of mourning are that if you'd like to offer support to someone who grieves:

Be patient with the griever's story, and allow them to share memories of the lost loved one. This fosters a healthy continuity as the person orients to a changed future.

Use appropriate physical contact, like an arm around the shoulder or a hug, when words fail. Learn to be comfortable with shared silence, rather than chattering away in an attempt to cheer the person up.

Talk about your own losses and how you adapted to them. Although the mourner's coping style may be different from your own, your self-disclosure will help.

Expect future 'rough spots,' with active attempts at coping with difficult feelings and decisions for months following the loss. Be there for the mourner.

Offer specific help and take the initiative to call the mourner. If you also respect the person's privacy, your concrete assistance with the demands of daily living will be appreciated.

Listen more and talk less. Very few people take the time to listen to someone's deepest concerns. Be one of the few. Both you and the mourner are likely to learn as a result.

Open the door to communication. If you aren't sure what to say, ask, 'how are you feeling today?' or 'I've been thinking about you. How is it going?'

Don't say 'You're doing so well.' Allow the mourner to feel without the sense of letting you down. Don't tell them what should or shouldn't do. Don't say 'call me if you need me' - vague offers are meant to be declined and the mourner will pick up the cue that you implicitly hope he or she won't contact you.

Please don't suggest that 'time heals all wounds' - even if wounds heal, the scars remain. Don't delegate helping to others. Your personal presence and concern will make a difference.

Don't say 'I know how you feel', - you don't.

Don't say 'they've gone to a better place' or 'they're watching you from the next room' etc. This only convinces the mourner that you don't care enough to understand. This is not a good time to try and push your beliefs onto the other person.

And finally, do not try to hurry the person through grief by urging them to keep busy, give away the deceased possessions etc. Grief doesn't have a fixed schedule.

[Elizabeth CP]

Thanks Fonte for asking after me. My husband is much better now. Of course there is always the risk of a similar problem & we know he will continue to deteriorate but I need to focus on the positive. I've been away for a break. We had planned ygo together but his illness & injury stopped that. My psych has been encouraging me to go away on my own so I can learn to cope with the guilt associated with doing something so selfish. To keep going without burning out I need the break.

[Donte]

Hello Elizabeth,

I’m glad you are experiencing currently a relatively smooth period.

It is often very hard being a carer. It is harder when you know that there’s no light at the end of the tunnel in regards to the prognosis.

Maybe doing something for yourself and taking a break for a bit is a good thing.

Hope you can get some well-deserved break, even if for a while. X

[Lilly18]

Hey donte,

No not doing very well. Iv been putting on the strong cape for so long not that it helped or made me strong.

I feel like a monster I can't control my anger. Most of the time i feel just ok but can easily snap and hurt the ones I love. Not doing well at all. I'l see my doctor im sure she'l say take more meds

[Donte]

Anger is a big part of grief Lily18.

There are so many reasons to feel angry when we lose a loved one. Angry at ourselves, angry at them, angry at everyone around us and even angry about the world and humans in general.

No amount of medications can take away the grief but it could help a bit ease the edginess. It’s ok to feel angry. Don’t feel bad about it and don’t try and fight it.

Some medications also can make us feel very edgy.

Great idea to talk to your doctor. X

[Lilly18]

It's a horrible feeling, im about to sell my house and have just had walls and things fixed, house painted etc, the anger got the better of me holes are back and things broken:(

Sorry just need to vent it out before I can get into see my dr.

[Donte]

It's ok. You are aloud. X

It's not easy but in time you will find creative ways to express your anger and release it in a less destructive way. I go for walks and walk for hours on end until I don't feel it anymore. Other times I dance around the house to all my favourite tunes or bake or spend days in the parks and beaches or gardening. Often I paint. I can paint all night without realising what time or day it is.

Being around dogs really calms me down and brings me to the now. So I look after dogs. I walk them, groom them, spend most of my days with them. They help me see things from their eyes and bring me so much calm.

You know yourself more than anyone and your anger is only a symptom. Listen to it. Go with it. See what it tells you. Find ways to release it creatively. Whatever works for you. Feel it. Go with it. And let it go... X

[Donte]

How long is it 'normal' to mourn the loss of a loved one?

My friends and colleagues expected me to be over the death of my partner within a week, two weeks at the most, and a month was going a bit far! A lot of them said to me, 'aren't you over that yet?'

The truth is five years later, I'm not over that yet.

I still see him in my dreams, I still miss him like hell, I still think it was yesterday...

A lot of people just don't understand or don't care. It's like they expect you to be 'just fine' within a week or so after the funeral. And because I am gay some think that I shouldn't be mourning for so long: 'It's not that you were married or that he was your wife', someone said to me recently!

I understand that people need me to be 'okay' because they just don't know how to relate to me if I'm not.

At one point I thought of grief as something time-limited, something that came when someone died, but got 'worked through' in a few months or years in most cases. Now I no longer think that way.

I think it's more accurate to say that death transforms relationships, rather than ending them. What seems necessary for me is not so much distancing from memories of my loved one, but embracing them, and changing the relationship from one based on physical presence to symbolic connection.

The preservation of connection to a vital relationship in the past can give continuity to a life story disrupted by loss, as the survivor undertakes the hard work of inventing a meaningful future.

[dave_h]

it differs all around the world,but we all beleive in grieving our lose