CPTSD - is the way out?

[Vero]

I have been most definitely more lucky in life than unlucky.
My background

Abuse, abandonment, traumas and some horrific fights but had a personality of a fighter, overcomer, driven, achieve and make difference for others. Received years of psych assistance and still depending on a regular contact with a very good and dependable psych. Have a loving and supportive husband, children and 2 special ptsd dogs. 4 years ago I took sabbatical to confront general and mental health issues. 2 years ago I started easing into work activities again but this time setting a new business. I had businesses before but unlike then this time I did not have any time constraints and good financial support = lots of fun. I have overcome suicidal thoughts. This coincided with restoration of my health after years of veganism. I have studied Tai Chi, Reiki, tapping and spirituality with remarkable teachers and expended their teachings taking myself further in knowledge, understanding, practice and experiences. I would love to have a sip of wine or take medication to ease the pain, terror, flashbacks, anxiety and despair but I cannot. Having sense of control is very important to me and I see triumph is in resolving the issues, not applying the Band-Aid. I can make friends easily but I loose them as quickly. Small talk is a hard work for me and I get enjoyment from the subtlest things so too much festivity paralyses me. I am alone which is paradoxically awful and sweet at the same time. I used to believe understanding of abusers would make a significant difference. It doesn’t. I used to think securing apologies from perpetrators would make a difference. It doesn’t. I used to think they punishment would be satisfying. It is not.
The “night terrors”, triggers are always inside me waiting to be released in a crisis situation, take over. I see no way of overprinting the memories and thus altering the chain of reaction – Or addressing it from the other way around effectively. I used to burry myself in work to push this feeling away. It does not go away.
My point
No matter how much effort I put in logical self-argument, thought control and other “tricks of the trade”, I cannot stop, or disarm the low perception of self, my feeling of inadequacy, not belonging, not enough, being ballast to those around me. I feel being somewhat functional is the only outcome one can really hope for CPSTD. But being “functional” of today is more limited than being “functional” of yesterday.

[Vero]

Hi Donte,

strange day, very low key, relaxing time.

i looked at my dogs and how one of them, coming from a large pack, is always focused on food. This is despite food being available to her 24/7; 2 freshly cooked a day; treats. She is with us now a year. We believed in umwelt theory of environment determining responses. However her responses formed in her early age with the breeder, pre 10 weeks old period. I noted our efforts to disarm/ override this anxiety in he environment have not been effective.

i compared this to my own situation, where I am in a loving and supportive environment, comfortable. Still my self worth is low. I recite my achievements and the I dismiss them. I concluded that no matter how big is the external effort, the change of perception must come from within. In my case I must realise/ embrace my worth.

Then I theorise about seetting up an exposure therapy to deal with my low self worth. I got rid of ocd this way. So I looked at the necessary elements for it to work. I would need to subject myself to abuse and brutality. A bit like a psychological boot camp. However I realised this would not have an impact on me unless the brutality and abuse would be delivered by people I care about, like my husband. The thought of him yelling at me made me cringed. I could not take such a treatment from him. That would destroy me.

I shared my thoughts with my husband and he made a comment that perhaps I am giving weight and value to opinions of people whos views on me are irrelevant and I would not respect in normal circumstances. Then I glanced at my parents and judged them for their parenting. They had no idea about parenthood. They supposed to protect me, instead they abused me. Couple of miserable cowards with sadistic sense of relief. Despicable pair of twisted and morally bankrupt idiots. Their observation, processing and analysis skills were somewhere Neanderthal. Their judgement on any topic has no validity. Their judgement about me has no validity.

I am worthy. I am remarkable.

[Donte]

Hello Vero,

Great parallelism. We learn so much just by observing our pets and their behaviours. We are not much different. It's good to be mindful and have that insight, the awareness. It help us remain on the recovery mindset.

Low key is good. Relaxing is even better!

People often ask me what am I doing on the weekend, or on xmas, or Australia day, easter etc...my response is always the same: 'avoid it'.

No plans, no expectations and no disappointments. Taking it as it comes, when it comes and if it comes.

"The change of perception must come from within." - What a powerful statement indeed. Only we can decide to change whatever it is that doesn't serve us no more.

In regards to opinions of others' I usually say jokingly: 'Unless you feed me, pay my bills or sleep with me, your opinion is worthless'. (People laugh, but I actually mean it.)

Others are entitled to believe whatever they like. And I acknowledge their beliefs and ideas. Clearly they serve them something and that's why they are clinging to them. But they are not mine. And I have nothing to do with them as they have nothing to do with me...

As a middle aged person now, looking back with my eyes of today to my abusive childhood I often feel I should probably sue and divorce my parents. They should had never had children. However, I also realise that they mean nothing to me now and they haven't been part of life for three decades. I'm a grown up now, and that little child that didn't receive love, acceptance and validation, care and safety and nurturing etc is not a little child anymore.

I also am worthy, and I am remarkable. Thank you for reminding me. Let's write this on our bathroom mirror and read it aloud each morning and evening! Great thought! X

[Vero]

Hi Donte,

your reflection makes me smile.

The self worth realisation came suddenly and it feels I am so much lighter. I want to laugh all the time.

I put on a tiara and imagined myself to be a queen of my universe. I stretched to be a giant. At the same time I imagined my parents as 2 amebas in a Petri dish. Wow, it felt good. Risk managing a potential return of any self sabotaging I set a “safety” key phrase: “...in the opinion of 2 amebas you are zero, idiot and cretin” ( in a helium voice, coming from a Petri dish) . OMG got stitches from laughter.

[Vero]

Flat out with studies. Maintaining my newly found sense of self worth and exercise program.

Interestingly, feel there is some break through with my chronic anxiety. I had an opportunity to finally experience windows on to a state of non anxiety. A very different view.

The well meaning exercises of repeating “I am safe” never worked for me. Now I understand why. If a person never experienced safety how could she/he relate to the concept of safety? Common concepts mean different things to all of us.

[Donte]

Hello Vero,

Good to hear you are busy with something that provides you with stimulation and interest. It’s good to be busy sometimes. We get distracted and our attention shifts to something else. This in itself can be refreshing and beneficial.

Love your observation on the ‘safety’ mantras. Thank you for elaborating on this. It makes good sense. X

[Donte]

Sometimes is challenging to maintain resilience and that is why looking after ourselves is pivotal. This is particularly important for those of us who have experienced trauma. We can't have empathy and compassion for anybody else if we have not develop it within ourselves.

When we are burnout we may be irritable, frustrated, anxious and easily angered. A sense of fear often lingers in our lives even if unexplained or irrational. Disturbed sleep, nightmares, racing or invasive thoughts are just some of the symptoms of vicarious trauma. Feeling an increased sense of responsibility, problems with managing boundaries, loss of connection with self and others, and loss of a sense of our own identity, together with increased need to be alone, and to control events or outcomes, while simultaneously experiencing loss of pleasure in daily living and common activities.

So how can we start prioritizing for our self? I guess, at the very least, some basic self-care practices like eating well, sleeping and getting enough fresh air, sun and exercise and hydrate, are pivotal to support a sense of well being and grounding. However, to feel truly well and on top of it all, we need to delve a little deeper.

This forum is one of the ways to take time to speak about how life is impacting us, open up and really let it out. There are a bunch of mindfulness and meditation apps and pod casts available on iPhone and android that can help us at times when we are going through a tough time and are all alone. Some are free, however some have a fee.

Check out - insight timer - app

buddhify meditation - app
Headspace - app
Smiling Mind - app
meditation pod cast
Tara Brach - pod cast

Wondering if others have found these helpful. Also, would you know of some in other languages?

[Donte]

A friend told me today: ‘You arent responsible for your actions because you don't understand them. You didn't create yourself, so you are not responsible for your creation. The person you are now has no more or less understanding / control than the person you were at 3. Everything is governed by chemical and physical systems beyond your understanding. You don't eat breath sleep by choice, they are necessities, hence your continual existence, even now is not by the result of your own choice, but of your nature. Your nature you cannot possibly be responsible for. Your body and psyche respond to stimuli in predictable patterns, and you have no control over it. Your likes and dislikes, sexual orientation, predispositions, etc. All encoded into your DNA.’

[Donte]

Incidentally, many of the greatest minds in human history were rightly skeptical of free will.

Einstein, for example, said that when it comes to human free will "I am definitely a disbeliever. Everybody acts not only under external compulsion but also in accordance with inner necessity. Schopenhauer's saying, that "a man can do as he will, but not will as he will," has been an inspiration to me since my youth up, and a continual consolation and unfailing well-spring of patience in the face of the hardships of life, my own and others'. This feeling mercifully mitigates the sense of responsibility which so easily becomes paralyzing, and it prevents us from taking ourselves and other people too seriously; it conduces to a view of life in which humor, above all, has its due place."

So, in other words, an attitude of "blame" actually REQUIRES belief in free will.

A person who doesn't believe in free will can maintain an attitude of humor, understanding, and maybe even forgiveness towards other human beings.