Loss and grief in various cultural groups and communities.

[Donte]

This month is five years since my partner died. Even though it’s been so long ago, some times it feels like yesterday. At other times it feels a hundred years ago.


The family is organizing a get-together dinner on the anniversary and I feel dreadful. I don’t think I have the energy or the emotional capacity to attend but also I’m scared to refuse in case they think I don’t care anymore or that I don’t consider them family nowadays.


Everything reminds me of him.
simple, beloved, everyday things of ours. I drive outside his work and stuck at the lights I find myself unable to move on. Listening to the tunes that we loved, going in the places that we used to hang out. Everything is as it was. But nothing is the same.


The first year I couldn’t function. I hated this city. I didn’t want to be here without him.


All our love used to fill our home, our lives, our hearts. Now I sing alone the songs we both used to sing.


Faces, places, smells, books, films, songs, and words, everything have his name written all over, and the dream is over!
What remains now is memories and sentiments.


Everything reminds me of him
and our closest friends seem all to have moved on.


He was kicked out of home at fifteen and never returned. Cut them all off. Even on his deathbed he didn’t want anything to do with them. I contacted them after his death and met them for the first time at the funeral.


Alone here now, I'm reading the letter he had given me
before we kissed for the first time.


I’m ok. I don’t want you to worry about me. I see a counselor. I’m on antidepressants. I walk and swim and rest. I try to eat well. Have a couple of friends. I take each day as it comes. I have new interests and new work. A daughter whom I love dearly and a dog that has brought me out of the darkest place.

I’m just not the same person anymore. There are certain aspects of us that certain people are able to bring up to the surface. Whoever I used to be with him, because of him, has died with him. And certain aspects of him still live in me. It is very different now. Life has changed.

How do you deal with loss? What’s an appropriate way to express grief in your family? In your culture? In your community? And I’m not only referring to death-related grief but any loss - migration, work, divorce, chronic illness, aging etc all can represent losses that carry grief with them.

Lend me a shoulder to cry on and I’ll lend you mine. X

[Elizabeth CP]

I think every situation is different. When my dad died I became full time carer for my mum so was really busy. The business took my mind off things but the added stress had a huge impact on me. I was very close to my dad so really missed him. I tried to focus on the positives. He was free of pain. I'd had a good life with him & had good memories. Trying to remember the good memories helped to cope with the grief. Religious beliefs also helped. I believed we would be together in the next life.

My current situation is very different. My husband has a degenerative condition. Since his diagnosis his condition has deteriorated so most of the things we enjoyed together are now difficult or impossible. My grief is about the loss of our future & the things that matter to us. He is currently in hospital which is hard as it reminds me that things are going downhill fast. He is unlikely to die but quality of life is guaranteed to be lost.

[Donte]

Hello Elizabeth,

Thank you for joining the discussion. It must be truly horrific to see your husband deteriorating and unable to have control of daily things and maintain his quality of life. You both mourn at the moment, in different ways and for various reasons.

It is undoubtedly a very individual thing, the way we respond to loss and express grief. And each individual responds differently not only to the rest of the population and his/her group and community, but also, different each time they experience loss depending on the connection and significance this person had in their lives.

I read somewhere that moving house or losing your job is as stressful and traumatic for people as losing a loved one. I personally doubt this, and think there’s no comparison. However, I can see how under certain circumstances various individuals would be impacted by the loss in similar ways as if they were faced with a death.

With life-limiting illnesses, when you know there’s no cure and each day brings you closer to the eminent end, you grieve all along - from diagnosis to the actual death; and beyond.

Being a carer is such a tremendously important role and at some levels one that only you can fulfill due to the connection and devotion and love you have. But the time may come where you’ll need additional support and external help, if you aren’t receiving it already. There’s only so much we can do and we get tired and burnt out.

Are there supports you use to assist you in your caring role currently? How do you best deal with your grief on a daily basis? Friends? Family? Counselor? Medications?

In the case of your dad, you have the good memories to draw upon and your faith in an afterlife which is beautiful. But in your current situation, every deterioration in a way takes away the good memories as the current situation requires your full attention. How do you manage to relax? To sleep? To switch off the thoughts but to also plan for the future and keep up with all the practical requirements?

I often wondered what would be worse, to lose a parent or a partner or a child. But as you very well described, it is such an individual thing, depending on your relationship with them and the level of engagement and love.

In terms of mental health and the impact of the loss and the grief that it carries with it, would be good to share traditional ways we were taught and cultural or spiritual notions and beliefs that help us cope, eg faith etc

Take care during this tough time

[Donte]

It’s already been five years
Since he left me here alone
Seems like it was yesterday
When he told me that he don’t ever want to leave me

And, I have longed to hear his voice
And, I have longed to feel his body
A sea of pain overwhelms me
And I call his name
Even when asleep

It’s already been five years without him,
Who would have thought?
But there is no cure for my pain
I feel like an orphan child
Because my heart is missing him.

[Donte]

Today marks five years since his death. He died at 2pm on Sunday 19 May 2013 in my arms, squeezing my hand tightly and looking deeply into my eyes before the morphine injection put him to sleep for ever.


That look in his eyes I’m unable to forget or interpret. It meant so many things, and I hadn’t seen it before.


Through his death, two weeks before he would have turned forty, new relationships have developed - his Mum, his twin sister, relatives and friends that I had never met while he was alive, they’ve all have become a part of my life, simply because of our connection to him.


The urn that I chose for his cremated remains, which I have next to my pillow the last five years, has an engraved tree on it with branches reaching out, symbolizing to me that through his death, other people have connected with me and he has brought us together.


So, tonight, his twin sister will fly down from interstate and his mum will arrive via Vline from country Victoria and together with other relatives and friends from all over we will get together for a memorial dinner in the city in one of his favorite restaurants. My daughter will be joining me also. That is very special indeed. He was a big part of her life too while she was growing up. She couldn’t handle coming to the hospital when he was in intensive care or attending the funeral or anything his family has organized since his death. She had to mourn in her own way.


It is great support to have her there tonight.


I’m not sure what to feel. I don’t think I’m feeling anything in particular at this stage. Just numb. No emotion. No thoughts. I’m drained. My tears have dried out after all these years.


Im just tormented by weird dreams at times. Vivid dreams, not necessarily nightmares, but often with some element of disturb and mingled with images and events where he has been in as well.


I know it’s my mind processing things still. Five years later. Feels like last night. Feels like a million light years away...Memories. Ideas. Fears. Loss. Sadness. Loneliness. Inability to move on or replace him. Inability to engage. To be interested. To care. To want. To have any desire.


Looking forward I guess to some delicious food and see what happens. Dinner is on!

[Lilly18]

Hi, so sorry for your loss. Hopefully you can give me some tips to get through. My fiance passed away 1.5 yrs ago age 28, im left with three children under 7 😞

Dank myself stupid, detoxd, now on antidepressants which are not helping. This life truly sucks

[Donte]

Hello Lilly18,

Thank you for reaching out and welcome to the Multicultural experiences forum.

Thank you for your kind words. Likewise. I am also sorry for your loss. Death is unfathomable. Especially hard to accept in such young age. The last thing anyone imagines at the prime of their life. Kind feels unnatural.

Wish I could make it easier but it’s such an individual journey! Grief morphs into so many diverse ways. There is no right or way to grieve. The loss is vast. There’s nothing that can compare. Nothing.

Sadness, anger, anxiety, depression, apathy etc are all legitimate stages that one goes through. And time doesn’t heal anything. All it does is normalizes the loss. The grief remains in the background and resurfaces unexpectedly and for no particular reason.

Someone once told me, it’s like a rock in the ocean. The water covers it. The waves hide it. But it’s there. Underneath the surface. It’s always there. And when the tide goes in, it becomes visible again.

All I know in the last five years is that nothing has changed but nothing is the same.

Take antidepressants if you need to. Go to bereavement counselling. Create a strong support system around you - Family, friends, neighbors, colleagues, professionals, doctors, counselors etc. Whatever you need to help you.

For me, my daughter forced me to continue living and keep caring for her. I had a duty to her. This gave me purpose and meaning and direction. I also changed jobs. I got a dog! - best thing ever! It forced me to look outside of myself and care for a totally dependent creature. Motivated me to get up each morning. Walk. Talk to people down the street and at the park. Gave me unconditional love, warmth and a living presence that helped me combat loneliness.

Keeping busy helped me to not collapse. Also, living for each day only and concentrating on the now. Breathe. Swim. Sleep. Eat well. Rest. Be kind to yourself. Honor your feelings - cry, scream, laugh etc. you are aloud. You are important. They are not coming back. They live in us. In our memories. That’s all we have - accumulation of memories.

Try to surround yourself with people and things and activities you love. Hope this forum assists you. Hope beyondblue private chat or telephone counseling helps. Hope this webpage and the information it provides supports you.

Please keep engaging. Do it for you. For your children. For your beloved who’s gone. You are not alone! X

[Donte]

I got in the water for a swim
And I forgot my heart behind
I let my heart to touch the depths
Like the seashell in the sand
And I saw the crowds passing by
With bathers and umbrellas
And all my friends who came and went
But no one found the seashell
Years and ages I swim
Where there’s a love for me to turn to?
The sea ate away the rock
And my island remained alone.

[Donte]

Today would have been his birthday.

As I reflect in the last five years since his death I can testify that the death of a loved one is one of the most severe traumas I have encountered (and I have had a good share in my life, from childhood abandonment, sexual abuse, misplacement and migration, divorce, bankruptcy, life-limiting illness etc, to name a few). Of course grief is a natural part of life. Running away from grief postpones sorrow; clinging to grief prolongs pain. Neither leads to healing.

No two people react exactly alike to a loss and there are very significant cultural differences. The most immediate response I felt, - even though I was in the Intensive Care Unit for a whole week and had a clear idea of what was happening, - to his death was shock, numbness, and a sense of disbelief.

Five years later, physical symptoms such as stomach upset, sleep and appetite disturbance and lack of energy are still my reality. Also, I've been more susceptible to illness, nightmares and dreams about him.

I've been through stages of preoccupation with his image, feelings of guilt, hostility, fearfulness, apathy, self-doubt, and emptiness. Loss of exual drive, depressed mood, anger at him for dying, a lack of concentration, and extreme sadness.

My bereavement have caused some changes in family and other relationships and I have been more closed off from others.

What I can say is that in my case what has interfered with 'resolving' my grief has been the avoidance of emotions and overactivity to the point of exhaustion (especially in the first months and year), using alcohol and medications to mask the grief and acting resentful to those who had tried to help.

Now I know that it's more about going through the grief, rather than getting over the loss. By seeing the process through, I hope I have developed personal strengths to cope with other types of loss and difficulties that may arise later in life.

Acceptance of the loss for me means gaining a perspective - a change of self - a new sense of self and what I can do with my life now. What has helped me get to this has been having quiet time alone to think; openly expressing my feelings; saying goodbye in my mind; and trying to focus on what was done for him while he was alive, instead of what 'should have been done' or could have been done.

[Donte]

How are you Elizabeth? How's your husband? I've been thinking about you today. X