Dig a little deeper

[Hayfa]

I started to reflect after re-reading many of the posts on this forum, some conversations are brilliant, witty, happy and sad. While reading I sensed a bit of a pattern about discontent, frustration, invisibility of identity and confusion. I couldn't help but feel a bit saddened by some of these posts, I remembered many times while I was growing up asking questions about my culture, background and spiritual beliefs. Very little was said to me because it was complicated but I wanted to know, I insisted on digging deep to find out more since I could see that there was a culture rich in history and beauty and this transcended more than just our art, food and music.

To cut a long story short, I was amazed at the journey of knowledge I have been on and continue to have where i am learning more and digging deeper about my origin, culture and beliefs. In fact I recently found out that my people hold the genetic DNA haplogroup X which was recently discovered to be a new and never before seen DNA group, it is around 135,000 years older than the DNA group originally thought to be the oldest since the Siberian migration. It is a rare DNA and apparently only found in the males of my people, the Druze who are inhabitants of Mt Lebanon, Jordan, Syria and Israel. Studies are currently under way to find out how many more holders of this haplogroup and why only these carriers, so far studies have concluded that the Druze have remained in their lands and haven't intermarried thus preserving that particular DNA.
It is a fascinating subject that has appealed to scientists around the world and caused so many Druze men to go get tested to see if they carry that DNA.

Historically, every cultural group has endured periods of dominance, war, occupation and more, but underneath there is histories rich in beauty and culture and it is worth exploring and digging a little deeper to find out more.
I have noticed the confusion of identity and culture stemming from intergenerational issues, diversity within diversity in these posts and how these have contributed to compromised mental health and wellbeing. I think culture and identity could be rethought in ways personally important and celebrated for the goodness that they can be and personally invoke.
I know some people don't want to dig deeper or don't really care, some are reserved to what they know now which they may have rendered not positive or they are content with simply what is.
Would love to hear your views.

Hayfa

[Donte]

Hello Hayfa,

It’s always nice to hear from you as you bring an insight and different perspective to mine. Personally, like many, I always learn new things in here and appreciate these discussions.

One of the things that strikes me is when you say:

‘Sometimes bad experiences could be preventive mental health risks too, it has been evidenced that having moved through bad experiences and wanting to explore positive experiences of the event can help to move through it and explore different, good perspectives and what they can contribute positively on emotional wellbeing.’

It made me realize that all of my life I have tried to do exactly this- move on from the traumatic experiences (being unwanted/abandoned by my parents, childhood sexual abuse, domestic violence, religious indoctrination and abuse, injuries and seroconversion later in life, bankruptcy and homelessness, and coming face to face with death - to name a few).

It seems here lies my difficulty and greatest challenge: to accept that what has happened is past and learn to live with the irreversible damage and maintain some level of functionality as I go through life knowing that the scars will never leave but it means the wounds have healed.

At some level this is achieved. I have embraced who I am and developed a life (I’m middle aged), and seen from externally, I have done pretty well.

It’s only those nights when the night terrors come and I wake up screaming on top of my voice, covered in sweat and so anxious that I think my heart will pop out of my chest; and other similar moments when nightmares, anxiety and depression and a deep fear and sadness chocks me that I’m reminded that at some level I’m still stuck in the trauma.

This forum has been a blessing and a curse for me. On one hand it provides the opportunity to explore and discuss and revisit trauma in ways that somehow can minimize its impact, and on the other, it has brought me face to face with my wounds again and I have often started scratching them till they bleed.

I guess this is precisely the process of developing the recovery mindset and ‘moving on’...

One cannot embrace, accept and celebrate their strengths and life experiences unless first they acknowledge the deep, often permanent, impact this trauma has caused and how the person comes out compromised on the other end.

No matter how much this experience has been a love/hate one, I still believe it might be helpful in the long run and perhaps worth the pain and tears. X

[Quercus]

Hi Donte,

Glad to see you back posting. You really do sound like you're in pain right now.

Your last two posts I relate to deeply. Both I see as relating to Hayfa's topic of digging deeper.

Firstly your post about facts. It made me smile when you said someone would say feelings trump facts. That is me. You could ask ten people who experience the same event what happened and every story will be different. Because how we feel changes how we see the facts.

And the different views make a significant difference in whether we want to dig or bury any issue. An example is my family. Mum wants no contact with her biological family. I do. She is hurt I keep digging to discover because to her it needs to stay buried and ignored.

Same facts. Unknown heritage. But wildly different needs and wants and feelings and coping mechanisms.

Your second post too is so important. Digging into, questioning, acknowledging and facing any issue can hurt. Badly.

I remember telling a member when I first joined here starting therapy and admitting truths some days felt like a huge mistake. I felt I'd opened a giant can of worms. And there was no stuffing them back in and burying it. It is scary.

For a long time I hurt more. Wondered why on earth I was doing this. But in time I started to feel change. Once you start facing demons daily they very slowly start to lose their power. No longer a shame or secret it slowly allowed me to remember things and feel upset rather than hysterical.

This doesn't sound like much but that small change according to my psych is progress.

My point is digging is a choice. Only you make the choice to do so. And at any time you can take a break. I took a break from therapy because I wasn't curious. At my limit with nothing to give to cope with any new dramas. And that is ok too.

However you manage your mental health is your choice. If digging into the hurt is making you feel worse taking a break is a valid option too.

I hope you are ok.

Nat

[Donte]

That’s beautiful Nat.

Thank you for this insight. Yes, I’m taking a break currently. - Stopped medications. Stopped counseling. And even questioning if this forum does more damage than good at the moment as it makes me furious having to constantly think and engage. My anxiety is over the roof and I feel my brain will explode at most days. So, times like these I prefer to disinfafe, shut down, close shop. No one else can tell you what’s right for you but you.

X