decission on living with my boyfriend and his parents.. what should i do ?

[Nameless12]

Hi, im 25 years old now, currently living in Australia,

Its a bit complicated now, since I'm an overseas student staying in Australia

me and my boyfriend been in the relationship for about 1 and a half year. he's a wonderful guy he loves his parents and his family a lot.

me and him currently living together because of the visa status that i needed to extend the visa in Australia.

I'm only doing this for him, I love living in my country i have my families there, friends and i can do alot more traveling in my own country,

but I'm staying here only for him.

he's coming from Asian families that just got to Australia years ago as well. so his parents (mom especially) is old-fashioned.

sometimes i cant stand the way she talk and also she wanted me to do alot of house stuff, i affraid in the future if i live with them ill be stressed out alot... especially when i have alot of things going on now, im working as a casual worker and in the afternoon ill go to school and im freelancing at night time to earn extra cash

all i do is for my boyfriend.. im happy with where we're now but im not sure if living with his parents will affect our relationship...

he said he wanted to take care of his family in the future but

I wish to live separated from his parents because its really stressing me out even tho I ever stayed over several times on his parent's house for the weekend only.

we'r pretty much broke at the moment but surviving with renting at the same time and we can eat properly. we shared the cooking and cleaning. life is great..

but his parents keep saying that its too expensive to rent out.

but i feel fine with renting. i only want our relationship only stay with us but if his parents are involved I'm not sure where is this gonna go...

i really really love him so much but i don't want to leave him. the tough of leaving him makes me really sad. he's such a wonderful guy...

in the future he's planning to move back to his parent's house because one of his brothers is moving out soon.

i wanted him to think about him self as well. hes doing it only for his parents not for himself he's selfless. but I wish he can do better by living seperated from his parents.

its not like we wouldn't be going to see his parents, we always come on the weekend now to visit them..

he has his little brother in the house but he feel like its gonna be quiet..

what should i do?

[Croix]

Dear Nameless12~

Welcome to the Forum, you have a difficult problem, so perhaps other people's perspectives might help.

A partnership is between two people, not a family, and I think that unless both people think the other person is the most important thing, and everything else comes second, then it makes for a very difficult relationship. In time children may come along, and that can change things a bit, hopefully with both partners wanting their kids to be first.

If you go live with your boyfriend in his family home I'm sure that he will end up having divided loyalties, with duties and obligations to his parents becoming more urgent as they age. At the same time you will be lucky if you remain the center of his focus. I'm not suggesting offspring should not help parents as they get older, just that they have to make their own life and commitments, and doing so at a distance, not in the original family home, most often works well.

Actually I think you already know the answer, if a weekend stresses you out, when you have the knowledge it is only going to last for a couple of days, then being there in a permanent arrangement is not on. You can already see the attitude his mother is likely to take, being a daughter in law who accepts household duties as her lot in life does not sound like you at all.

Do you think that the whole relationship is a little on-sided. You are living in a foreign country away from your family and friends for his sake. What is he doing to look after you in return?

Perhaps a serious discussion with your boyfriend, setting out how you feel may prompt him to see things differently

Croix

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Nameless12,

You sound very frustrated and torn by your dilemma. It must be really stressing you out. You and your partner clearly want a different living arrangement to each other.

I think in many Asian families, or the more traditional ones anyway, parents sometimes expect their children to take care of them into old age. A sense of “filial duty” and “filial reverence” is very strong in some Asian sons and daughters (and also sometimes expected by their parents).

My gentle suggestion is to have a serious discussion with your partner. He sounds very certain of his decision to move back in with his parents. You clearly and understandably want your own space and don’t want to live with his parents.

Perhaps a possible compromise is to move somewhere close to his parents (but not live with them)? That way, he can see them frequently but you also get your own space and don’t have to live with them. But maybe set some boundaries e.g. his parents can’t visit unannounced and that you don’t necessarily want to accompany him every single time he wants to visit them, etc.

Also, I feel Croix raised a valid point about how perhaps this relationship does seem rather one sided. You seem to be the one who is making all the sacrifices...perhaps something to think about. Just a gentle thought...

Kind thoughts,

Pepper

[Peppermintbach]

Hi again,

Sorry, I forgot to give some background about myself.

I’m 2nd gen Australian with some Asian heritage in me. This probably makes no sense right now but if my other post appears, it will make more sense re: my comments on traditional “filial duty”, etc.

I suppose what I’m trying to say is I get where you’re coming from, understand your frustration and want to hopefully be able to support you...

Kind thoughts,

Pepper

[Donte]

Hello Nameless12,

Welcome to the forums. There’s no right or wrong here and we are not counselors. Only exchanging views and experiences and offer support to each other for we are all in the same boat.

It seems your values may be different to your boyfriend’s.

We can never be happy or stay in a relationship just because we love someone and don’t wanna rock the boat. Both people are equally important in a relationship otherwise is not really one. No one needs to compromise their happiness and dreams for somebody else. Life’s too short for that. You are aloud to have your expectations in a relationship. Living with parents is not ideal.

I would talk with my boyfriend, if I was you, and outline the importance of being the two of you alone if you would want your relationship to be nurtured and flourish.

It shouldn’t be his responsibility or yours to look after the parents, and especially in the same house. That would be utterly selfish if it is expected.

Maybe an open and honest discussion will need to take place between you and some hard decisions need to be made. Hope it all goes well x

[blueskye]

A lot of good suggestion here!

Thanks for reaching out, Nameless12 ❤️

Do talk with your boyfriend and see if you two can reach an agreement that you're both happy with.

Listen to his side as well. Perhaps living in his house will mean you can work less because there is no need to pay rent?

I have considered moving out with my boyfriend many times but it would mean we have to work a lot more hours and less time to do other things. I'm a university student and I need to save up whatever I can, alongside keeping my mental health in check / finishing assignments on time / studying / hanging out with my friends, etc. My boyfriend and I have always agreed on staying with our parents in the end. We hope to marry and buy a house one day but that goal takes a lot of money. So maybe by living with his parents, you can save up for other things?

By no means, you should live with his family though if you feel super uncomfortable and it stresses you out too much.

I think you're a very strong person. I'm sure that you and your boyfriend will find a solution ❤️

[blueskye]

I nearly forgot to add - it's a recognized Asian culture for the children to take care of their parents when they're older, so do try and understand from his point of view as well.

Perhaps move into a house closer to their house, like Pepper said and promise his parents that you will come by whenever needed, etc.

[Donte]

This is such an interesting thread from a cultural diversity perspective. Does every Asian look after their elderly parents? And what happens if they don’t? - Who looks after the elderly and how are they seen from others in their community (if their children don’t look after them). Also, how are the adult children perceived?

Of course, we need to also differentiate what do we mean by ‘Asian’ culture? This is as vast a statement as saying ‘Western’ culture.

Surely, there are thousands of Asian cultures and thousands upon thousands subcultures within the dominant ones. This is the case in every single culture on earth. There is never ‘a’ culture.

Wonderimg also, what happens to elderly people who have no children. What happens to the ones who’s children died before them?

Is such an expectation carried on here in Australia? And is it the same expectation for daughters as for sons?

I’d like to learn more about this. I find it fascinating topic.