Does obsessing about pain create more pain? A culture of silence or a culture of telling?

[Donte]

I grew up in a culture of silence. 'Whatever happens in the home stays in the home' was the motto.

When feeling distressing emotions, I was meant to make a conscious effort to let the pain subdue. I was taught that replaying painful memories, talking about my pain with others, or exposing myself to situations that keep the memories active only functions to keep me in distress. At home, at church, at school, in the neighborhood, everyone reinforced this message. My father used to tell me to 'dip my tongue inside my brain before I speak'.

So, does the expression of an emotion act as a reinforcer of the emotion? Does it cause it to be more likely to be felt again in the future?

What's your experience? Is it better to talk about it? Or is it better to distract yourself with something else? Or a bit of both?

For example, if you are feeling depressed, and you talk about your depression with a friend, expressing all of your self-doubts, hopelessness, and sadness, are you more likely to continue to feel depressed? Is it better if your friend stops you from ruminating about your depression and convinces you to go to the movies with him instead? Are you more likely to feel even a little better afterward? Or would it help more if you talk about for a bit but then go to the movies afterwards and distract yourself?

What is the predominant cultural belief around this topic in your community or country of origin?

Does acting on the expressive emotions by talking at length about them strengthen those feelings, or lessens them? Is distracting ourselves preventing us from acting on the depressive emotions? And by doing so, are they more likely to fade away?

Obviously, complicated and enduring mental illnesses like depression or chronic anxiety and panic, are far more difficult to relieve than by just going to a movie. What I'm asking here is: does the more you act on an emotion, the more of that emotion you are likely to feel in the future?

When we feel a strong emotion, we naturally want to express it. But, is the continued expression of an emotion making it stronger? And if that emotion is painful, does the act of sharing it increase the experience of our pain?

How can we help our minds loosen the grip on past distress?

If your cultural or religious upbringing is similar to mine, you may have great difficulties in expressing and sharing your emotions and pain. However, doing it in this forum, anonymously and in the safety of your own home may help you. 🙂

[Hayfa]

Hi Donte'

I think that pain is the result of fear and doubt, when fear and doubt is consuming you then you feel it and it isn't a pleasant feeling, of course it feels very heavy and dark hence known as 'pain'.
Emotions come with one's thoughts about certain situations and events, I believe it is integral to listen to what you are feeling and stop and think about what was going through your head when you had that emotion because by calibrating the two you will make sense of what is happening in your heart and head.
This is a learning process and takes time to master but once mastered you can begin to emit fear and doubt from inside you, instead you will replace fear and doubt with strength and contentment.

I don't think it's about difficulties expressing and sharing emotions and pain because to do this there must be a story behind the emotions and pain. Is it fair to say that the sharing of stories is being discouraged from being expressed? Since acting on an emotion is less likely to allow one to talk and be expressive instead, emotions force one to have a certain behaviour such as crying, anger, violence, screaming...
If one is encouraged to talk about it then they may also have different types emotions from expressing the story such as sadness, crying, remorse, guilt.

I think that most communities regardless of their cultural values probably don't talk about everything that happens in the home but there would be some things that people feel they need to express since this is a part of the human will to connect.
Our peer program is evidence of this, it is all about the sharing and emotional support that is conducive to physical and mental health, there is no doubt that this is communication that is empowering and offers connections and bonds for everyone.

Some communities have thrived and preserved their cultures through oral tradition by passing down and sharing historical stories about life, community and culture.
I know that in middle eastern culture social reputation is paramount so there are things that are not usually shared but there are many that are and being a community of sharing, people can generally express and share.
This can be very individual as well, perhaps it depends on the family and personal upbringing.

Hayfa

[White_Rose]

Hello Donte

Mental illness + pain + pressure to not speak = equals a pressure system that will burst or find some expression eventually.

It's interesting to look at this from a cultural point of view. I grew up in the UK so can only speak from that view. If one of the neighbours had a problem or perhaps a death etc, the neighbours would rally round. I don't know they would talk to the affected person or family directly about what was happening though there must have been some way the news got to the neighbours. Instead they would call in and ask if there was any shopping needed, bring food such as a casserole or cake, and be quietly helping in the background.

From my point of view I believe talking with selected people is a great way to relieve the pressure. There is a great difference between thinking your thoughts and expressing those thoughts. And a difference in thinking/talking to writing. At each stage thinking and beliefs are seen for what they are. There is nothing like writing down a big whinge to see how little of it is real. The same applies to talking about depression and other mental illnesses.

I guess if you live in your country of origin you may conform to the accepted culture without knowing any difference. That's not necessarily bad if those people have a different way of helping. Australia does not have that sort of culture in general, although mental illness still has to gain some credibility. I think talking to friends, family and mental health professionals is a good thing to know how those we care about are being helped.

You must remember I have not been brought up in a different culture. In that respect Australia and the UK are similar in that mental illness is a known illness and is in the public arena. This is why I find it hard to understand complete silence.

Mary

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Donte’ and all,

Great post and equally great responses 🙂

I also come from culture(s) of silence. Traditionally, and even today, mental illness is taboo and considered “shameful” to discuss in my cultures, much less admit to having...

My heritage is one where we don’t typically discuss emotions, let alone mental health. Stoicism is the unspoken but expected response when facing adversity. Emotions and mental health are traditionally not considered priorities in life...

What’s your experience? Is it better to talk about it? Or is it better to distract yourself with something else? Or a bit of both?

I suppose my answer is “it depends.” My willingness and interest in talking fluctuates and is highly circumstantial. My mood is a factor. Sometimes I feel like talking whereas other times, I just don’t feel like opening up at all.

Another key consideration would be the anticipated responses from opening up. Purely as an example, if I predict being lectured or berated then that that would probably discourage me from wanting to talk. But if I predict an emotionally attuned response, I’ll probably be much more likely to want to open up at some point.

In short, as I said, my answer is “it depends”...sometimes I want to talk and other times, I don’t. Sometimes I want distractions but other times, I don’t.

Thanks for this thoughtful and interesting topic 🙂

Pepper xoxo

[Donte]

Hello Hayfa,

Thank you for sharing in this post.

When it comes to mental illnesses such as depression or anxiety etc the symptoms are not necessarily linked to something specific.Fear and doubt may contribute but not always. Thinking of my personal situation, fear and doubt have nothing to do with it. As you have said, each situation is very unique indeed and looking at the individual and hearing their personal experience can help us understand. X

[Donte]

Thank you White Rose for sharing your experience and comparing it with living in the UK.

I had written a thread in the past about meeting a couple of English people who have recently migrated to Australia and they were describing the 'culture shock' they had living here! they had emphasized in their conversation with me that speaking the same language doesn't mean that we (Australians) have the same culture with the English. They still felt like foreigners and migrants here in Australia coming from England.

I suppose, some things are similar across cultures as they are universal. Then there are the cultural responses to these universal needs. And within all that is the individual operating within whatever cultural framework they find themselves in but is a way that no other person within that group or externally does.

So, it may be culturally expected to not share intimate details of what's happening at home (for certain cultures who may seem more quiet or private), however, there are always individuals within those groups that do not abide by the norm. Usually those individuals get marginalized by their own group while simultaneously discriminated against by others who are not of the same background. I definitely have lived this experience and I know that I am not unique in this. Greeks ask me 'what type of Greek I am' and non-Greeks tell me that i am 'such a Greek!'. I laugh at both. They are both right. And they are both wrong.

I do agree with hayfa that peer-support, even such an alien concept for some cultures is beneficial, especially when it is online, and the person can share in their own leisure and disclose as much as they wish within the safety of their online account and pseudonym that they have chosen.

Wish to see more people from culturally and linguistically diverse backgrounds participate in this forum.

[Donte]

Hello Peppermintbach,

Thank you for your post. Yes, it can vary a lot depending on the mood, the issue, the person that we are talking with, the time, the environment etc.

I remember times in the past where I wanted to share with every single person I met that I am gay or that I just seroconverted etc. In time I realized that often this could create more issues as I had to deal with the other person's opinions and beliefs and ideals which often had nothing to do with me or my situation. Or I had to comfort the other person and help them to cope with the news that I had just told them. In time I got tired of trying to educate, inform, support everyone I met so I started thinking 'what is it exactly that I want when I talk to someone?' and depending on the answer I would act.

Sometimes we need validation, other times support, or just to make an impression and even shake the boat in the face of conservatism and/or hypocrisy.

I think the beauty with the internet and online forums is the relative anonymity and safety hiding behind a keyboard which makes it easier to share and 'chat' with others without seeing their facial expressions etc. That is definitely a big positive in helping people open up and share and interact without many inhibitions. Plus, there is always a delete or backspace button that we can use and edit our message prior to posting.

There are so many people from diverse backgrounds who would never openly talk to others about their struggles and yet they would happily post in this forum. It's such a great resource! 🙂

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Donte’ and all,

Your post made me think of something else that I recall reading on the forums. I think it was you (if I remember correctly) who commented on how people often listen to reply rather than to understand or it was something to that effect anyway. For me personally, that’s a deterrent when it comes to talking or opening up...

I feel that’s when emotional attunement has a role to play except I think it’s such a difficult and complex skill to master...

I believe that an emotionally attuned response is when a person can empathise to a point where s/he realises whether advice, validation, comfort, etc is the most appropriate response at the time for a particular person. It’s not about pushing for what I think is “best for them”; it’s about understanding what the person talking/opening up wants and responding in kind to his or her needs...and asking for clarification (and apologising or changing tack) if necessary.

Yes, I agree that anonymity helps especially for people who might not otherwise want to talk/share their struggles and innermost feelings. Very true...

Fantastic post and, as always, I value your insight 🙂

Thanks Donte’

Pepper xoxo

[Donte]

Thank you Pepper.

If I can touch one person, then it's good. X

[Hayfa]

Hi Donte'

Actually depression and anxiety are conditions that occur from events and situations in one's life and the conditions can persist making recovery and moving forward difficult.
It can be very hard to regain strength and a clarity for moving through it because of doubts and fears about the situation that has occurred and doubts and fears of the future, this causes pain.

Hayfa