Were you aloud to be yourself while growing up? How about now?

[Donte]

I, like many other children grew up in a culture and an era where I wasn't aloud to speak.

Having an opinion and questioning authority was punishable at home and at school. During my primary school years we had a military government and everything was regulated heavily - the news, the tv, the educaation, information, even the time we were aloud to be out on the streets etc. I remember soldiers with guns in their hands standing in every corner of our city.

It was shameful and disrespectful to answer back or wanting to know; having an opinion. People used to be imprisoned or sentenced for that!

My voice wasn't heard. I was beaten with my father's leather belt often and sent to bed hungry simply because I needed to know.
'Silence is golden' my mother would say. Sshh...

When I was crying or laughed or talked at the table or played I was told off for making noise. At school I was often punished and had to do detention or the teachers would ask me to stand in front of the whole class and beat me with a ruler or pull me by the hair because I was talking too much.

All of my life I was told what to think, not how to think.

"Mind your own business and stay out of trouble' my father would say.

When I started work, again, head down and 'do as you are told' was the message I got from my bosses and colleagues. When I got married and had a child; my wife and my mother early on started teaching the same principles to my daughter. The message was clear, 'don't ask too much. Stay out of the way'.

You see generation after generation everyone seemed to declare: 'Pretend you didn't see anything. It's better this way.'
So we had a mouth but no voice.
I grew up, succeeded in my studies, reached high goals; received medals and rewards, bought property, lived a great lifestyle but the message was always the same: 'Don't speak. Don't say a word!'

Well, it took me almost four decades but finally one day I decided enough is enough and not only I started to speak my mind, but I actually shouted, screamed with all my strength and might: I AM ALOUD!

What's your experience growing up in the era and place that you did? Has this impacted you negatively? Have you done something about it?

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Donte’ and anyone else reading,

I know you have had a wealth of life experiences and continue to learn and evolve each day 🙂

So much change has happened in your life. Aside from circumstancial changes, it seems your outlook and perception has also shifted drastically over time.

You have found your inner voice and feel comfortable to express it to the world these days. I feel that’s an enormous achievement especially considering the values you grew up with plus the message you internalised for years about “silence.”

My personal experience growing up was confusing and, um, interesting in ways. I often felt torn between multiple cultures and worldviews.

Some of my (rather overbearing) extended family who were mostly migrants clung to their traditions probably even more so than if they had stayed in their country of birth. I understand some of it was driven by fear and anxiety...

But our wider community (including my friends and their families) generally held very liberal views so I often felt quite torn between the two.

My experience growing up could probably be summed up as feeling very conflicted between multiple cultures and ideologies.

Great thread!

Pepper x

[blueskye]

Hi Donte,

I can relate!

I was disciplined when I was young to not be a nuisance - which included not talking at dinner time because Dad wanted to watch/listen to the News on the TV in front of us, to sit and be patient at family friend's houses, not to run in the house, and to be polite, etc.

My Mum's way of discipline sucked. I did some naughty stuff as a kid - e.g. accidentally knocked over a vase when playing hide-and-seek in the house. I got my hands and butt hit by the handle of a feather duster. I still remember the feather duster clearly. It hurt a LOT. I dreaded it. Mum later transitioned to a ruler later on which was just as bad. I remember crying my eyes out in the bathroom with stinging red marks on my hands and butt. My version of "time-out" (where white Australians sit on a chair to reflect on what they did wrong), mine was standing in the same spot for ages to reflect on my wrongdoings.

Getting hit by a feather duster/ruler was my Asian mum's method of discipline. It worked but it hurt so much. Some people may think - CHILD ABUSE!! I personally think that it's wrong too. However, it's a very common Asian method of discipline and it's widely accepted in the Asian culture.

I'm definitely not gonna to pass it on the hitting when I have my own children. My sister, however, said that she definitely will, even though she had her own share of being hit.

I'm currently still living at home with my family but I have a lot more freedom. My mum is more chill now that I'm older, thank gosh. I've learned to think for myself of what's right and what's wrong.

[Donte]

Thank you for sharing your experience Bluesky,

It’s interesting that some things, like methods of discipline, viewed as abusive today, were totally acceptable and common in older days. And this even in cultures who are very different.

In Europe too, hitting and spanking were acceptable methods of punishing a child, at home or school. It may be a generational or era thing.

Of course, we cannot judge with the eyes of today and our current cultural norms as this wasn’t the case back then and different set of ideals and rules were applicable. Nevertheless, this doesn’t minimize the psychological damage and the impact on mental health of the individual, not only as a child experiencing this, but even decades later as an adult.

With my daughter, I have been very permissive and consciously looked at situations through her eyes and point of views. This has taught me a lot of new things and has helped me heal my own childhood wounds.

I think when we have a child, we often get a second chance to re-live our childhood experiences through them but this time the roles are reversed and we are the parent.

If we are sensitive and aware and open to this, it can teach us multitudes and help us heal, forgive, understand and grow as individuals. But we must humble enough to be vulnerable and accept and admit that we don’t know everything, we are not experts, we are not the ultimate authority, and we are learning as we go. The world is a different place today. We cannot apply old world views to a new era and expect it to work.

It can be the most challenging and painful thing to let ourselves experience and learn along with our children as the ego will struggle and won’t easily give in, but if we persevere, the power struggle to control eventually looses its influence and true wisdom and inner peace eventuates.

My family have recognized how different I have been raising my daughter and even though most criticize and judge me about it, my brother on ocassions has mentioned what an amazing breakthrough I have achieved in comparison with the horrible way we were raised.

I tend to think, this is our only chance for redemption.