56 years of turmoil

[Irmgard]

I often wish I'd never been born because life is just too hard. As a child i witnessed endless occasions of domestic violence and was sexually abused by my older brother from 11 to 14. I never fitted in anywhere and was made fun of for being different. At 26 i witnessed a man get murdered after coming to my aid while being mugged and being violently attacked. He died. I almost died too that day but escaped.

I have lived in 4 different countries, always running. Settled in Oz eventually and had 2 kids, now grown with problems of their own. Divorced when they were still little, better than an ugly marriage.

Recently gave up my rental home. Too expensive. Moved into a share house and got thrown out after 2 weeks. My daughter took me in but her BF hates me. My grandaughter and i have a close bond which keeps me going but my daughter sided with her BF and threw me out less than a week after i broke my arm. Her best friend took me in, which my daughter insisted upon but now accuses me of "stealing" her friend and now refuses me access to my grandaughter.

I can't win. I've worked like a trooper all my life. I'm kind to animals and old people. I do my positive best by all persons but i very rarely get the same in return. I've had depression/anxiety/PTSD for so long now im worn out and just want to opt out so badly. Have tried to end my life 4 times since i was15. Just can't see the light any more.

[Vero]

Hi Donte, thank you for asking. Shaking off the latest crisis - I hope. Surprisingly this site helps although some stories make me tearful.

[Donte]

That’s good to hear Vero.

There is something about sharing our story that is empowering. We hear ourselves talk or we write/type in this forum and somehow it is like we give permission to ourselves to release an aspect of the trauma.

Each time we share our story, it seems that the impact of the trauma lessens.

It is good to be in this forum. I have found it very helpful for my situation. And it is different to sharing in social media for example, as here the content is within the parameters of our community rules and the threads are regulated by our moderators. This ensures the safety and support of our members and the aim is always to approach every situation with kindness, empathy and care and share stories and experiences that impact on our wellbeing as well as strategies on how to navigate all these shared by other members who have been in similar circumstances.

The anonymity and accessibility of this site that gives us the opportunity to participate 24/7 no matter where we are from, is a powerful motivator in itself.

Keep sharing. It can truly help lessen the impact and help release aspects of the trauma that can hibernate inside us. X

[Donte]

Consider for a moment if you will, that what we call our ‘personality’ is actually just a composite of habits and behavioral patterns we developed to talk with trauma.

Now ask yourself, ‘how am I outside of my pain?’

Who would I be if I stopped living life as a product of my story?

[Donte]

*to cope with trauma.

(Apologies for the autocorrect mistakes when I type from my phone).

[Vero]

Hi Donte,

Is it that personality is always acquired ? And perhaps because of it, it is not a singular affair? I think I could isolate several archetypes within myself. None is significantly prominent, subtly morning from one to another and all are equally fragile. on reflection, the recent crisis is actually nothing less or more than a “life threat” to one of the personas.

Writing it now makes me smile. A light globe moment! So one of the personality constructs/ plug ins was threatened and terrorised the “host”. So it has a power to force, influence, inspire and drive the “host”. “Host” is not aware of it; “host” would not survive without the crutch/ construct/ plug in or would it? What would become of host without the crutch of personalities? Is the “host” just a frame? Or not, after all there is a consistent flavour to the personalities. Wow! Any thoughts on this???

[Donte]

Wow Vero!

The depth and level of awareness you display is incredible!

It’s good when we can see so clearly what is the core of our issues.

The light globe moments are incredible! And unsettling. But necessary.

Keep asking these questions.

Would be interesting to hear where this leads you. X