56 years of turmoil

[Irmgard]

I often wish I'd never been born because life is just too hard. As a child i witnessed endless occasions of domestic violence and was sexually abused by my older brother from 11 to 14. I never fitted in anywhere and was made fun of for being different. At 26 i witnessed a man get murdered after coming to my aid while being mugged and being violently attacked. He died. I almost died too that day but escaped.

I have lived in 4 different countries, always running. Settled in Oz eventually and had 2 kids, now grown with problems of their own. Divorced when they were still little, better than an ugly marriage.

Recently gave up my rental home. Too expensive. Moved into a share house and got thrown out after 2 weeks. My daughter took me in but her BF hates me. My grandaughter and i have a close bond which keeps me going but my daughter sided with her BF and threw me out less than a week after i broke my arm. Her best friend took me in, which my daughter insisted upon but now accuses me of "stealing" her friend and now refuses me access to my grandaughter.

I can't win. I've worked like a trooper all my life. I'm kind to animals and old people. I do my positive best by all persons but i very rarely get the same in return. I've had depression/anxiety/PTSD for so long now im worn out and just want to opt out so badly. Have tried to end my life 4 times since i was15. Just can't see the light any more.

[Donte]

Hello Irmgard,

Thank you for reaching out in this forum and sharing your story. You’ve been through so much in your life! So much pain and trauma from early on. Despite the hardships, you’ve raised children and survived displaying extraordinary strength and resilience and that’s some amazing quality. You are a survivor and keep going on, in the midst of all these terrible circumstances and despite how incredibly taxing this is on you. I hope you have supports available (informal or formal) to chat and share and help you in this particular stage in your life. I’m glad that you have accessed the BeyondBlue website and hope you’ll get the support you need. X

[J_M_12345]

Hi Irmgard,

My first reaction reading your post is "oh my" because you have been through so much. And yet you're still here, still fighting and still brave enough to post and share your story here in the forums. I admire your strength and aspire to develop that strength too.

You say you can't win, but I disagree. I think you are a winner, because life has hit you hard time and time again, and all that time, you've never failed to get back up again.

In saying that, sometimes it's okay not to be okay. It's okay and normal in fact for you to feel very down and depressed sometimes because of what you've been through. The important thing is to reach out for help when you need it and to stay safe.

It sounds like you've seen medical professionals already, so I'd say make sure you're regularly visiting your healthcare professional, especially when that depression starts to set in again. They might recommend a new type of therapy, more therapy or a change in meds for example.

Last but not least, if you ever feel unsafe or are seriously considering harming yourself, always call 000. Lifeline is also helpful on 13 11 14. I also encourage you to keep posting on these forums when you need advice or just want to rant. Know that you're not alone, and though you've had bad experiences with people in the past, there are still good people out there who are willing to help and listen.

Hang in there.

Josette

[Donte]

Great advice Josette,

(and hello irmgard,

Sometimes it’s ok to not be ok. It’s ok to allow ourselves to grieve over what’s lost and it’s a necessary part of recovery. Also, reminding ourselves how strong and resilient we are by looking back and seeing how far we’ve come can help too. And of course continue our therapy and medication management knowing there will be good days and bad days. There will be times when we feel totally overwhelmed and others where we can be proud of how resilient we are. It’s great to share in this forums as not only we help our selves dissect and analyze and think about where we are right now but also assist others in the process who may be in the same or similar predicament. Thank you for posting. X

[White_Rose]

Dear Irmgard

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. I admire your courage to go on living and continue to love significant people in your life. It's not easy to live with those who abuse you in some form or other. I also congratulate you for writing your story here and giving other readers insight into the difficulties in your life. It's never easy to feel you are not wanted by others.

There are two other phone numbers I want to give you. Beyond Blue has a 24/7 help line, 1300 22 4636. There is always someone to talk to when you feel upset or unsafe. Also the Suicide Callback Service, 1300 659 467. They have a web address you may like explore. www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au They can also offer you online counselling. Have a look round.

It is dreadful when you live in that dark place with little or no hope. Can you return to counselling? I understand cost is a big factor but there are organisations who offer free or very low cost counselling. Can you find your local Relationships Australia branch and make an appointment with them? Also try the Salvation Army. Their national help line number is 1300 36 36 22. They can direct you to a suitable branch near you.

What can you do for yourself? I have found it much easier to manage my depression by volunteering in various roles. I don't know how you feel about this. Not everyone's cup of tea. It's a good way to make friends. The op shops are always looking for volunteers as I understand it. Perhaps working behind the scenes sorting the goods etc may suit you. There are lots of opportunities around. Have a look around your neighbourhood and see what is available.

Have any of your past counsellors talked about ways to manage yourself, ideas to to cope with your very justifiable anger? Many people find it helps to write about their experiences, much as you did with your first post. The difference is you will be writing for yourself and no one will read it except you.

Write about whatever comes into your head. Do not censor yourself because no one going to see your writings. It can relieve stress to be able to get it 'out there' even if it's just your personal journal. The writing makes it easier to look at what happens for you. Almost as though there is another person talking and it can add a bit of clarity to your thoughts. I also find it helps to stop going over your thoughts and feelings again and again.

Please continue to write in here if it helps. Your posts are always welcome.

Mary

[J_M_12345]

Yep great advice from Donte' and White Rose. Please make use of those numbers and I think returning to counselling is a great idea if you're happy with it.

Again, hang in there and don't hesitate to post for more advice to chat here in the forums.

Josette

[Vero]

hi, new to this site. Your post resonated with my thoughts.

Although it is an old post and I hope your temporary crisis situation has resolved itself. How are you?

[Donte]

Hello Vero,

Warm welcome onboard the Multicultural experiences forum.

Enjoy sharing and connecting. X

[Vero]

Hi Donte, thank you for the introductory welcome.

[Donte]

Welcome. 🙂

How are you feeling today?