CPTSD - is the way out?

[Vero]

I have been most definitely more lucky in life than unlucky.
My background

Abuse, abandonment, traumas and some horrific fights but had a personality of a fighter, overcomer, driven, achieve and make difference for others. Received years of psych assistance and still depending on a regular contact with a very good and dependable psych. Have a loving and supportive husband, children and 2 special ptsd dogs. 4 years ago I took sabbatical to confront general and mental health issues. 2 years ago I started easing into work activities again but this time setting a new business. I had businesses before but unlike then this time I did not have any time constraints and good financial support = lots of fun. I have overcome suicidal thoughts. This coincided with restoration of my health after years of veganism. I have studied Tai Chi, Reiki, tapping and spirituality with remarkable teachers and expended their teachings taking myself further in knowledge, understanding, practice and experiences. I would love to have a sip of wine or take medication to ease the pain, terror, flashbacks, anxiety and despair but I cannot. Having sense of control is very important to me and I see triumph is in resolving the issues, not applying the Band-Aid. I can make friends easily but I loose them as quickly. Small talk is a hard work for me and I get enjoyment from the subtlest things so too much festivity paralyses me. I am alone which is paradoxically awful and sweet at the same time. I used to believe understanding of abusers would make a significant difference. It doesn’t. I used to think securing apologies from perpetrators would make a difference. It doesn’t. I used to think they punishment would be satisfying. It is not.
The “night terrors”, triggers are always inside me waiting to be released in a crisis situation, take over. I see no way of overprinting the memories and thus altering the chain of reaction – Or addressing it from the other way around effectively. I used to burry myself in work to push this feeling away. It does not go away.
My point
No matter how much effort I put in logical self-argument, thought control and other “tricks of the trade”, I cannot stop, or disarm the low perception of self, my feeling of inadequacy, not belonging, not enough, being ballast to those around me. I feel being somewhat functional is the only outcome one can really hope for CPSTD. But being “functional” of today is more limited than being “functional” of yesterday.

[Vero]

Changing career

i came to realisation that changing my career maybe be necessary. My nervous system maybe damaged and my attitude towards “me” has changed. I am no longer prepared to sacrifice my time, feet, back and eyesight, and mind to achieve desired work outcome. I set high standards, and feel I am not capable of lowering them. My current profession has limited employability and transferability.

I look at all my studies, practice, volunteering and passion to date. I have pushed and challenged myself to get the best results. The accomplishments felt satisfying at the time but on reflection it was an “empty”, superficial satisfaction. I was chasing validation, recognition and acknowledgement to offset my feeling of being redundant, inadequate and not belonging. I did not see and realise this until now. My work was my crutch, my church, my religion.

somewhat I feel an aggressive discomfort relating to my job now. It is like an old friend has betrayed me, used me, made my life a grotesque spectacle. This career has now a new negative association, reminding me of my personal desperation. I hope I will be able to keep this aversion at bay until I am employable in my new career.

I identified law as a most likely career replacement for it involves no hands on manual skills, good attention to detail, analysis, research and good organisational skills. It offers dependable employability, reasonable pay and different career paths. It answers to my career search conditions for: power, status, flexibility and $.

Power/ protection - my immigrant non English background lent me in too many situations where I was taken advantage or expected to accept being exploited. As a law professional I should be able to safeguard my interests, defend myself if need be and deter against some exploitation.

status - this is a well recognised profession. Despite the usual mediocrity, collusion and other shabby practices I have witnessed, this profession is generally respected. Being part of a well known and respected profession should boost my fragile sense of self worth.

flexibility - not at first but in time I maybe able to work independently. If I get accepted, I will start looking for 1 day a week internship with any legal practice.

$ - money provides for comfortable, less stressful living.

I have placed applications at 2 unis and waiting for offers. Both unis offer the course in trimesters. The next one starts 9 July.

[Donte]

Hi Vero,

It’s great to hear from you again and what a great idea to continue engaging in here as a means of journaling and additional support to your therapies.

This way you can always look back and reflect on the progress and the setbacks. And while doing that, you also help and inspire others!

There is empowerment in sharing our stories.

It seems you’ve got your priorities right and your goals are specific, measurable, adjustable, realistic and time specific. This is truly effective goal setting - you know what you’re shooting for, and your goals seem aligned with your core values.

It is very difficult to set goals if you do not even know what you want or cannot even imagine what you need (which is where most people are at).

You seem to have used your imagination and are able to imagine the many possibilities that would have a positive impact on your health and well-being. And, according to Einstein, imagination is greater than knowledge.

Continue from here, until you have long term and some short term goals, then act, get started as soon as you can.

I do not know what ‘exposure therapy’ is but I will look it up. It sounds like a helpful tool to assist in the recovery mindset. X

[Donte]

Wow Vero!

Well done!

Your insight and level of awareness is truly phenomenal! Imagine stating this at your 'exit interview' when you leave your current position! It is astonishing! beautiful analysis and clarity of who you are, why you are here and the reasons for moving on and where you'd like to be! Excellent stuff!

I have no doubt that you will succeed in your endeavours and needless to say I don't need to say 'good luck'!

Truly inspirational reading!

Thank you X

[Vero]

Hi Donte,

thank you so much for your enthusiasm and encouragement. I appreciate this a lot.

i have not been on the site for a while, trust you are ok.

I’ve approached the career change and the issue of self worth systematically and together. I read a post by someone on the service ptsd thread that he successfully utilised exercise in getting over the “hump”. I thought it maybe worth for me to try it. In the past physical activity was first to get dropped. I have self parented and self imposed discipline “held” me effectively for years. So planning, having schedules may give me some sense of comfort.

• I’ve get back to swimming. It forces rhythmic deep breathing. Water soothes. I have noticed this activity being remarkably effective in temporary lessening of anxiety. My thoughts are with counting the laps.
• got pt to set me up for a month of easing in exercises. I deeply dislike gym so this is to get me hooked on being there and using the equipment. Although I am awar I would need to continue for at least 90 visits to make a habit.
• I continue walking dogs daily.
• pressure puncture to charge kidney essence to support adrenals. Sadly chronic life long anxiety “feeds” on that energy. Repeating “safety” mantras does not work. However I have noticed memory of swimming does for a while.
• Started on 1 art session daily when possible. A quick 15-20min any and all media, no subject limit. All artworks to date are on one and the same subject. I can see the progression of expression from day one attempting to depict a physical form to now just focusing on emotion.
• Spoken to my psych who recommended the writing exercise of recalling moments I am proud of myself. Started ppt, each slide is one experience, planned chronologically to age of 5, 10, 20, etc. Still on up to 5 years old. Noticed a schism. I cannot accept and find hard to acknowledge goodness or value in me but would admire such in others.
• My psych was very confronted by the idea of changing career. Departing from a career fueled by passion. Sad but I cannot take this stress anymore. No doubt we will drill this subject at the next session. Fact is I have to resolve the self worth issue no matter what I do. My husband has pointed out to me that perhaps this is a sign of change. I would not let go of this career in the past.
• got offers and accepted more commercially focused course. Took 2 subjects only but topics are new and my mind needs to get “re-wired”.

Tired after sleepless night

[Donte]

Wow Vero!

I’m speechless and breathless reading the amount and variety of activities and strategies you’ve implemented in such a short time to self-help.

One cannot say that you’re not trying. You also have the awareness of benefits and the knowledge needed to carry them through.

Keep applying this and remain active until it becomes a routine. Until it is your normality and lifestyle.

Would be good to keep a journal and record successes and setbacks as well as how you feel on day to day basis - physically and mentally/emotionally.

Hope you can also systematically take time off to rest, reflect, relax and rejuvenate and also don’t forget to enjoy and have fun!

You are on a recovery mindset it seems.

We are all here for you anytime you need us. X

[Vero]

Hi Donte,

thank you for your encouragement and believing in me. I am not sure I do. I am annoyed at my constant anxiety and a profound self doubt. There is a part of me who would put up a fight, endure, strategise and be creative and drive to achieve set goal with single minded focus and determination. And it hurts when another part of me would question everything with the intent to devalue, derail, self belittle.

My psych believes my brain needs to be rewired. Persiving threats outside of me is one thing but seeing myself as a threat to the world is another. Until very recently I had to justify every minute of my exhistence to be productive, contributing, justifying my presence amongst living. It continues to be a wander for me to see people enjoy non productive activities like reading a fiction book. Yes I have tried this about 4 years ago on psych recommendation. Failed miserably. After reading for years for study or work only I had difficulty reading fiction and could not sustain attention. I skimmed through the book looking for facts!!! Now I binge watch tv series while I get on with house work. It is a progress I guess. On the flip side this “must be productive to justify my exhistance” would suit Potter in his Centrelink saga of redefining disability and employability. I just cannot imagine how people with paralysing depression, anxiety and without financial support of their families supposed to manage and negotiate gov bureaucracy.

in rewiring human brain, there was some research recently on the successful use of some psychodellic drug. Any idea how to get to volunteer for such tests?

[Donte]

Hello Vero,

Always nice to hear back from you. Reading your post all I could think of was - ‘be kind to yourself’.

Often it’s not us, it’s our illness speaking. It’s good to be able to recognize those times and reply accordingly.

I take long breaths. Sleep. Walk.

There are times where my anxiety doesn’t let me read a page. Other times I do not leave the house. There are usually some hours or minutes each day where I feel the most productive. I like to utilize these times towards something productive.

For you it may be the reverse. It could be a matter of becoming aware of the moments where you can relax and let yourself enjoy something totally unproductive and then let yourself be. We are human beings not human doings.

When our condition reminds us of our disabilities, it is time to remind it of our abilities!

Anything that we have learn we can also unlearn and relearn. It’s a lifelong process. Enjoy each step. And take your time. X

[Donte]

Hi Vero,

When my anxiety overwhelms me or when my depression drains me to the point that I can't function or do the basics, I make it my goal to do only one thing in each moment.

It is almost impossible to be fully present for the person who sits in front of you, to experience the joy of a wonderful meal, or even to get the most out of an exercise workout when your mind is jumping between two or more things. You miss the satisfaction and joy of the present moment when you aren't focused on it or when you treat the moment as simply a way to get to the next one.

Whenever life starts piling up, and the stress mounts, I find it extraordinarily helpful to take some time and make a short list of the things that are really important. Then I take that list and do one thing at a time to completion until the list is complete.

It's amazing how powerful this skill is in containing the stress and anxiety that often accompanies feeling overwhelmed.

This skill not only helps to manage your own emotions but also is very powerful in building relationships with others.

It is possible to actually miss the experience of your life by being too distracted with multitasking. Sometimes we create so much busyness and activity that we fail to truly engage with what is present. For example, I can remember organizing a dinner party and was so involved in making all the details happen that I wasn't able to really experience the joy of the event.

Life is just like this - many times we are so caught up in all the busyness that we aren't able to be present for the experience.

When we aren't fully present, we can't feel joy.

[Vero]

Hi Donte,

Good points. Thank you.

my kindness to self is better than what it used to be. Certainly worked hard on this for the past 5 years and I can see things has changed. I have more relaxed attitude. Perhaps because of it I am coming undone, things coming to surface to be adjusted and dealt with. Perhaps it is time to Challange “I’m not good enough” that haunted my whole life. Perhaps I have nothing to prove and I’m good enough or perhaps it is enough I am.

Maybe I don’t need another degree but yet again I don’t put trust in provenance.

It is interesting when you have described disability pushing forth our abilities. Like this. I need to find this ability somewhere. What I have done for years is adopted this copying mechanism that did not resolve anything but get me going. When Stress, deadlines, pressures got too much I would switched to a single focus on a single project and cut everything else out including thoughts. There would be no past, future - I would sublimate all my skills and senses on the project. Now I have an inner resistance - I don’t want to do it anymore.

I like your suggestion about the reminder of things that are really important. Kind of like a gratitude exercise. I will get that going.

[Donte]

Hi Vero,

You seem to have done a lot of work and improvements in your life to bring you to the point you are now. Don’t despair my friend.

When things get overwhelmingly stressful and you find yourself struggling to function, take a minute to have a look back and you’ll regain your strength as you will be reminded of the hurdles you’ve overcomed and your progress.

I always have to remind myself: ‘I’m aloud.’

No pressure. Give yourself the license to be. Do it in your own pace. It’s all ok. And if you happen to ‘fail’ there’s something to be learned from this. So take the lesson with you and get up and start your next step.

Luckily, we are only competing with ourselves. X