Hi Salted Wound,
I am so sorry to hear of your situation, I hope we can be somewhat comforting to you. I know how much it helps to have people to talk to honestly and without judgement - even if it's just a small post on the internet 🙂
It seems it feels everything is crashing all around you? I hear what you're saying about your whole life going around in your mind, I think it is important to remember anxiety and depression distort your perception and you remember things more negatively than you might in a healthier state of mind.
When I am like this I remind myself that it is all just 'catastrophising' - and try to remember there is some possibility that things may be manageable, though I know that may seem crazy to you in your situation. It seems like it would be very scary, esp without family or friends around to support you.
I recently had a major depressive episode and had resigned myself to living with severe chronic fatigue for the rest of my life, I was completely isolated from family and friends. Things seemed completely hopeless. And then life just kept going. I opened up to family, friends, gp and psychologist. I started to get better, one step at a time. I am at uni studying full time now living away from home. The worst thing imaginable is eventually, at worst, manageable. You will get through whatever this turns out to be.
You are not a criminal, you get to decide who you are, no matter what the outcome of tomorrow. I hope you find the strength to let your family know what you are going through before tomorrow, even if it's just hinting at what's going on.
In the meantime I hope you just let yourself breathe! Go for a walk! Talk to people on here about anything at all to try and distract yourself.
Hope it all goes well! I will be thinking of you.
Em
